Saturday, January 3, 2009

Guys: 5 things NEVER to say on a date

A few of my virtual girlfriends and I have been having great fun over the past few days engaging in a sort of "Biggest Loser" competition. Our friendly banter has nothing to do with weight loss; no, we've been ranting on our, um, curious taste in men. Though I've never seen these spirited gals face-to-face, I'd bet my last dime we're all more attractive and more intelligent than the average bear, yet it seems we all could be cover girls for the book "Smart Women, Foolish Choices."

I kid you not, here are five things I've heard on dates since I've been in Las Vegas. Keep in mind that nobody held a gun to my head forcing me to go out with these fellas; no, something in my brain decided, "Sure, give this one a try." Here goes:

1. "I'd love to hang out and talk, but I gotta get to Check City (payday loan company) before they close.” Soooo, I guess I'm picking up this tab, huh?

2. "I flossed my teeth for you." Well, I am worth it. And I hope you put on some deodorant, too. But I most definitely did not wax the bikini line for you.

3. “Would you like to see a picture of my 6-week-old baby?” Is this a date or an interview for a nanny?

4. "Did I ever tell you about the time I got in a road rage fight in the parking lot after my anger management class?" (This was the same guy who picked me up at my apartment and handed me not flowers, but a brochure about his chronic mental illness.) (And I went out with him for like 6 months.)*

5. “I’ve ever been with anyone so old.” Well, I’ve never been with anyone so stupid.

I sometimes do a bit in my stand-up routine that goes like, "I hate it when women say 'All men are assholes.' I mean, I wish! There'd be more for me to date!"

I'm kidding, of course, and let the record state that I love, love, LOVE men. But holy shit I need to get out of the habit of choosing guys simply because they'd be a great source of material for my comedy act or my next book.

* I should say that #4 is actually one of my favorite men on earth. See my Veteran's Day blog and you'll know why.

It's all good... yep, it's all good.


KriMonster said...

Haha! Only you, Linda. Gotta love it!

Hurricane Mikey said...

"You remind me of my ex" is also a good one that will cause a fella to go home alone at the end of the night.

/so I've heard

Lilly said...

Now how are we judging who won the Biggest Loser competition.

I LOVE this post because it makes me feel better about myself (even though Hurrican Mikey above disturbed me).

They say you have got to kiss a hell of a lot of frogs before you find your prince. So I think the prince is in close proximity now because that does seem a lot of frogs (even though its great comedy material, he he). Thanks for the laughs!!!! Do you regift your castoffs?

Hurricane Mikey said...

Disturbed? Sorry 'bout that.

/what did I do?

Vegas Linda Lou said...

I don't know, Mikey. If the ex was a good one, it could be taken as a compliment!

Tasha said...

Ahahaha! This blog is hysterical!

Anonymous said...

"You got to pay the tab for me if you're going to see what a wonderful guy like me can offer you in the future, take it as an transaction that you will never regret."

Vegas Linda Lou said...

I don't know, Lob Eng... I think I've incurred enough risk!

Julie D said...

I love you even more today. If one of us had a penis I'd totally fly to Vegas today and marry you at the Drive Thru Wedding Chapel.

Come to my blog, Vinnie needs advice...

krista zee said...

Oh how precious!

and as for #5- i sure hope it wasn't mid-coddle!

travel girl said...

So amusing!

I will surely look you up when I come to Vegas next time. I would love to meet you and maybe some of these men;)

Vegas Linda Lou said...

@ Julie: You would have to be the one with the penis; I could never walk around with that thing--ha!

@ kay zee: Sad to say, I've actually heard line #5 more than once. The first time, I should have seen it coming when he said, "My mom's name is Linda." The second time it was a guy my age, but he's adorable so I forgave him.

Thanks for visiting my blog!

CarmenSinCity said...

I'm totally cracking up girlfriend. I'm loving our chain of e-mails and the funniest thing is that I only told you about my latest guy. There is a long list of former flames that are even bigger losers. I have very questionable taste in men - just like you :)