Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Reader mail and more great advice from me

God knows I have an endless gush—think Old Faithful—of compelling information to share, but I’m always happy to weigh in on topics you’d like to address. An anonymous reader recently asked me to give my two cents on an experience she encountered in the dating world. To give you an age perspective, both she and the guy are in their late 40s. She found him extremely attractive and they enjoyed talking with each other, often about quite deep subjects. I’ll let her tell the rest.

When I kissed him after our first date I was instantly worried. He had that stick-your-tongue-in-the-other-person's-mouth-and-just-leave-it-there kissing style. I had a feeling that the sex would be bad, but tried to convince myself otherwise. Anyway, after some more dates I decided it was time. Well, guess what? I was sooo right! The sex was bad. I think “horrible” would be a better word. This is a man who has been married two times and has been in other relationships. So, I was wondering if you could blog about how a guy could be so clueless about what makes good sex.
Wow, how can a guy be so clueless about good sex?

A couple of thoughts immediately come to mind. The first is that what constitutes “good” sex is entirely subjective. An M.O. that causes one person to spasm with joy could totally turn off another. That’s where the term sexual compatibility comes in; you both have to be on the same page when it comes to what makes a delightful romp in the sack.

I’m totally with you in thinking the first kiss was a major warning signal. I have to wonder who on God’s green earth would think that jamming one’s tongue down someone’s throat could be considered remotely amorous. I think it’s a good rule of thumb that if the kissing sucks, you can pretty much give up hope for any satisfaction between the sheets.

That said, if you really like this guy, you may not want to jump ship. Tell him in a loving way what works for you and ask how you can meet his needs as well. Men are not mind readers and are generally appreciative when we take part in steering the course.

There’s nothing more discomforting than bad sex, that’s for sure. But there’s always the possibility that the second round may be entirely different. Personally, I’ve had not one, but two initial encounters that nearly made me weep. In both cases, the next time proved to be an entirely different story and ultimately they were very satisfying relationships. Another good rule is to always allow for first-time jitters.

Considering the quality of the first kiss though, I’m gonna give your guy slightly lower odds for next time. But again, open communication may result in an entirely different experience. Maybe his previous lovers were unskilled or indifferent and that’s all he knows. If other important aspects of a relationship are in place—the ability to converse if key!—then why not be a little patient and see how this unfolds?

Okay, readers. What do you say?


I Hate to Weight said...

i agree with you. if you like someone, it's good to give them a chance.

but kissing is so important to me.

sex, to me, is about chemistry. if i'm into a guy, i usually enjoy the sex, no matter what we do, because i'm turned on.

Julie D said...

Ooooh yeah. No sex is better than bad stuff! And the kiss should have been the first clue. If a guy can't kiss, he probably can't do the horizontal bop any better.

Thank God for my honey who is fabulous at both! :)

The Vegas Flea said...

The tongue down the throat on the first date?! I can't offer any real advice other than to say even as a guy, I think that's nasty. Yikes.

And after two marriages? Big red flag. You almost have to feel bad for his ex-wives as well.

Jay said...

Vegas Flea - I think maybe it's time to feel bad for the guy...he obviously doesn't have any idea as it's unlikely someone has told him. If they had, I'm fairly certain he would have corrected things.

As for advice for the submitter - I'd say if you're falling in love with the guy, he deserves the chance to become informed and make changes.

Vegas Linda Lou said...

Yeah, I feel a little sorry for the guy, too. It would ultimately be a kind act to clue him in, but so uncomfortable.

Vegas Linda Lou said...

Oops--I accidentally deleted this from Debbie;

IF the guy can't kiss, he can't F*@k. Sorry. Don't waste your time ... it'll just lead to more slobber/tongue down the throat grossness. You obviously don't have "chemistry". Sorry doll ...

That's my two cents.


Anonymous said...

Why talk yourself into seeing this guy when you are already physically repulsed?

Anonymous said...

Well, she the intro does say "she found him extremely attractive". And he's described as a good conversationalist, so I'll assume he's reasonably intelligent.

So the question is, is his "attractiveness", and skill at conversation, worth the trouble of showing him what to do?

The lady doesn't even really have to discuss this specific question with the gentleman beforehand, since she already knows what she needs to know. I suppose she should try and gauge whether he's closed-minded or insecure, since either of those things would make the job harder. But if they've spoken about "deep subjects", she probably already knows this too.

Liz said...

The next time the kissing starts, say "Can I show you how I like to be kissed? Everybody is (or likes something) different you know."

If he takes to that OK, show him and then do the same thing with sex. He may have had women that were just indifferent about sex so he just "goes through the necessary motions."

If he has a problem with you showing him how to kiss you, then I'd move on. He'll never take to hearing about what type of things you like in bed.

Good luck!