Tuesday, January 4, 2011

I'm not quite as together as I look

My last two posts would have you believe I know what I want and have every aspect of my life in order.  Yep, I'm one totally together chick.  Today's post is sure to blow that image to bits.

I'm been having a ball here in Albany, but man, I miss that boyfriend of mine.  I absolutely love being with him, plus one of the best things about living with someone again is that I no longer worry about dying alone. I don’t mean like 40 years from now; I mean like in the next week or two.

Let me explain. I'll start by making it clear that I'm not a hypochondriac. God knows I’m totally "all eyes on Linda," but trust me, I don't crave pity-based attention.  I once spent three nights in the hospital after major abdominal surgery and refused visitors the whole time. Seriously, I told my family that whoever visited me against my wishes would be cut right out of the will.  I simply don't need anyone seeing me without my lipstick and tiara.

No, I'm no hypochondriac, but I will admit to being an alarmist. A mild headache is not the remnants of a hangover, but an undiscovered brain tumor. A bad cold? Walking pneumonia. I once marched myself to Urgent Care and demanded that the physician on duty investigate the possibility that my stiff neck was a severe case of meningitis. He rolled his eyes and murmured something under his breath about hating the goddamn Internet.

I haven’t had one of those alarmist attacks in quite a while now. I remember the last time vividly--I had just finished super-cleaning my apartment, which involved moving heavy furniture, and I noticed I started to feel a little dizzy. A stroke, I concluded, and began a panicky mental scenario that went something like this:

What if I pass out and no one finds me for days? It's a good thing my apartment's clean. Should I refresh my makeup so when they find me I look halfway decent? Or maybe change into some "single girl" underwear in case the attending physician at the ER is cute? Should I turn on the TV so it looks like I was doing something other than just posing here waiting for certain death?

Am I hyperventilating? I should call somebody. I gotta save my cell minutes, though. It's 8:57. Can I wait three minutes? I should get a land line. OMG, just today someone at work was telling me that 911 can't find you from your cell phone. It’s a sign—just like I cleaned tonight so they would find me in tidy surroundings. Even when I was cleaning, I was thinking, why am I doing this? I’m not having company or anything. Now I know— I’m gonna die. Shit! Had I wish I hadn't paid 700 bucks for that stupid crown on my back molar.

You get the picture.  Crazy, huh?  And I have the nerve to tell people how to run their lives...


Anonymous said...

Totally made me LOL. I once had a lady I work with tell me she wore her 'old' underwear to work one day (she was pregnant) and they had a spot in them and wouldn't you know it on her way home she got into a car accident and the hospital actually thought she has 'spotted' and something might be wrong with the baby (everyone was fine and her underwear was just old remember). But your story totally reminded me of her story. I remember thinking....I should always wear my good stuff. I paid for it so why shouldn't I? LOL Did I just go off on a tangent?

JeannetteLS said...

Hey, one of my oldest friends and I, both of whom have been in and out of hospitals for serious things, used to start laughing when we had bronchitis because, independently we'd think we had throat cancer. One time I decided I had colon cancer just like my dad. There is nothing more humbling than learning I had HEMRHOIDS... Hemerhoids. Oh, to hell with spelling. Unglamorous signs of aging. My tiara is at the cleaner's, but I am ready to RE-don it. THANK YOU for your support over the last year. I LOVE your book and I never do forget a kindness. Happy New Year. Panic is good. I'm going to have it made into a cross-stitch hanging.

Julie D said...

OMG, you make me laugh out loud. Seriously.

The best part about knowing you in person is that when I read these things, I "hear" you saying them in my head, and see you "tawking" with your hands and facial expressions!

I miss you!!!!!

Tara said...

After seeing not one, but two headaches actually turn out to be brain tumors, I don't mess with illness anymore... I'd rather have a doctor look at me like (and possibly tell me I'm) an idiot than die... Just sayin... Love ya :)

Anonymous said...

Well Linda,
All those crazy wacko religious nuts are "hell-bent" (get it? ha ha ha) on making us believe that the world is gonna end in December 2012! I say enjoy your life & live like each day is your last anyway!

gayle said...

Oh yes I know how your mind works!!! Right now I am thinking to I have lung cancer or just chest conjestion! Yesterday on the way home from work....I was thinking I think I'm having trouble breathing should I call 911? Maybe there is something in the air!