Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Why football is gay

Anyone who knows me also knows I am a BIG proponent of gay rights. I have a beloved and quirky lesbian aunt and half my girlfriends have real-life girlfriends. Don’t forget my long-standing celebrity girl-crush on Beverly d’Angelo—how many times have I said I’d make the perfect (lipstick) lesbian?

I’m the first to admit I’m one of those super-annoying girly girls. I wouldn’t be caught dead without nail polish, and my toes are always painted a pretty shade of pink, even if no one sees them all winter. I put on lipstick to just to get the mail. I mean, look at my picture—I’m wearing a freakin’ tiara!

So never in a million years would I think I’d talk about football on my blog. In my opinion, there are only two sports: figure skating and gymnastics. And unlike the rest of the world, I sure as hell didn’t celebrate Super Bowl Sunday because football is so not me. It’s loud and, frankly, I just don’t get it. At least in basketball, when you make a basket, you get points. Baseball—you round home plate, you get a run. But football, with all those first downs and everything… I’ve had it explained to me, but it just never sinks in.

To me, the most puzzling mystery surrounding football is why so many super-manly macho men are into it in such a big way, especially since, well, obviously… Football is gay.

Oh, pull-eeeze… You have a bunch of guys making passes at each other in skin-tight pants, for Christsake! And what could be more gay than huddling?

Oh, I know: tackling. (You realize they’re tickling each other while they’re down there, don’t you?) Even after the player’s already on the ground, there’s always the guy who still has to jump on top of everyone, just for the sheer pleasure of diving into a pile of testosterone. (Not that I blame him—I probably would, too.)

Don’t get me going on all the hugging and ass patting that goes on in the end zone.

Of course, after the game they all take naked showers together and, to soothe those aching muscles, rub each other down with what else but Ben-GAY.

Even the names of the teams: the Rams… the Packers (ouch).

No doubt the Oilers left town and changed their name to the Titans for fear of being outed. Even the Cowboys and the Chiefs… tell me that doesn’t sound a little "Village People" to you.

It’s okay, guys. Women love gay men! Yeah, yeah, I know… most of you don’t play yourselves, you just like to watch.

Eeew… that’s just sick.


Unknown said...

Linda, Linda, Linda...........figure skating and gymnastics?? Figure skating is what one watches when the paint drying is too exciting.

Oh, well. To each his or her own, I guess. :)

Jay said...

And have you ever noticed that in post-game interviews they are all so well dressed? And that they all have perfect hair? And their skin looks so smooth and they are so pretty?

Yeah, there's a lot of hair and skin care products being used in those locker rooms.

KriMonster said...

This is the best Linda Lou post ever! All of this coming from me, a girl that loves football. And I don't even like testosterone. How do you explain that one?

~S said...

Linda, this is certainly one of your funnier posts! Hey, and thanks for including that image of my beloved 49ers!

I think you know a bit more about football than you lead us to believe. It's not exactly common knowledge that the TN Titans were once the Houston Oilers! I'm on to you, lady!

And yes, camaraderie in football can seem a bit homo sometimes, but it's fun - even more fun at the live games because the spectators really let loose (not in -that- way)! It's such a great sport because fans really get into the spirit of it all!

Hurricane Mikey said...

I'm afraid Linda is right about this one. I'm so ashamed...


Anonymous said...

Submitted without comment: on WEEI Boston (the #1 sportstalk station in the U.S.) the day after the conference championship games, they spent about 30 minutes mostly talking about "Larry Fitzgerald's Fine Ass."

I never got tickled at the bottom of a football pile. One of my team mates (mates?) was once the victim of an in-pile titty-twister, however, and the opponent was Archbishop Curley.

Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue, and to issue that standup invite...

Chris A

Krissyface said...

Towel-snap! Let's shower off, boys! Love the photos too.

Ever notice it's generally the most machismo-ish dudes who love football and tend to enjoy playing it? Meethinks thou doth protest too much.

Great post!

ReeRee said...

What an awesome post Linda! I love how you tied in the names of the teams... the Packers! I thought of Kri watching the game with all the Packers jerseys. (something she mentioned on her blog) LOVE IT!

Bar L. said...

ok, i just laughed so hard I scared the cat. You are so cleaver I can barely stand it.

(this is the first year ever my toes have not been painted red during the winter)

linda said...

And they wear padded shoulders. That is so '80's.

Anonymous said...

And so many teams named after Birds. Birds playing with Birds can you picture that

Anonymous said...

I love it. I have always though football was a bit Gay myself. So glad you helped confirm that.
I laughed so hard as I read this, I think I peed myself just a little.
I will be sure to watch out for you at the BeerNBlog. I bet I can spot you with your tiara and all.

Laisa said...

Just read this for the first time and am laughing my a$$ off! Don't forget the "positions". "Tight end." Need I say more? And then, there are the "wide receivers" and "holders". ;-)