Thursday, February 12, 2009

Wedding Update

So here’s the latest on my daughter’s wedding. When I talked to Courtney Tuesday afternoon, she still didn’t have a dress and she had yet to secure anyone to perform the ceremony, which (call me crazy) seems kind of crucial. Especially when the wedding is five days away.

Thankfully, Tuesday night she called to say everything’s falling into place.

Courtney: “Hi, Mom. I got a dress. I found it at The Deb.
Me: “The Deb? As in the Deb Shop? I remember buying hip huggers there in 1972.”
Courtney: “Yeah, that store is totally not me, but my dress is perfect. And Joanne the Buddhist who lives up the hill said she’ll do the ceremony.”
Me: “Whew! Thank God for the Buddhist up the hill.”
How many times have you heard yourself breathing that sigh of relief? It’s practically cliché, right?

Courtney: “AND, this is the best part... John’s parents are flying up for the wedding!”
Me: “Great! I can’t wait to meet them.”
Courtney: “Yeah, so be good and don’t talk about boobs or anything.”
Alright, can I just say that boobs is not a topic I typically bring up when I first meet people? I talk about boobs in my comedy act, but believe it or not, I am socially cultivated enough to know that upon introduction to your daughter’s in-laws, it's not proper to open the conversation with boobs.

Me: "What about penises? I suppose they’re off limits, too?"
So what a relief; everything seems to be under control. I didn't hear from her yesterday, and if there were any snags, I would have known. But I know from experience that no matter how simple you swear it's going to be, there’s always something that can go wrong.

Let me tell you about my second wedding. The date was December 30, 2000. My now ex and I decided we’d have a small ceremony, just the two of us, during his winter semester break in the New Age sanctuary of Sedona, Arizona. It would be perfect.

This excerpt from my still to be published manuscript, Bastard Husband: A Love Story, tells the rest.

We applied for a marriage license over the Internet and found a metaphysical minister, also through the Internet, who agreed to marry us at four o’clock on the balcony of a hotel overlooking Sedona’s crimson sandstone towers. The morning of our nuptials we hiked through red rocks and afterward relaxed in the hot tub, sharing our intentions with a biker couple from Ohio who offered to be our wedding photographers. Now this is the way to get married, we bragged—no hassles, no stress.

When it came time to get ready for the ceremony, I showered and did my make-up and hair the way I always do; no need to make a fuss. I unzipped the blue plastic garment bag I had ever-so-carefully protected during our flight, and oblivious to the possibility there could be more than one blue plastic garment bag in my closet at home, took out… my daughter’s junior prom gown. As my fingers slid across Courtney’s navy satin dress, which would have been tasteful enough to wear for the occasion, I lamented more than ever that I was no longer a size 3. Fortunately, I didn’t have to get married in hiking gear; I’d packed a separate bag with a little cocktail dress, in case we went out for New Year’s Eve.

And so, the bride wore black.
That was probably a sign, huh?

I have no idea what I’m going to wear to this pancake breakfast/wedding/Willie Nelson event on Sunday. But I’ll be damn sure I take the right bag with me.


Julie D said...

OMG! LOL...first of all, we think way too much alike because before I even read the line...I was saying "So are penises acceptable conversation?"

Seriously, I cannot wait to read your book. That visual made me laugh out loud. I just love you.

Anonymous said...

Oh how I hope to see photos of this wedding...

Anonymous said...
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Andi said...

I can see from the other comments that I'm not the only one anxious to read your book. I just adore you Linda!

Hurricane Mikey said...

I'd recommend a sundress to go with the whole hippie/buddhist thing, but you know, February in upstate NY...

You might get a bit chilled.

Whatever you choose, I'm sure you'll be *smashing*. Hottest mother-in-law EVAH!

Tana said...

So wonderfully comical. Don't you love reality?

BTW, LOVED the book excerpt!

Bar L. said...

Your life was meant to be a book...and your daughter is following in your footsteps!

Can't wait to hear more about the actual event after it happens :)

Vegas Linda Lou said...

Thanks for the encouragement about the book. I really do think it's pretty good and pretty damn funny and as soon as I get back from my trip I'm going to take the steps I need to take to self publish. The industry is a mess these days, and there's a new publishing model. I know I can do it! I'm so happy I have your support--that means A LOT.

I didn't talk to Courtney yesterday or today. Hmmmm...

Stay tuned.

Anonymous said...

I would love to read your book when it gets published. I laugh everytime I read your stuff. I'm little worried that since you'll be in NY on Sat. I won't be able to get my fix.

CarmenSinCity said...

Oh my gosh - the wrong dress - that's crazy!!!

Have a good trip.

Lilly said...

That is a great story and I loved the way your wrote this - you lamented that you were no longer a size 3, lol!!!!

Tasha said...

I've read this blog post 3 times and the "dont talk about boobs part" still has me laughing. You cant talk about boobs? Well then what the hell else is there to talk about? Good luck- it should be an incredibly fun day!

Anonymous said...

Too funny, Linda! Love you. Wish I'd been there.

Anonymous said...

I CAN NOT believe you told the world about The Deb...that was a secret. You have totally humiliated me...
Dear Everyone: