Get out and stay out! (You might meet Kato Kaelin or Norm MacDonald)

Wow, last Friday night was really something.
 
First I attended a book release party for Andrew Kiraly's debut novel, Crit, at a bar in downtown Las Vegas.  As much as I love Vegas, I still can't warm up to downtown; there are simply not enough hallucinogens for me to find the lights of the Fremont Street Experience remotely entertaining.  Okay, I was dancing on the bar at Hogs and Heifers a couple of Sundays ago in the middle of the afternoon, but for the most part downtown doesn't do it for me.   

Anyway, we've had quite a monsoon season here lately and it started to downpour on my way and I was like, I should just go home and watch a movie.  Then I couldn't find the bar and I hate driving around downtown and I was starting to get in a piss-poor mood and then I found the bar but there was no place to park, and when I finally found a parking spot on the far end of the lot, I had to wait to see what was up with these two Mexican guys who seemed to be just hanging out, perhaps waiting to prey on a middle-aged granny in a short shirt and heels that would hardly allow her to run like hell even if Satan himself were trying to grab her purse and the $18 inside of it.

OK, so I get into the bar in one piece and I don't know a soul except the woman who invited me to the event--the president of Stephens Press, which is the book's publisher.  She's tied up selling books, though, so I walked around and usually I'm really good by myself in bars, but everyone seemed to know each other and I was starting to bum like I was in a new high school and wasn't worthy of talking to the cool kids.

Finally my friend Teresa Watts from the Henderson Writers Group showed up and she didn't know anybody, either, and even though we both had on really cute outfits, we sat over to the side like Square Pegs and Teresa told me how she lost all this weight by eating fish, fruit and vegetables and now she weighs 112 and I was like ready to freakin' cry because that morning I weighed exactly what I weighed the day I gave birth (139).  Both times.  But nonetheless, I was glad she and her skinny ass were there for me to talk to.

After a while we decided to leave.  I had been planning on stopping in at the Fryer's Club, the weekly gathering for local comics over at Big Al's Comedy Club in the Orleans, but that didn't start until 11:30 and it was only about 9:00 so I decided to head over to catch the comics at Tommy Rockers.  Of course, on the way I missed my freakin' exit because some asshole wouldn't let me over and I was like, I should just go home.  I didn't, though, and finally got there in time to catch the last two comics. 

At that point it was only 10:00 and I still had another hour and a half till the Fryer's.  I decided to head over to the Orleans and figured I'd catch some of the band in the Irish pub next to Big Al's.  It was an all-girl band with a guy playing with them and not to be sexist, but sometimes women should just shut up because I swear to God, they talked forever  between every single song and I was like, just get on with the freakin' music.  After a while I couldn't take it anymore and thought, I should just go home, but instead I played nickle video poker and then got pissed when I lost three dollars.  (You don't really hear me talking about gambling much, do you?)

Anyway, I decided to head over to the food court and even though by now it was 11:00 at night and I was sure to weigh 140.5 or so by then (28.5 pounds heavier than that skinny bitch friend of mine), I ordered three meatballs and sauce at Sbarro's, which, by the way, is my favorite cheapo place to eat, second only to the $1.50 hot dog special at Costco.

FINALLY it was time to head over to Big Al's and hang with my comic friends.  As you can imagine, I'm on the older end of the spectrum, but from day one, the young guys have always been so sweet to me and I love being part of that scene.  My buddy Joe Lowers was there and a bunch of other people and it was just so much fun.  While sitting at the bar, I saw Kato Kaelin, who's hosting a show at Big Al's, standing not too far from me.  Let me tell you something, he looks pretty damn good!  I didn't talk to him much, but he was really sweet.

Photo credit:  MHA Photography

I look weird in that picture.  WTF?  (Why the face?)


Then, who else was there but Norm MacDonald, who was performing in the showroom last weekend.  I got to talk with Norm quite a bit.  He asked me where I'm from, what I do, where I live... and when he told me he's from Canada, I gushed, "I LOVE Canadians!"  And then I went on about how so many of my favorite musicians are Canadian and I when I found out he's from Quebec City, I was like, "OMG, my all-time favorite musician is from Quebec!" and he was like, "Who's that?  Daniel Lanois?" and I was like, "YES!" and he was like, "Wow, not too many people know who he is" and then we talked about Daniel Lanois and other Canadian musicians and he asked for my card and said he'd comp me for his Saturday show. 

Is that cool or what?

Photo credit:  MHA Photography

What is the weirdness that is my face?  Huh?  Like seriously, in real life I do not have that Quagmire jaw.  Norm looks great--I kept telling him I couldn't believe how young he looks and I really meant it.  He has a real baby face.

So anyway, I ended up having a fantastic night and my point is, how many times did I almost go home?  You see?  The moral of this story is, you have to get out.  Nothing exciting is ever going to happen at home.  Yes, a cute UPS guy in shorts might show up at your door during the day (no wonder why QVC is so popular), but no one's gonna come knockin' at night. 

So get out, and stay out!