Thursday, August 5, 2010

Why I'm a better woman than Mary Todd Lincoln

Like the rest of the world, I love the Geico commercial where Mary Todd Lincoln asks Abe if she looks fat.



Talk about perfect comic timing!

Reminds me of this dress I bought at one of the four Ross Dress-for-Less stores I hit while I was in Vegas last month. Like everything I try on/buy/have in my closet, it would fit soooo much better if I were 10 pounds lighter. Specifically, 10 pounds lighter around the middle.

Just about nothing looks good in the dressing room mirror, don’t you agree? But you know how sometimes you buy something even though it’s on the cusp because you’re hoping that when you get home and try it on with different shoes or a different bra it’ll actually look okay? That was this dress.

And so I brought it home (meaning Mike’s house), coordinated it with the best shoe/bra combo I could come up with, and modeled it for him.
Me: “What do you think? Am I too fat for this?”
Mike: “Yup.”
Huh?
Me: “Yeah, totally… that’s what I thought. It’s too tight around the middle, right?”
Mike: “Right.”
Shit.
Mike: “All you’d have to do is lose a couple pounds and it would be fine.”
Okaaaaaay, thank you so much, darling, you can stop right there.

Mike: “Just do some sit-ups. That’s all it would take.”
OMG, are you really in the top 1 percent of the 1 percent of people in Mensa?

Mike: “That wouldn’t be too hard. Right?”
No, that wouldn’t be hard at all. In fact, maybe I’ll give up beer and ice cream and have a goddamn stalk of celery for lunch instead of a slice of pizza because God knows it would be just as satisfying.
Mike (sensing he may never engage in intimate adult relations again) (with me anyway): “You want me to be honest, right?”
Um.

Me: “Yes, I do. Thank you, honey.”
And there lies the difference between me and Mary Todd Lincoln:

I didn’t go out and hire an assassin.

9 comments:

R. Jacob said...

Mike forgot the code. Never mention weight. Never choose one outfit over another if asked. Remember to grunt answers, nothing to intelligible. and of course deny, deny, deny!

Mimi said...

Oh Linda, they're clueless, aren't they?

My friend begins lots of these conversations with her hubby by saying "this is a yes conversation" - or a "no" one, in this case!
Thanks for a good laugh!

Anonymous said...

Your "displeasure" stems from the fact that he failed to live up to the expectations of your fantasy land in which your dress fits perfectly.

Women just can't handle reality in a straight-forward manner.

Even when they ask a direct question & pretend they want an honest answer.

This is why you broads will never get taken seriously in the workplace or be paid comparable wage.

Vegas Linda Lou said...

Oh, Anonymous, you do make the world go 'round!

Why do I read your comments in the voice of Comic Book Guy on The Simpsons?

Anonymous said...

I don't know why you are so pissed at Mike. He didn't do anything wrong.
He didn't attack you personally. This was a person who cares about you and gave you sound advice on how to approach your "issue". And you actually ASKED HIM in the first place. Ya gotz problems if you can't accept honesty from close friends and family who mean you no harm. Women are crazy and irrational!

Anonymous said...

Oh, I don't know Linda, why does your voice always sound so shrill to me?

Gotta thank me because now you will have some traffic and comments on your blog. Nobody has been commenting lately, if case you haven't noticed.

I Hate to Weight said...

because of all my eating disorder issues, my poor boyfriend is wildly over-trained. no matter what i weigh, he tells me i'm too thin, and i'd look better with even five extra pounds.

but the poor man is traumatized. clearly, you are a much easier significant if Mike is actually willing to venture an opinion! hope he knows what a lucky man he is.

Julie said...

OMG, since I know you and Mike in person, I totally "hear" that conversation in my head.

(And no, Anon, her voice isn't shrill. It's sexy. You have no idea what you're missing.)

I might not have hired an assassin but he probably would have gone flying off your balcony. ;)

Lori Biker said...

At least when Mike says something, you know it is him saying it. It doesn't leave anonymous notes around!