Friday, January 16, 2009

Good thing Clay Aiken doesn't fly

I’m posting on a Friday night instead of my usual Saturday morning because tomorrow I have to be up and out by 6:20 a.m. I'm going on a Hummer tour to the west rim of the Grand Canyon. I’ve been to the south rim many times (that's where I am in the picture below), and I made it to the north rim once, but this will be my first time visiting the westernmost part of the canyon.

The west rim is supposed to be nice, and it’s a lot closer to Vegas than the south rim, where most people go. I’m particularly looking forward to checking out that new skywalk that projects more than 4000 feet over the canyon. It’s odd that I have no problem with heights since I’m afraid of a million other things, including fake fingernails, pictures of Jesus, and Clay Aiken. But most of all I’m afraid of birds.

I know they’re supposed to be spiritual creatures and all, but I cannot freakin’ stand birds. When I see them on the sidewalk in front of me, I jiggle my keys and clear my throat, and if they don’t fly away, I’ll cross the street. Sometimes they become domesticated, like the ones in front of Panera Bread in the District at Green Valley Ranch. There’s no scaring them; they’re so used to being around people. I have actually asked strangers to escort me into the place and protect me from those filthy things.

Years ago when I posted a profile, I said that overall I’m low maintenance, but my date must be willing to shoo away birds. I wasn’t kidding. And I still wouldn’t dream of having even a casual date a bird lover. It would never work out.

My dear friends Tim and Susan, who live back in Albany, have two birds. (They used to have a bird named “Linda.” So not funny.) I am able to go to their house, though, because I trust them to lock and hermetically seal the cage when I come to visit. They know as much as I do that if one of those f*ckers ever got out, I would spend eternity in a padded room rocking in the fetal position.

Don’t ask me why I’m so afraid of birds—I can’t recall any traumatic event in my childhood and yes, I have seen the movie The Birds. Like a million times. Hello, it totally validates my point that they're pure evil. And what caused that plane to go down in the Hudson River on Thursday? Just sayin'.

I bet you didn't know there’s an “Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds” Barbie. Can you believe it? My friend Ann sent me this link. I kid you not, here’s the product description:

"This Barbie is for The Birds! Celebrating Alfred Hitchcock's classic film, this incredible collector's doll features our heroine being attacked by a trio of fine feathered foes, just like in the movie. Will these plastic birds damage her delightful handbag or her carefully styled hair? We certainly hope not! Be sure to let Barbie into your home and pray that the birds don't come in with her! Stands about 11 1/2-inches tall."

Isn't that too funny?

Amazon says the same people who bought it also bought Elvis and Priscilla dolls.

As a joke, one of my precious girlfriends from work, Kirstin, played with the image and put my face on Tippi Hedren's body. The sickest part is, I didn’t even notice the birds pecking at me.

No, all I could think was, “Gee, I wish I were that thin.”


Lilly said...

Have fun, always wanted to go to the Canyon, one day. Strangely I posted a spider on my latest blog and Julie also said she cannot tolerate birds. And you make a cute Linda doll - green is your colour. I used to love Barbies - sad but true. Imagine she is 50 this year! And still has a 17 inch waist! Loved your last radio show, had a listen!

Vegas Linda Lou said...

A Linda doll! That's when I'll know I've really made it. Brilliant, Lilly! My delusions of grandeur are never-ending. "And when I die, I shall lie in state..."

Thanks for listening to our Aging Nymphs show! My sister and I have a lot of fun with that.

Bar L. said...

What can I say except that I absolutely love you! This post lifted me from a pit of self pity/depression/crappy mood and made me laugh and smile.

You are just too much.

I can understand the fear of fake fingernails and Clay Aiken.

Personally I can't even LOOK AT A PHOTO of that freakin walkway at the Grand Canyon - seriously did you go on that thing? I'll swat away birds for you if you promise to post a warning before putting any photos of that thing on here.

Sandi said...

I am so glad I found you! Thank you for the nice comment on my blog.

Your blog is so fun! I am adding it to my roll.

linda said...

Baby birds are repulsive. I cannot look at them without going eeewww!Birds smell and bite. And they crap on my car. I also hate touching wild animals like kangaroos and koalas. They are full of mites - disgusting.

That photo of you at the Canyon is very impressive. I puts into perspective how big it is (the Canyon, not you).

Can't believe that Barbie doll. Creepy - I must have a look at the exchange rate. I need something creepy in the house.

Julie D said...

OK seriously, you are starting to scare me with how much alike we are. I am PETRIFUCKINGFIED of birds. Dead or alive. Makes no difference. And i know where it came from...when I was really little my sister made me watch that damn Birds movie (I must have been like 4 or 5??) and immediately afterwards, our dog wanted in the house so she sent me to let him in. Turns out, a freaking bird had gotten itself trapped between our screen door (this is back in the days of the wood screen doors, remember those?) and the main door, so when I opened it to let the dog in, the bird flew directly at my head and traumatized me for life!!!!!

I am so coming to Vegas to hang with you. I swear we were separated at birth.

Vegas Linda Lou said...

Oh, girls, it's nice to know I'm not the only one! Julie and Linda, we are so right on about this.

Barbara, I'll be sure to give you fair warning when I post the photo of the Skywalk. It really wasn't scary at all!

Sandi, thank you for checking out my blog. You're not on my Blogging Buddies list, too!

Vegas Linda Lou said...

Oops, I meant to say, "You're NOW on my list." Duh.

Andi said...

Birds aside, Tippy/Barbie looks much nicer with your face!