Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Why I look better after a few beers

The other day my 25-year-old BFF and work buddy Joe turned to me in his cubicle and said, “Do you ever drink in front of the mirror and watch yourself get cuter?”

Joe’s a crack-up, but there’s some truth behind that concept because I actually get better looking after a couple of beers. Not in the “The more you drink, the better I look” way--quite the opposite. The more I drink, the better I look.

I am the most un-photogenic person on earth. I have shitty fucking hair, my jaw line is starting to sag, one eye is bigger than the other, and I have a massive overbite, which my dentist’s new hygienist so kindly pointed out.
Hygienist: “Your overbite is really bad. Have you ever noticed that your top teeth completely cover your bottom teeth?”

Me: “Oh, really? I never noticed that, you stupid fucking moron. I only look in the mirror a hundred… no, make that two hundred times a day. Thanks for clueing me in.”
I swear, when I see pictures of myself, I can’t believe I actually have a boyfriend. I’m amazed that I’ve ever had a date! How can I possibly be such a man magnet? (I’m just being an a-hole now, but it’s kind of true.) And because I know I’m not naturally photogenic, every time I have my picture taken, I get all tensed up because I know I’m going to look God-awful and because I’m all tensed up, I have this weird looking face. “Monster face,” my sister Lori calls it.

BUT, when I’m having a couple of beers, I’m all mellowed out and my face is completely relaxed. My picture in the right-hand column of this blog, under the “Hi, I’m Linda” heading? That was taken by Julie at 47 and Starting Over when she and Travel Girl were here in Vegas. Yep, we were having a few beers at the Ovation Lounge in Green Valley Ranch. One of my favorite pictures is this one of me in my tiara. That was taken on my 50th birthday, and yep, I had a few beers in me.

I look okay in this picture of me and Mike and Courtney at Courtney and John’s wedding party. Yep… you know it. Beer.


My point is, for every picture I post of myself, there’s 100 other ones that I look ghastly in, but of course, I’m so friggin’ vain I’ve deleted them. And for almost every picture I’ve ever posted, I can guarantee my smile is beer-fueled.

Okay, maybe not this one.


Anyway, it's too bad that I’m just now coming to this realization. Last night I had a photo shoot for my show. Unfortunately, I had only one beer beforehand. Thank God for Photoshop.

15 comments:

R. Jacob said...

so cute and I bet you broke a lot of little boy hearts!

JeannetteLS said...

Good GOD, woman. You're a man magnet because you are one fine looking woman and you are smart and funny as hell. Everything IS sagging on me and I have not kept a picture of myself since I was 48. Nine and a half years. Beer makes me look drunk. Damn. Beer makes men look at other women. Damn. Well, in light of my history, maybe that's good. If people would photoshop the double chin and the chicken skin, I might keep a shot of me. Friends tell me I am "Lovely." Feh. But even when I thought I was pretty damned cute, there were about six out of sixty pictures I like. Hence the shot I allow on the Internet. DIM LIGHT seems to do a lot for me, and in dim light I AM recognizable from that picture. If anything's sagging, it sure doesn't show. SO. THERE. I guess I told YOU! What we women do to ourselves about our looks.

Vegas Linda Lou said...

@ R. Jacob: Ha--I look like such a brat!

@ Jeannette: No kidding. We're a bunch of nuts, aren't we?

Josie said...

We women are so critical of ourselves, but not you Linda Lou! You're to cool and evolved for that crap. Plus you are gorgeous! Photo shoot? How cool. Please post the good shots!

Julie said...

OK sister, I have the same exact overbite. You are scaring me with this "see how much alike we are" stuff.

Except that you are much prettier than I am. Bitch.

I'm the opposite, I look worse when photographed after alcohol consumption. Usually my eyes are half open (and not in a sultry Jessica Rabbit way either) and I smile a really big stupid looking smile that clearly shows the aforementioned overbite.

So obviously what this means for us is that I take pictures of YOU when we're partying, and you take pictures of me when we're not.

Deal?

Hurricane Mikey-- said...

I've seen you stone-cold sober once or twice over the past couple of years and you looked fine to me. Still look ok drunk, too!

And I told you, when you get your picture taken, don't look straight at the camera like you're at the DMV renewing your license, go with the three-quarter look, head angled slightly off to one side. I think you'll like the results.

K a b l o o e y said...

Loooove the kiddy picture. You're all "Don't let this angelic dress fool you" and I believe it. You were cute then and you're cute now, photoshop be damned. Serious cheekbones in the tiara shot too. Did you bite the hygienist, by the way?

Follow-up question: why the hell does hygiene have an "i" anyway? But thanks to my auto-spellcheck...

Mike Dennis said...

Linda, if beer can make you look better, just imagine what a few shots of Irish whiskey will do!

Donna B said...

Linda, please stop by my blog for a sweet surprise...

Donna B said...

Can't wait to see you Friday...your little kid picture is adorable! You are still gorgeous! (At least the kid pic looks like your blog pic) :}

The Housewife said...

Hygienist: “Your overbite is really bad. Have you ever noticed that your top teeth completely cover your bottom teeth?”

Me: “Oh, really? I never noticed that, you stupid fucking moron. I only look in the mirror a hundred… no, make that two hundred times a day. Thanks for clueing me in.”

Oh dear lord that was really funny. Remind me not to drink and read your blog at the same time. Linda Lou + iced tea = iced tea out the nose.

Rochelle said...

I bet we would find the pictures you hate to be just lovely - even the sober ones! :)

I Hate to Weight said...

what an interesting to market beer. i think it could be amazing! you do look adorable in all the photos i've seen.

i really photography poorly after a few drinks. do you think it's because i drink wine?

SortOfAnonymous said...

BeerLotion(tm): The next big thing in the beauty industry? Do I a see a Dilbert piece in the making? He could outdo my all time favorite... the one where Dilbert goes to a cheap psychiatrist who tells him: "Your problem is that you are ugly. You should drink beer until you think you are beautiful". Then Dilbert, very angry, shoots back: "Aren't you going to talk about my mother?". The shrink replies: "Good point.. she should drink beer too.. she's probably as ugly as you".

(by the way, I did send you an email like you asked... and unless it accidentally got sent to the spam folder, my guess is that I should stick to writing you here for the foreseeable future)

I Hate to Weight said...

can you tell i was really jet-lagged when i wrote my comment? I'M not even sure what i was trying to say.

i swear -- it was jet-lag, NOT wine that had me slurring those sentences. i swear.