As you know, I hate compromising. Compromising sucks all around; whenever I'm in a position where I have to compromise, I can guarantee you I'm secretly stewing (maybe not so secretly) because I'm not getting 100% of my way.
Also I hate keeping an open mind. Whenever somebody encourages me to keep an open mind, I'm like, "I can tell you right now I'm gonna hate this. You can drop the issue, or you can insist that I play along and 'keep an open mind,' and then I'm gonna hate you as well. It's your choice."
I'm well aware that the window of opportunity of what I like is open but a crack; I'm a picky old bat. And the beautiful thing is, I'm good with it!
Anyway, several months ago, the Sapphire Gentlemen's Club started doing regular comedy shows. Every once in a while, one of the show's producers would call me to do a set there and I was like... no. Strip clubs are not my scene, which is ironic because I swear to God I think I'd make an incredible stripper if only I could lose about 20 pounds. Yes, I am totally in touch with my inner stripper.
Anyway, a few weeks ago I got another call and the producer assured me the showroom is beautiful with state-of-the-art blah-blah and it's really a classy place... and I'd be able to do my dirty material, which I kind of enjoy doing more than my clean stuff. Plus I really like the guy, so I said yes to a Friday and Saturday night gig.
OMG, I had so much fun! The showroom really is beautiful, and it's right near the front entrance, so I didn't have to walk through the club to get to it. The first thing I had to do Friday night was fill out a W-9 tax form, which cracked me up. It took me 56 years, and finally I'm filling out tax forms at a strip club!
The show was a mixture of comedy, magic, and burlesque. I can only imagine how psyched the audience was to see me come out after this hottie.
This is funny. After my set, I'm sitting in the audience watching the magician I'd been talking to in the green room, and then... look what he pulls out in the middle of his act:
I nearly shit. First I was going bonkers because birds indoors freak me out, and then I was like, WHERE THE HELL WAS THAT GODDAMN THING WHEN I WAS BACKSTAGE WITH YOU??? And then the guy pulled out a couple more birds and a cat and I just about needed smelling salts.
Needless to say, my mission Saturday night was to find out exactly where the birds were and the only time I spent backstage was right before my set, when I was talking to a really nice stripper who had started to read my book and she really liked it so I had to give her a hug.
Here's a group shot of me and my new friends:
So as you can see, this is the one time where keeping an open mind actually paid off. But don't think I'm going to make a habit of it; I'm not about to start eating celery or tofu, and you won't see me at that Gravity movie everyone's raving about.
But you might see me perform at a strip club again. Fingers crossed!