Thursday, July 12, 2012

I'm kind of mental lately, but I can't complain

I'm not gonna mince words.  I have three friends who are seriously ill.  One has cancer and is under hospice care; today is what will no doubt be his last birthday.  His partner was one of the first close girlfriends I made when I moved here--we were both writing books about our respective divorces.  I was miserable, but by then she was enjoying a beautiful relationship with the love of her life, who she is now about to lose. My heart aches for her.

Though I know worrying does no good, that kind of rationalization does not turn off my brain.  I worry.  I'm sad.  I'm angry.  I want to throw something. I want to kill anyone who says stupid fucking things like, "God has a plan." 

Anger has its place.  I actually took some comfort in my own words from this "I Hate Cancer" post, which I wrote days before my beloved Beautiful Aunt Joyce died of breast cancer back in 2009.   Okay, so I'm not the most mature person you'll ever meet, but it's a brilliant rant if I do say so myself.

The second person is the spouse of the most long-term friend I have, since the summer of 1963. Donna's husband was recently diagnosed with ALS, commonly known as Lou Gehrig's disease.  I don't have to tell you what that's all about.  Oh, and if anyone says a stupid fucking thing like, "God never gives you more than you can handle," I will ask, "Is that why Donna doesn't have cellulite?   Because God thought she can handle her brother's death, her husband's ALS, and a bunch of other issues she's had to deal with, but cellulite... no, that would just put her over the top.  I mean, what kind of God would give her cellulite?"

(Rolling my eyes.)  

The other friend...  it looks like he just needs a liver and kidney transplant.  Yeah, that's all.  Chuck and I have been friends for over 40 years, since we played kickball in the street on Lincoln Avenue.  He's one of my best friends on earth, and so is his wife.  If anything happens to Chuck, I will lose my shit.  And I mean fucking lose it.  Ten times a day I think of getting in my car and driving back to Albany and staying there until I know he'll be okay.

On top of all that, I can't stop thinking about my blogging buddy Barbara who has had the worst time, and for so long, dealing with her heroin-addicted son.  Shit is always hitting the fan with that kid and I'm like, how much can this poor woman take?  I've never met Barbara in real life, but that will change soon.  I will meet her and I will give her a long overdue hug in person. 

Barbara is forever expressing her thanks to her readers, and I understand why.  Blogging is a shitload of work, but I cannot tell you how wonderful it is to know that there are people out there who truly care about you.  I know I go through stages where I think I'm a total fuck up, and then out of nowhere I'll get a thoughtful comment or email Facebook message and it makes my day. 

So I'm mental lately.  I love my friends so much and I can't bear that they have to go through such pain and suffering.  And like Barbara, I am so grateful to be a part of the blogging community.  Some of you I know personally, having had the pleasure of meeting you.  Some I have corresponded with.  But I have no idea who most of you are.  I only know that I love you all. 

Stay healthy, will you?  And send some loving thoughts to everyone.

16 comments:

R. Jacob said...

my arms open wide to give you a hug...

Barbara said...

Wow, thanks for writing this about me. Yeah, you're mental, but aren't we all? Its people like you who keep me going and help me keep things in perspective and GIVE ME SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO! I'm meeting you soon and can't wait (not sure when but it will happen and I will bring my boyfriend with me).

kkerin said...

Sending loving thoughts to YOU! I'm so sorry for all that is going on with those you love.

Julie said...

I'm sorry, punkin. I wish your friends peace as they go through these difficult times.

The "God has a plan" thing always pisses me off too.

Hang in there, doll.

Taradharma said...

oh girl, I'd be mental too! all my stress-related illnesses would bloom and I'd be a complete mess. You, and your respective friends, have a lot on your plate. Grab a pillow, slap it over your face, and do a primal scream.

xoxoxoxo

Vegas Linda Lou said...

Thank you, everyone!

Anonymous said...

Hugs from Canada. Cassie.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for recommending the Adam Carolla book! I've been LMFAO all day! To me, the funniest line is on page 33 when he makes the suggestion to Disneyland that California Dreaming while eating a frozen banana w/his daughter on his lap was making him think about John Phillips & his daughter!
Anyway, totally hilarious & spot on in so many funny ways!

PS: I still say ADD is made up for lazy people who wish to make excuses & lack focus and dicipline. Child ADD is merely kids hopped up on sugar & caffeine & Asperberger's Syndrome is merely nerds with poor social skills justifying their rudeness toward others.

Vegas Linda Lou said...

Glad you're liking the Adam Carolla book! I know, it's easy to agree with your statement about ADD, just like one could say to a depressed person, "Just fucking snap out of it!" I really think something is happening in their brains that makes them the way they are and they can't help it. But that doesn't make it any easier for the people who have to live with them!

Vegas Linda Lou said...

P.S. And yes, it's a crime that kids are so hopped up on sugar. We pay for it as a society as the rate of diabetes goes through the roof...

Anonymous said...

It's been my experience that often times "God's plan" and "my plan" look completely different....and when you are dealing with tragedy and disease it's "my plan" you'd do anything to have happen. Just know that as much as you love the person experiencing the sickness, God loves them more...and although, I know, it is sometimes beyond difficult....try to trust in that immense love.

Vegas Linda Lou said...

Well put! The framework is a little hard for those who question the existence of God, though.

Anonymous said...

Care for a peanut butter sandwich?
On some gluten ADDED bread?

Gary said...

God does have a plan. Unfortunately it's a plan for a new addition to his house, so he's currently busy not giving a shit about the human race for the last 17,000 years. Won't he be surprised to see we've smoothed out our Neanderthal sloped foreheads!

Wish I could blink it away, kiddo. Best to everyone.

Mimi said...

Oh Linda, that is a lot to deal with.
Loving, healing thoughts, hugs and really good wishes on their way to you and all those people.
Anger does have its place, I agree.

Liz said...

Like stinks sometimes doesn't it? It's OK to be 'mental' when you love your friends and family as much as you do. It won't help them and it won't help you either. But it's still OK.

Good thoughts go out to all of them and to you for some peace and comfort in what ever way that comes.