Joe’s a crack-up, but there’s some truth behind that concept because I actually get better looking after a couple of beers. Not in the “The more you drink, the better I look” way--quite the opposite. The more I drink, the better I look.
I am the most un-photogenic person on earth. I have shitty fucking hair, my jaw line is starting to sag, one eye is bigger than the other, and I have a massive overbite, which my dentist’s new hygienist so kindly pointed out.
Hygienist: “Your overbite is really bad. Have you ever noticed that your top teeth completely cover your bottom teeth?”I swear, when I see pictures of myself, I can’t believe I actually have a boyfriend. I’m amazed that I’ve ever had a date! How can I possibly be such a man magnet? (I’m just being an a-hole now, but it’s kind of true.) And because I know I’m not naturally photogenic, every time I have my picture taken, I get all tensed up because I know I’m going to look God-awful and because I’m all tensed up, I have this weird looking face. “Monster face,” my sister Lori calls it.
Me: “Oh, really? I never noticed that, you stupid fucking moron. I only look in the mirror a hundred… no, make that two hundred times a day. Thanks for clueing me in.”
BUT, when I’m having a couple of beers, I’m all mellowed out and my face is completely relaxed. My picture in the right-hand column of this blog, under the “Hi, I’m Linda” heading? That was taken by Julie at 47 and Starting Over when she and Travel Girl were here in Vegas. Yep, we were having a few beers at the Ovation Lounge in Green Valley Ranch. One of my favorite pictures is this one of me in my tiara. That was taken on my 50th birthday, and yep, I had a few beers in me.
I look okay in this picture of me and Mike and Courtney at Courtney and John’s wedding party. Yep… you know it. Beer.
My point is, for every picture I post of myself, there’s 100 other ones that I look ghastly in, but of course, I’m so friggin’ vain I’ve deleted them. And for almost every picture I’ve ever posted, I can guarantee my smile is beer-fueled.
Okay, maybe not this one.
Anyway, it's too bad that I’m just now coming to this realization. Last night I had a photo shoot for my show. Unfortunately, I had only one beer beforehand. Thank God for Photoshop.