Saturday, February 21, 2009

TMI Alert! (Mom, pass on this one…)

Last Thursday I put on a cute little dress and black tights, an outfit no doubt inappropriate for someone my age and a total “Glamour Don’t,” but I think I looked adorable, so who cares? Anyway, every time I left the ladies room at work I vigilantly checked that the back of my dress wasn’t tucked into my tights, distinctly remembering the time I waltzed down the hall at a previous job with my sundress stuffed into my underwear.

So. Not. Pretty. You have no idea how much I was thanking God I wasn’t wearing a thong that day. (Hey, I gave you the TMI alert.)

So I’ve been thinking a lot about embarrassing moments lately and then yesterday I nearly blew my Guinness all over my monitor laughing at this post by my blogging buddy Linda in Australia. Linda’s full-frontal bravery inspired me to reveal my own Most Embarrassing Moment Ever.

I have to preface this with some explanation. Stay with me.

When we were together, my (second) ex and I hiked almost every weekend. We took tons of pictures and, as a joke, while in the most remote areas of Wyoming, Utah and other parts of the West, I’d invariably pull up my shirt, flash him, and give him a big cheesy smile. Mature, I know. And yes, I fully expect the entire collection of boob shots will grace the Internet soon after the release of my book, Bastard Husband: A Love Story. That’s just the price I have to pay.

Anyway, I like to think BH and I have maintained a loving relationship since we divorced in 2003 (living in separate hemispheres makes it a lot easier). I should say our split was not due to lack of love or compatibility, but because after his thirteenth beer he’d turn into a, well… bastard. I’m sure even he would admit to that. But we’re good, and every couple of years he comes to the U.S. for a conference; last year he stayed with me here in Las Vegas for two weeks.

So one day I needed some alone time and decided to go Panera Bread, a large café near my apartment, to do some writing. The place was packed, but I found somewhere to sit. I flipped up my laptop, hit the “on” button, and then got in line to place my order.

Okay, so picture me returning to my seat, walking through the crowded restaurant with my excellent yoga posture and my Linda Lou confidence, smiling at everyone along the way…

Now imagine my reaction when I find that, as a joke, beloved BH had loaded this uncensored photo onto my laptop as my wallpaper, for all the world to see:


Yes, there I am at Mount Rushmore, in front of the four greatest U.S. presidents ever. And in front of everyone in Panera Bread--old people, families with young children, the guy smiling in the seat behind mine… everyone.

I could have died.

But as my Aussie friend Linda can tell you, that’s nothing compared to blowing a snot bubble out your nose during a job interview.

See? There’s always someone worse off than you are.

Oh, my blogging buddies bring me such joy! I love you all!

28 comments:

Hurricane Mikey said...

Damn Linda, you just can't keep the girls inside, can you?!?!??

Great story though.

Linda and her Twaddle said...

Ah, now, at least there is no photographic evidence on my snot bubble.

Now, that sex tape from way back when may be an issue. Only joking.

Interesting what impulse there is to raise ones top now and then just for a laugh. How funny that would have been to see your face when got back to your laptop.

DebraLSchubert said...

I don't have an embarrassing moment that I haven't fully blocked from my mind, but flashing the girls reminded me of me and my husband's routine whenever he washes the car windows either at a gas station or car wash. All I'll say is he gets a private little "show..." We're so grown up. ;-)

Anonymous said...

By the size of the 'censored' banner I would say: "Very Nice!". Or is this just a marketing ploy for Panera Bread?

Vegas Linda Lou said...

@ Mikey: Yeah, I thought you'd appreciate this story.

@ Linda and Debra: Why is that flashing impulse so liberating? Very fun, huh?

@ Anonymous: "They're real and they're spectacular!"

Barbara(aka Layla) said...

I am sure the Panera customers are still whispering among themselves over this!!

I have a technical question: Were you wearing a bra? Did you pull that up too? I can't tell. If you were NOT wearing a bra how can you stand to hike without one? I have really big ones and it hurts to even walk around the house braless for too long....

I am tempted to tell my flashing story but am afraid one of my blog readers would see it over here and I'd die - I'm not as brave as you!!

Julie said...

Are you going to flash me at the airport when I land at McCarran? Because I just wanna have my camera ready if you are.

Vegas Linda Lou said...

Of course, Julie! But instead of carrying a cardboard sign, I'll tattoo your name on my chest.

T. Anne said...

The night before I was to start my internship as a therapist on a locked psychiatric unit, I was putting away dishes from the dishwasher. I dipped down and accidentally slit my wrist on an upturned knife.

Let's just say the patients felt right at home with me.

Vegas Linda Lou said...

Sure, Anne, "accidentally..." And of course you were the "therapist." Of course, dear.

T. Anne said...

LOL! Come to find out the only difference between the staff and the patients was that we held the keys.

Vegas Linda Lou said...

@ Barbara: Yep, I was wearing one of those stretchy bras that you can easily pull up in a flash. Or for a flash.

Go ahead and tell us your story!

408Down said...

LOL! Ok, so you've told me this story in person, and it's still hilarious! What makes it better as a blog post though is that there's a picture included!! Classic!!

Laura said...
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Vegas Linda Lou said...

"Linda Lewd..." Brilliant! But the appeal of "Menopause the Musical" eludes me. Fortunately, I've been able to dodge any ill effects of that part of life. I think I'm just a super-late bloomer. I don't even have wisdom teeth yet. Seriously.

Barbara(aka Layla) said...

Your commenters are so funny! Glad to hear you had the girls in some sort of bra for a hike. My girls felt better hearing that :)

Laura said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

WOW! Now that IS a "loaded" posting!

- Sez Cory!

Wow, that was awkward said...

Ahh, so that explains why all the guys bring beads to the Vegas Panera.

Laura said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Vegas Linda Lou said...

Are you out of your friggin' mind, Laura??? Do you actually think I would entrust my precious 13-year-old Saturn with a dent in the roof with a total stranger, right before it's going to hit 200,000 miles? It's a miracle I don't have The Club on it right this minute!

As far as leaving my laptop unattended... it wasn't out of my range of vision for too long, though I'm probably a little more trusting than most people. I prefer to believe in the goodness of people instead of living in suspicion. Not to say that hasn't ever backfired.

Laura said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Hey Linda!
Remember those fantasies you mentioned earlier regarding girl-on-girl action with Beverly D'Angelo? I have a friend of a friend of a friend that actually knows her! Who knows? She might be up for anything! Maybe we could meet sometime at The Green Door to discuss this further! It would give your readers something to read about on your blog (more photos of your "spectacular" rack to post even!) I'll bet all those Yoga postures make you extremely limber! Oh, Linda Lou, let us make your fantasies come true!

Love, Cory

Vegas Linda Lou said...

Don't tease me, Cory. Especially not about Bev.

Hurricane Mikey said...

I'm sure Mr. Pacino wouldn't mind some hot girl-on-girl action between you and the Bev.

Come to think of it, neither would I.

KriMonster said...

This story only proves how beautiful you are...in so many different ways! Haha!

I would've curled up in the corner and died because of the embarrassment!

travel girl said...

I can't wait for a Vegas trip! We will have a ton of fun:)

Lilly's Life said...

OMG now tht is embarassing. I would have loved to see your face when you sat down. Well you look great so what the heck!!! Must go check out Linda's story.