Big freakin' news... tomorrow

OMG, you won't believe the latest casualty of my Purgefest 2010. I'll be breaking the news tomorrow. What a tease, huh?

In the meantime, how much do you love this pic I stole from Courtney's Facebook? Two weeks to go!


Court's friend Ken Jacobie is an amazing photographer. He took that one as well as these of the Blackwell Sinners at their gig last Saturday night. They were amazing--I was so proud!




That's my son-in-law, John, Courtney, Christopher and their dad, Chris. They were truly AMAZING! The show was taped for future broadcast--I'll let you know if it will be available for download.

But oh, yeah... just wait for Saturday's news. You are so not going to see this coming. I don't think so, anyway.

The beauty of strangers

I love traveling because I always meet the nicest people. Look at this sweet girl who sat next to me on my flight to Albany last Thursday.


Precious, huh?

Her name is Kaitlin and she’s from California, but she’s currently living just north of Albany with her boyfriend, Sean. He’s in the Navy and is learning to be a nuclear something-or-other, I want to say engineer. Suffice to say, he’s a hell of a lot smarter than I am.

Kaitlin struck up a conversation with me over my People magazine with Sandra Bullock on the cover. Yeah, don’t we all have an opinion on that? Well, I can tell I’m interested in someone when I put down my celebrity rag to shoot the breeze with them, and I found my adorable new friend fascinating.

You know how when you’re talking to someone you try to guess their age and hope it comes out in conversation so you know how right you were? I figured Kaitlin was one of those 26-year-olds who looks 15, but no, she’s actually only 19. Nineteen! That in itself is freakin’ precious. The only reason I thought she was older is because she seemed so together.

Kaitlin told me she was only 1 pound, 13 ounces when she was born—can you imagine? She’s an only child, and the reason she was so tiny is because her mother had lupus. Unfortunately, her mother died at age 38, when Kaitlin was just 8.

Kaitlin had a bunch of pictures in a plastic bag that she was bringing back to show her boyfriend. She asked if I’d like to see them, and of course I did. She showed me photos of herself as the teensiest little baby with oxygen tubes running into her nose and then at various stages of her childhood, with her parents and later with just her dad. Her mother was a beautiful dark haired woman of Creole descent and Kaitlin’s father looked like the party guys I went to college with. In every picture, their little girl was smiling broadly.

A motherless child—how could she be so happy? I wondered. A nanosecond later Kaitlin said, “The thing I miss most about my mother is her smile. She was always so happy.”

I enjoyed every second of the three hours or so of our conversation. When we landed, I asked Kaitlin if I could take her picture for my blog and she insisted I also get one of the two of us together. I obliged, despite my anxiety of a close-up of my 52-year-old face cheek-to-cheek with a beautiful 19-year-old.


In the terminal, I introduced Kaitlin to my sister and grandson and I met her boyfriend, Sean, before we hugged and went our separate ways. I’ll keep in touch with her, just as I keep in touch with another young traveler, Tobi, whom I met on a flight a couple of years ago on my way home from New Orleans. I love that kid, too.

These young friends of mine make me feel I’m a very lucky gal. Wonderful things happen when strangers are no longer strangers.

Douche bag.

"In the end, our hearts beat only for ourselves."
-- p. 258, Bastard Husband: A Love Story

Photos from Albany

So after Saturday's post, my most boring to date, I will now thrill you with... pictures from my daughter's baby shower party.


Holy crap, are you longing for the days when I posted about my mother's gall bladder surgery? Oh, humor me.

Here's the pregnant girl, three weeks before her due date.


My sister Lori and her family came up with some great presents.


You can't tell from the pic below, but Courtney's holding a tube of SPF 100 sunscreen. Court's so pale she makes Nicole Kidman look tan, and John's a redhead, so this baby's going to need that big time!


Remember my post about stuff white people like? If you recall, Bob Marley was #125 on the list.


That was from my niece, Marlee. I don't know who gave them this next shirt, but I have a feeling Baby Rice will be wearing it a lot.


This wasn't a boring girls-only shower; boys were invited, too. Here's my son, Christopher, with his girlfriend. Aren't they adorable?


They took this picture right after they cut my arms off, but I still managed to smile. I'm such a trooper.


Jeez, Connor's catching up with me. It's not like I'm short--I'm just under 5'5". Those are really tall people!

I have a lot to tell you about the great music show Saturday night and the cutest girl who sat next to me on the plane from Vegas to Albany. Next time. Today I'm back to "reality" and my gray cubicle. Weh. But at least I have some great memories to get me through the day!

Fun time in the tundra

Having a great time in Albany, though actually I'm out in Rensselaerville right now. Yesterday was like 30 degrees and windy--so not the weather I love. The snow is gone in Albany, but out here in the Helderberg mountains there's still lots of it on the ground.

Had a great day with my boy Connor yesterday. I took him to see Diary of a Whimpy Kid, which made me laugh out loud several times. The nerdy kids stole the show. There was one part where I had to hide my eyes, though, because of the grossness factor. Then last night we watched the greatest movie of all time, What About Bob?

Tonight the kids have their gig and tomorrow's the baby party. I'll post pics when I get back. In the meantime, please accept my sincere apologies for what is undoubtedly my most boring post to date.

Heading back to Albany for a long weekend

It’s funny how many people emailed me after Tuesday’s post. Generally they wanted to know two things: 1) Has Mike been purged? and 2) Am I still in your rolodex?

No, Mike hasn’t been purged. We are definitely not together at the moment, but that’s happened more than once before. Something always pulls us back together, so who knows. Or maybe we’ve finally reached the end of the line. Stupid boys. I’m taking a break from all of them altogether for a while.

Are you still in my rolodex? Of course.

Later this afternoon I’m jetting off to Albany for a long weekend. My kids’ band, The Blackwell Sinners, has a gig Saturday night in a public radio-affiliated venue called The Linda. They, along with my son-in-law’s band, Red Haired Strangers, and a few others are part of the Roots Festival. There is almost nothing that brings me more joy than watching my kids play together! I believe their father (my first ex, Chris) and Courtney’s husband, John, are backing them up. Can’t wait!

Then Sunday is Courtney’s baby shower. Except it won’t be a boring-ass event where a bunch of women in floral dresses sit around and oooh and aaaah over cute baby stuff. No, this will be a beer-drinkin’ shindig. And boys are invited. (Boys aren’t really stupid—I was just kidding.) And there’s sure to be more great music.

This trip has been planned for a while, and the timing is perfect for me to get away. I can’t wait to get my hands on my precious grandson, Connor--the big brother-to-be. I’m glad I did all that purging; I could eat him up.

Yeah, getting away for a few days is definitely a good idea.

P.S. Thanks to those of you who came out for the "Meet the Authors" blogging panel last night at the Clark County Library. I love to talk to groups of writers, and blogging is near and dear to my heart. It's been a real joy.

XOXO

Newsflash and spring cleaning, a.k.a. "Sticking my finger down the throat of life"

Here’s the newsflash part: After 22 shows, I’ve decided to call it quits on The D Words. Working a full-time job and doing four shows a week was stressing me out big-time. I was beyond my usual nutcase self, heading straight into mental territory. I’ll be forever grateful to Joe Lowers, the show’s producer, for giving me this fantastic opportunity but I can’t keep it up. Not at this pace. Perhaps the show will be resurrected in some other form in the future, but for now I need to step back. I know it’s the right thing to do.

Here’s the spring cleaning part: I’m not actually cleaning anything—I’m purging. Getting rid of shit, especially bullshit. There are certain people I’ve been patient with and certain circumstances I’ve put up with for a long friggin’ time because I’ve been trying to be a “hang in there” and “give the benefit of the doubt” and an open minded kind of person, which I can tell you is not my nature (but I have definitely come a long way). Maybe there’s something going on right now from an astrological perspective, but my tolerance for bullshit of any kind is at an all-time low and it's all going.

Yikes, don’t I sound mean? I’m actually feeling rejuvenated.

I want to make it clear that my show was not in the bullshit category; Joe Lowers is awesome and working with him has been amazing. The schedule, on top of my day job, was just wearing me out. Realizing I had to make that change brought into the forefront other changes that should be made, other areas where I realize I need to put myself first.

So in the past couple of days I’ve been purging mental, emotional, and physical crap from my life like a crazed bulimic. Deleting names from my cell phone and files from my laptop… going through drawers, cabinets, closets… on the prowl for items to get rid of and gleefully throwing stuff out. Every plastic bag I take out to the dumpster fills me with joy. I feel like I’m in a movie, dramatically sweeping everything off the table of my life with one swoop of the arm. Let things crash to the floor; who needs that shit anyway? It’s awesome.

And now for something completely different...

Here are some pics from last Saturday night. Two of my blog readers, Drew and Eric, came to my show and afterward they invited me to a party in a suite at the MGM. I met Drew last year and was delighted to see him again. Eric's a great guy, too, and I'm not just saying that because I love Jews. He's nice as hell.

Here's me and Eric. What a kick-ass view, huh?


Look, Hurricane Mikey was there, too!


I'm a lucky gal. No doubt about that.

Gotta buy more plastic bags.

They want education cuts? Start with gym class.

Last Tuesday the Clark County School District posted this survey asking parents, students and taxpayers how the district should handle its $123 million budget shortfall. The district’s goal is to make the cuts with as little impact as possible on student learning. Some of the options they offer are to increase class size, reduce expenditures on textbooks and instructional supplies, eliminate sports and extracurricular activities, and do away with behavioral/alternative schools and school police (!).

If I were queen, I’d say get rid of gym class. Not across the board; let the kids who are into sports continue to play. I get the whole cooperation/team building thing.

No, here’s what I propose: have all kids take a physical fitness test. If they pass, they’re off the hook and don’t have to endure the torture of gym class. I hated gym (I almost didn’t graduate from high school because I skipped it so often) and the dykey gym teachers hated me back because I was all girly and didn’t want to play boys' sports. I was already physically fit from years of ballet—why did I need to learn the rules of basketball? Please.

So, yes, I would have passed the fitness test. But these days we supposedly have a national childhood obesity problem and that’s because kids need to get away from computer and TV screens and play outside until the streetlights go on. So what should we do with those kids who wouldn’t pass a fitness test? I agree they should be physically fit, but subjecting them to the humiliation of being the last one picked on a team for a game they don’t care to play is hardly the answer. These kids would be better served in a gentle calisthenics or yoga program, a program not led by someone with a whistle around their neck, but by volunteers who want to instill self-esteem in these kids, not destroy it.


Okay, so we eliminated a bunch of P.E. positions. On to math.

Basic addition, subtraction, multiplication and division—that’s all you need. Unless they want to be carpenters or math teachers, why make kids take dumb-ass classes like geometry and trigonometry? I have yet to find use in everyday life for a friggin’ sine, cosine, or tangent. Most people just need to learn how to figure a 20 percent tip for wait staff in a restaurant (though you can get little cards to keep in your wallet with those calculations). And if something is 40 percent off at Macy’s, it’s good to know how much you’ll need to come up with at the register. (But if you shop at Ross, they put the discounted price right on the sticker.)

Come to think of it, after I learned to read, write, and do basic math—which I pretty much had down by third grade—and considering the knowledge I actually retained into adult life, I bet the remaining nine years of schooling could have been condensed into a semester or two. Lots of opportunities for cutting back there.

How about you? Any thoughts?

In another month I'll be a run-of-the-mill granny

Hey, check out this picture of my daughter, Courtney. I stole it from her Facebook page.


Doesn’t she look gorgeous? Simply gorgeous, I say!

We still don’t know if Baby Rice is a girl or boy, and Courtney and John have not shared the names they’ve selected, which I think is smart. Sometimes you tell people the name you picked out and they react with a face that looks like they just had a throw-up burp. Then, of course, they have to tell you the name they love, as if you give a crap. Nope, best to keep that info to yourself.

I can’t wait to see this kid, whatever it is and whatever it’ll be named. One thing’s for sure: since Court’s a tad over 5’10” and John’s about 6’2”, there will be one long and lean new person roaming this earth.

You know what’s weird? I was a young mother (two kids at 21) and became a grandmother at a young age, too—I was 41 when Connor was born. But I’ll be 52 when Baby Rice comes along; that’s totally old enough to be a grandmother.

Wow, I’m going to be just a regular old granny.

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. I was back at the Pioneer Saloon again last Sunday; this time raising hell with two bikers and an ex-Chippendale dancer.


Just a little something to tell my new grandchild…

The show's a bomb, but a marriage ref is a pretty good idea

So I think we’re all in agreement that Jerry Seinfeld’s new project, The Marriage Ref, is simply terrible. But hold on… let’s reconsider the idea. Maybe there's something to salvage.

Picture this. After extensive interviewing and upon mutual agreement (that’s key), a couple hires a person to be their marriage ref. Every time the couple has some sort of marital problem that they can’t work out for themselves--and as soon as they realize they’re at an impasse--they call their ref. Each spouse has a specified timeframe, let’s say no more than two minutes, to present their case. After hearing each side, the ref rules for either the husband or wife and that’s the freakin’ end of story. Each side has to accept the ref’s ruling.

No backtalk, no arguing. Live with it. Move on.

Think of how much time would be saved—no more playing out the same goddamn arguments over and over and over. You want to bring this up again? You really want to call the ref for this AGAIN? Think of the kids that would be spared having to listen to their parents’ constant bickering or worse, screaming at the top of their foolish lungs.

And think of all the marriage counselors that would be put out of business. Really, why would anyone bother sitting through hours of hours of expensive therapy with some bespectacled, diploma-ed idiot spouting shit like, “So you never felt you earned your mother’s approval” when they could be having incredible make-up sex within five minutes of pressing their ref’s number on speed dial?

I swear, people, I’m on to something.