The west rim is supposed to be nice, and it’s a lot closer to Vegas than the south rim, where most people go. I’m particularly looking forward to checking out that new skywalk that projects more than 4000 feet over the canyon. It’s odd that I have no problem with heights since I’m afraid of a million other things, including fake fingernails, pictures of Jesus, and Clay Aiken. But most of all I’m afraid of birds.
I know they’re supposed to be spiritual creatures and all, but I cannot freakin’ stand birds. When I see them on the sidewalk in front of me, I jiggle my keys and clear my throat, and if they don’t fly away, I’ll cross the street. Sometimes they become domesticated, like the ones in front of Panera Bread in the District at Green Valley Ranch. There’s no scaring them; they’re so used to being around people. I have actually asked strangers to escort me into the place and protect me from those filthy things.
Years ago when I posted a Match.com profile, I said that overall I’m low maintenance, but my date must be willing to shoo away birds. I wasn’t kidding. And I still wouldn’t dream of having even a casual date a bird lover. It would never work out.
My dear friends Tim and Susan, who live back in Albany, have two birds. (They used to have a bird named “Linda.” So not funny.) I am able to go to their house, though, because I trust them to lock and hermetically seal the cage when I come to visit. They know as much as I do that if one of those f*ckers ever got out, I would spend eternity in a padded room rocking in the fetal position.
Don’t ask me why I’m so afraid of birds—I can’t recall any traumatic event in my childhood and yes, I have seen the movie The Birds. Like a million times. Hello, it totally validates my point that they're pure evil. And what caused that plane to go down in the Hudson River on Thursday? Just sayin'.
I bet you didn't know there’s an “Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds” Barbie. Can you believe it? My friend Ann sent me this link. I kid you not, here’s the product description:
"This Barbie is for The Birds! Celebrating Alfred Hitchcock's classic film, this incredible collector's doll features our heroine being attacked by a trio of fine feathered foes, just like in the movie. Will these plastic birds damage her delightful handbag or her carefully styled hair? We certainly hope not! Be sure to let Barbie into your home and pray that the birds don't come in with her! Stands about 11 1/2-inches tall."
Isn't that too funny?
Amazon says the same people who bought it also bought Elvis and Priscilla dolls.
As a joke, one of my precious girlfriends from work, Kirstin, played with the image and put my face on Tippi Hedren's body. The sickest part is, I didn’t even notice the birds pecking at me.
No, all I could think was, “Gee, I wish I were that thin.”