Saturday, August 11, 2012

"I'll get my vitamin C through Buffalo Bill's Orange Blossom Cream Ale, thank you."

Yesterday one of my Facebook friends posted this photo:


My comment?



Unfortunately for the most part, I friggin' hate fruits and vegetables.  Okay, I like corn and broccoli, and I like zucchini, but only the way my mother or I make it.  As far as bare fruits go, I'll eat watermelon and and blueberries.  The other morning I cut up some cantaloupe and strawberries for Mike's kids and then showed them how much better they taste with chocolate syrup over them.  Stepmother of the Year.

Forget bananas--my mother says I used to spit them out when I was a baby.  (Ironically, I'm addicted to Starbucks' banana walnut bread.)  Celery?  You couldn't pay me a thousand dollars to eat a raw celery stalk.

When my kids were little, when offered a food they didn't care for, they would shake their heads and say, "I can't like that." I feel the same way when  I look at that "I'm Eating Healthy" picture--I just can't like it. 

The other day in yoga, the instructor was going on and on about some friggin' farmers' market and I'm thinking, "Bleeeech!"  I felt like such an oddball because everyone was like, "Oooooh, I'll have to check that out..." and I'm thinking, "I'll get my vitamin C through Buffalo Bill's Orange Blossom Cream Ale, thank you."

Quite honestly, and I've written about this before, I find yoga people kind of annoying.  But a couple of weeks ago I started taking a Yoga for Stress Relief class and I told the instructor right off the bat that I need this class because I'm about to kill somebody (remember those posts?) and now--I swear to God--I think I'm her favorite student because every time I see her she's super nice, and I don't mean super nice in that fake holistic yoga way.  I mean she smiles at me like we have a secret handshake.  Cool.

And then last week I overheard a woman tell the girl at the desk, "I need this.  I'm a mess."  I looked at her and said, "Sister, you are my new best friend."  Then after class we went out for coffee and bagels--yeah, fattening bagels and cream cheese--and we had a great time bitching and swearing.  It's so nice when you meet somebody who hates the same things you hate, no? 

So not everybody who does yoga is annoying, and I'm not making judgments about people who like fruit and vegetables.  I'm just saying they're not for me. I'm still a lovely person.

Oh, before I finish, I want to share this fond vegetable memory.  When we were kids, my father would eat about four ears of corn and he'd always end up with kernels and greasy butter all over his face.  Well, we thought it was hysterical and we'd giggle and point at him and he'd yell to my mother, "Jesus Christ, I'm trying to eat my goddamn corn and they're laughing at me!"  Which would make us laugh even harder.  Fond, fond memories.

One last thing.  You know I'm the most politically incorrect person on earth, but don't you think it was a little cruel when they used to refer to people as "vegetables"?  I mean, wow.

Honestly, I don't know how you can possibly comment on this one.

8 comments:

R. Jacob said...

aww, you are still lovely!

Memphis MOJO said...

I saw a comment the other day that you might like. Somebody wrote that they'd become a vegetarian when bacon grew on trees.

Anonymous said...

Chocolate makes most things taste better.
Cassie

Vegas Linda Lou said...

@ Ray: Oh, you're too much!

@ Memphis MOJO: I like that. And I love bacon!

@ Cassie: Duh.

Barbara said...

Don't hate me - I like veggies and some fruits (melon grosses me out). But I love to swear and bitch about things so I hope we can still be friends. ;)

Vegas Linda Lou said...

Oh, Barbara, I still love you and I won't even try to change you. Just keep swearin' and bitchin'.

grrouchie serge said...

I still make "vegetable" jokes to this day - though they don't go over as well since most young'uns don't know what a "vegetable" is.

Kansas Bob said...

A brown ale is often good for what ails me. :)