Saturday, May 16, 2009

Photos of Linda-Land (and how I stay so thin)

I’m so excited! Next week at this time, my blogging buddies Julie, of 47 and Starting Over fame, and Travel Girl Dar will be here in Las Vegas. Yay! They’re staying here with me in my apartment, which I’m totally psyched about because I love having company. Plus that gives me a good reason to super-clean without having to pretend that Princess Di and JFK, Jr. came back to life and are coming for dinner.

I haven’t met these girls before, but geez, you may ask, isn’t it risky to put up complete strangers? Hell, no! I’ve been reading their blogs for months and know I’m going to love them. If anything, they have more to worry about than I do.

You see, I’m not normal.

Don’t get me wrong, I am nice as hell—if you knew me in real life, you wouldn’t freakin’ LOVE me! I think my problem is that I’m not at all materialistic and therefore I don’t quite live like a fully grown-up adult.

Remember this picture of my living room?


Yeah, well, my kitchen isn’t any better. Let me give you a little more insight into Linda-Land. We’ll start with my refrigerator--visitors always have a field day with that.



Empty, I know, but in my defense, there’s usually a six-pack of Moose Drool or Young’s Chocolate Stout in there. I need to go grocery shopping. What’s that on the top shelf, you ask? Oh, that’s a can of spotted dick. My sister Lori gave me that for my 50th birthday. I would never eat it (aside from the fact that it’s a year and a half old); it’s just for show. Sometimes I bring it to work and leave it front and center in the fridge in the break room. For fun.

My freezer isn’t any better: cheese ravioli (my favorite food on earth), some shrimp stir-fry, and a bag of ice. I don’t know where that came from; I don’t use ice. Usually there’s ice cream in there, but I told you, I need to go shopping.



Here’s my food cupboard. Yes, that’s it. But in my defense, I usually have about four boxes of Organic Morning Light cereal on the top shelf—I told you, I need to go shopping. You’ll see, however, that I do have an ample supply of Healthy Request soup. And vitamins. I know--I’m a health nut, huh?

Sometimes when people come to my place, they get the big idea that they’re going to cook for me. They come home with bags of groceries and start flitting around my kitchen and then start asking ridiculous questions like, “Where do you keep your cheese grater?” or “Do you have a wisk?”

A wisk? Seriously?

And then they get all bent out of shape because I don’t have a sharp knife. I do have knives—look! They were a wedding present when my first husband and I got married in 1977. I’ve never actually sharpened them, though. But in my defense, hello? Does any of my food look like it actually needs to be cut?

Sometimes people ask if I have a cutting board, and you know what? I used to, but I swear it mysteriously disappeared about a year ago after some visitors came to stay. I like to think that maybe a well-meaning guest put it somewhere when emptying my dishwasher and I just haven’t been able to find it, but I really have looked for it and I can only conclude that after I become a famous author it will end up on eBay and someone will be sitting on a tidy little profit.

Okay, so whatever--I’m not normal. My boyfriend says he feels like he’s with a college student (which I take as a compliment). “Is that a futon?” he asked one night as we stood in my guestroom. “You’re so cute!” But in my defense, I’m just not materialistic. (BTW, my car is totally going to hit 200K today!!!)

I don’t care about things; I’d rather do stuff than have stuff. I mean, look at the outside of my refrigerator.


What a cool magnet collection of my travels, huh? See, sometimes it’s not what’s on the inside that counts.

Believe me, when I’m 102 years old, I am not going to look back and go, “Oh, man, my life would have been perfect if only I had a nicer couch that didn’t have a stain on it” or "Maybe I should have splurged for a soup ladle." No, I am gonna remember all the fun times and adventures I had with my family and my friends, like Julie and Dar.

If they’re still coming.

17 comments:

Julie said...

Oh, sweetie, a can of Spotted Dick can't keep ME away. You'll have to do better than that!

Fortunately, I'm on Weight Watchers so the whole empty fridge thing looks familiar.

Besides, I plan to be on a liquid diet when I'm there. You know, margaritas, beer, wine....anything with an alcohol content.

I promise you're safe wtih me. Since we've never been married to each other, you have nothing to worry about!

This will be the SLOWEST WEEK EVER. But then...hello Friday!

Julie said...

PS. This does explain your size 4 ass. Bitch.

Catie Fitzgerald said...

Linda Lou, I thank Universe for bringing you into my life. We met online (you placed an order on my Mary Kay website). Ever since then, I have had the pleasure of reading your blog and Facebook entries. You are a breath of fresh air. I love that you are weird - seriously, this is the emptiest fridge and freezer I've ever seen. Keep it going! I'm a huge fan.

Vegas Linda Lou said...

@ Julie: A 4??? I wish! God bless you, but I'm a solid size 8.

@ Catie: Thanks for reading my blog! We actually met in the post office, though. I think I was whining about the self-service machine and you helped me figure it out. I'm glad you like my stuff--God knows I've also made a few enemies!

Mandy said...

OMG! I had a jar of spotted dick (from the U.K. store @ Rainbow & Sahara) and I gave it to my ex-husband as a gag gift. It sits proudly in his pantry, where I am sure it annoys his new wife on a daily basis.

I have been enjoying your blog for a month or two and look what it takes for me to comment! lol

Mandy

Vegas Linda Lou said...

Mandy, that is TOO FUNNY! "Brought together by spotted dick..."

Thanks for reading my blog!

classicrockforthesoul said...

Wow, compared to my fridge and pantry, you live pretty bare bones ;)

I love your magnet collection - I do the same thing, but I collect keychains from cool places I've been across the country!
Thanks for all the nice comments you leave me on my blog, I appreciate it.

Lisa Gioia-Acres said...

Okay, admit it, you cleaned out that fridge and freezer BEFORE you took those pictures. Now for sure you are never coming to my house, I couldn't bear the look of sheer terror on your face.

I'm coming over there soon, though, for a spot of dick!

Linda and her Twaddle said...

I made spotted dick one (in the kithen thank you). It was eaten. I also made toad in the hole. It was tossed out.

If I could meet up with blogging buddies I would. However, the fact they all live soooooo far away makes that impossible. Maybe when I get the money I will buy a plane ticket and just blog hop.

Your place of abode is how it should be. I have so much shit in my house I could cry.

Caprice said...

Love your blog...and the fridge is great! I saw some Kaluha in there, i think. My kids collect magnets too, they have a board of all the places we've been.

Danica said...

I'd watch out for Julie. She's a fisty one. enjoy the girls!

CarmenSinCity said...

Your fridge looks just like mine. Mine is empty too.

How cool that they are staying with you! Are u taking them to beer and blogger this week??

My Moon said...

You girls are going to have SO MUCH FUN!!! I'm jealous. Can't wait to see the pictures and hear all about it!

AmyK said...

I have actually eaten Spotted Dick! My daughter did a "study aboard" in Scotland and had it there so we've eaten it here. It's good. I've also had Moose Drool so your frig is perfect. I usually compare the price of anything I buy to a plane ticket or a cruise so, I'm with you on making memories. those always win.

Vegas Linda Lou said...

@ Lisa: Nope, that's my real fridge. Sad, huh? No beer...

@ Linda: Spotted dick in the kitchen... admit it, you're kinky.

@ Carmen: The girls don't get here until Friday, so no B&B.

@ Caprice: Yeah, you did see some Kaluha. I dump that in my coffee before work. (Kidding--only when I'm out of Bailey's.)

@ Danica: No shit. Julie scares me.

@ My Moon: I plan on taking lots of very incriminating photos of the girls and then accept bribes so I won't post them.

@ Amy: You've eaten spotted dick? Personally, I'd be afraid of catching something. But Moose Drool... yummy!

travel girl said...

Hey!
I left a comment yesterday and it ain't here dammit!

I said it would take a lot more than an empty refrigerator to keep from you and Jules!!

Lilly said...

I think you have got the right idea - material possessions are just more stuff you have to worry about. I think its great! Shows you have a real sense of who you are, you dont need external stuff to define you. sound like Dr Phil, shit I better stop reading self help books. I am not into stuff either. Well other than jewellery (cheap) and music. And Spotted Dick, you mean you havent tried any? Jeez, I used to live in Britain and they have some strange food there with hilarious names.

And yes it does explain why you have such a great figure.