Thursday, October 15, 2009

My dog, Stiff

Author’s note: To get the full effect of this post, every time you see the word “dog,” please read it as I would say it: “dawg.” Remember, I grew up in Awl-benny, New York.
I can’t believe I never told you about my dog, Stiff. I got Stiff from Beautiful Aunt Joyce two years ago for my fiftieth birthday and it was the best present ever.

Screeching halt, you must be thinking. I know—how many times have I told you I don’t like animals? (Don’t hate me. I just don’t connect with the animal world; I’m still a lovely person.)

Anyway, Stiff is awesome and he’s the perfect pet for me because he’s not real. I mean, it’s not like he’s imaginary or anything, he’s just… fake. Like, stuffed. Why do you think he’s called “Stiff?”


Cute, huh?

And because Stiff was a gift from BAJ, he’s super special. Like if I came home from work and my apartment was on fire, I would totally run in to save him. Or, more likely, I’d yell for the firemen to save him. They’d probably be pissed to have risked their lives for a dog that’s not actually living and breathing, but I wouldn’t tell them until after the fact.

I love Stiff! He’s no maintenance whatsoever and I never have to feed him or take him out for a walk or to the vet for shots. However, one night I was out kind of late and this is what I came home to.


I was like, “Stiff! How could you?” but I stayed cool and didn’t rub his nose in it or anything. I mean, everybody shits on the floor sometimes, right?

14 comments:

The Peach Tart said...

I know I do but it was on the bathroom floor at Costco but that's another whole story.

ModernMom said...

Ha haha

Julie said...

All us single girls need a Stiff one.

Tara said...

LMAO, nice. And there we go talking about shitting on the floor again Linda! Jeez....

Mandy's Life After 30 said...

Looks like Stiff was giving you shit for staying out too late on your 50th. :-)

Gail said...

Thanks for the smile! I should trade my foster dog for one like Stiff.

Lisa Gioia-Acres said...

No, no, no, it's so wrong! You need a real live, smelly but loving pup that will keep you warm and cuddly at night. Gimmie a call, I think I have just the one for you, or maybe a cat, or how about the pig?

Other Mikey's Julie said...

Maybe it is the rum and 7-up, but tears almost flowed I was laughing so hard!
Not so funny - I took our cat to Pet Haven last month for similar offenses. Inappropriate defecation is not ok. Especially on the brand new couch that I earned after 13 years with the other one! (Before all the animal lovers get upset - this was an ongoing issue that I took several other steps to fix before giving her up.)
Thanks for making me laugh Linda!

mr.routinier said...

hahaha...i know someone who feels the same way about animals.

Carol said...

Gosh I just love stiff!!!

Very cute.

Carol
Perth WA

The Vegas Flea said...

The fake dog crap made me laugh!

Deborah said...

AHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!! You slay me, Linda! I swear we're related, I know it!
Much Love,
Deborah

Deborah said...

AHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!! You slay me, Linda! I swear we're related, I know it!
Much Love,
Deborah

408Down said...

Bad Stiff!!! LMAO!!