A few of my virtual girlfriends and I have been having great fun over the past few days engaging in a sort of "Biggest Loser" competition. Our friendly banter has nothing to do with weight loss; no, we've been ranting on our, um, curious taste in men. Though I've never seen these spirited gals face-to-face, I'd bet my last dime we're all more attractive and more intelligent than the average bear, yet it seems we all could be cover girls for the book "Smart Women, Foolish Choices."
I kid you not, here are five things I've heard on dates since I've been in Las Vegas. Keep in mind that nobody held a gun to my head forcing me to go out with these fellas; no, something in my brain decided, "Sure, give this one a try." Here goes:
1. "I'd love to hang out and talk, but I gotta get to Check City (payday loan company) before they close.” Soooo, I guess I'm picking up this tab, huh?
2. "I flossed my teeth for you." Well, I am worth it. And I hope you put on some deodorant, too. But I most definitely did not wax the bikini line for you.
3. “Would you like to see a picture of my 6-week-old baby?” Is this a date or an interview for a nanny?
4. "Did I ever tell you about the time I got in a road rage fight in the parking lot after my anger management class?" (This was the same guy who picked me up at my apartment and handed me not flowers, but a brochure about his chronic mental illness.) (And I went out with him for like 6 months.)*
5. “I’ve ever been with anyone so old.” Well, I’ve never been with anyone so stupid.
I sometimes do a bit in my stand-up routine that goes like, "I hate it when women say 'All men are assholes.' I mean, I wish! There'd be more for me to date!"
I'm kidding, of course, and let the record state that I love, love, LOVE men. But holy shit I need to get out of the habit of choosing guys simply because they'd be a great source of material for my comedy act or my next book.
* I should say that #4 is actually one of my favorite men on earth. See my Veteran's Day blog and you'll know why.
It's all good... yep, it's all good.