Mark my words: Bastard Husband will never be a Cirque de Solei production

You know how sometimes you know you’re not going to like something and then you talk yourself into having an open mind and so you give it a try? Well, I’ve been living in Las Vegas for six and a half years and had yet to see any of the Cirque de Soleil shows because, for one, I think they’re too expensive and I’d rather spend my money on other stuff and two, I couldn’t imagine that I’d like that type of production.

A couple of weeks ago my dear friend Lisa Gioia-Acres called to tell me she got her hands on some tickets to see LOVE at the Mirage for only twenty-five bucks and wanted to know if I’d be interested in going with her. “Of course,” I told her. If there was one Cirque show I kind of wouldn’t mind seeing it was that one, plus I’d never pass up the chance to hang out with Lisa. And so last night was time to pop my Cirque cherry.

Well… in the cinematic classic What About Bob? (possibly the best movie ever made), the hero proclaims there are two types of people in life: those who like Neil Diamond and those who don’t. The same applies to Cirque de Soleil.

I think Neil Diamond wrote some pretty good songs, but as far as LOVE goes, the flamboyant movie reviewer in the old Living Colour TV show said it best: “Hated it!” The Beatles music was great and the sound was amazing, but enough of the jumping and prancing around! After about five minutes of that, I was like, yeah, I get it—now go sit down. I swear, I had my eyes closed three-quarters of the time because I couldn’t stand all the commotion. Honestly, I felt completely over-stimulated.

Lisa and I could not be more different—she’s an all-natural earth mother who finds nothing more relaxing than cuddling up with a couple of feral cats and, well, you know me. I’ve told you before I’m not an animal person and the only things I buy at Whole Foods are hair dye and beer. So of course, she thought the show was fantastic.

“Don’t you wonder how they do everything?” she gushed.

I responded with, “That’s what they do—they have a way of figuring that stuff out.” What a Cirque Scrooge, huh?

So I’m filing Cirque de Soleil under “What the rest of the world seems to love, but I can’t stand.” Yep, right there along with Julia Roberts, guacamole, and the Lord of the Rings crap.

And now they have an Elvis Cirque. Because you know you can't think of Elvis and not think of aerial acrobatics. God help us.

How about you? What makes you feel completely out of sync with the rest of the world?

It's not easy being me, but it sure doesn't suck, either

I'm always looking for ways to get Mike's kids away from the video games, so last night I got us tickets to see Recycled Percussion at the Tropicana.   I mean well; I really do.  And I should have known better.  But it wasn't until we walked in and they handed everyone a drumstick and a metal pot to bang on that it hit me:  This is not going to be a show for a Highly Sensitive Person like me.

I don't even care if I sound like an old bat--I cannot stand a lot of noise.  Or commotion.  That's why I'll never go to another Cirque de Soleil show (see post Mark My Words: Bastard Husband Will Never Be a Cirque de Soleil Production); I can't take all that jumping around.  I just want to tell everyone to sit still, will ya?  I'm a nightmare to see a movie with (see "Pet Peeve #437: LOUD Talkers at the Movies") and even the sound of someone chewing popcorn--or merely breathing too loudly--can make me mental. 

Anything can set me off--the sound of an air conditioner, people who talk too much, somebody sniffing, any kind of music I don't like, the sound of the crowd at a football game on TV, the sound I can hear even when the person is wearing ear buds, video games... I could go on and on.  The bottom line is, I'm in a perpetual state of annoyance.  It's safe to say that at any given moment, I'm secretly plotting the death of someone who's driving me nuts. 

Anyway, the Recycled Percussion show was loud as hell and at one point I thought I might cry from all the noise, but the kids loved it and that's all that mattered.  Afterward, we stopped at Ben & Jerry's in the District at Green Valley Ranch so I could get my Coffee, Coffee, Buzz Buzz Buzz fix (I swear, I should be in a 12-step program for that deliciousness) and then when we got home, I sequestered myself in the master suite...

My heaven

 ... which conveniently has a balcony with a small fridge stocked with Young's Chocolate Stout. 

Thank you, Thomas Edison, for inventing electricity

Whatever it takes, people.

Anyway, I've been on the Strip twice in two days.  Tuesday night, I met my dear friend Kri Monster for happy hour at Harrah's to see "Big Elvis."  I've been meaning to catch this guy (Pete Vallee) for years now.  Whatever you do, be sure to click on this article, "Big Elvis:  The Greatest Weight Loss Story Ever Told" for a fascinating look at how he lost 500 POUNDS.  So you can see why I was curious, right?

Well, if you live here or are ever visiting, be sure to catch Big Elvis.  I'm not a crazy Elvis fan (even though I've been to both Graceland and his birthplace), but man, Big Elvis has an incredible voice and it's a kick to take in the audience.  Plus, it's a free show.

iPhone cameras suck indoors

So there you go.  Does anyone have any questions?