Talk about perfect comic timing!
Reminds me of this dress I bought at one of the four Ross Dress-for-Less stores I hit while I was in Vegas last month. Like everything I try on/buy/have in my closet, it would fit soooo much better if I were 10 pounds lighter. Specifically, 10 pounds lighter around the middle.
Just about nothing looks good in the dressing room mirror, don’t you agree? But you know how sometimes you buy something even though it’s on the cusp because you’re hoping that when you get home and try it on with different shoes or a different bra it’ll actually look okay? That was this dress.
And so I brought it home (meaning Mike’s house), coordinated it with the best shoe/bra combo I could come up with, and modeled it for him.
Me: “What do you think? Am I too fat for this?”Huh?
Me: “Yeah, totally… that’s what I thought. It’s too tight around the middle, right?”Shit.
Mike: “All you’d have to do is lose a couple pounds and it would be fine.”Okaaaaaay, thank you so much, darling, you can stop right there.
Mike: “Just do some sit-ups. That’s all it would take.”OMG, are you really in the top 1 percent of the 1 percent of people in Mensa?
Mike: “That wouldn’t be too hard. Right?”No, that wouldn’t be hard at all. In fact, maybe I’ll give up beer and ice cream and have a goddamn stalk of celery for lunch instead of a slice of pizza because God knows it would be just as satisfying.
Mike (sensing he may never engage in intimate adult relations again) (with me anyway): “You want me to be honest, right?”Um.
Me: “Yes, I do. Thank you, honey.”And there lies the difference between me and Mary Todd Lincoln:
I didn’t go out and hire an assassin.