Dar, I am sure, is the sweetest thing that ever walked this earth; she looks adorable in the pictures she’s posted on her blog. She’s a midwife who lovingly soothes laboring mothers and welcomes their babies into the world. How could she be anything but nice?
I am equally as certain that Julie is a whack job. Of course, I mean that in the most complimentary way and let’s not forget it takes one to know one. This chick is twisted and that’s exactly why I invited her for a visit in the first place. I’d say birds of a feather flock together, but like me, Julie has a wicked bird phobia and we don’t care for expressions like that.
There are other similiarites: We also can’t stand rap and hip-hop music (is there a difference?), have unhealthy obsessions with Denis Leary, and even arrange our closets in a similar manner. Here’s a picture Julie posted last week, displaying her practice of arranging her blouses according to color:
And here’s my collection of sleazy $7.99 tops from Ross Dress-for-Less:
According to color, of course. Scary, huh?
But there are a couple of ways in which I know we’re definitely not alike. A few years younger than I am, Julie is a big-haired girl who loves the 80s. To me that decade represents a big black mark on American culture. The music was horrible (save for U2 and Talking Heads), the fashions were fugly, and then only way I could have big hair with my anemic locks would be if I put on a Don King wig.
But the biggest way that we differ: I would never, ever be able to stay at someone’s house for four nights sight unseen.
[Now, Travel Girl (who’s staying only until Saturday evening—those babies know no holiday schedule), she’s has been all over the world and I know Dar’s slept in conditions that would make me shudder; my idea of roughing it is a Courtyard Marriott with a broken air conditioner. We’re not cut from the same cloth when it comes to that.]
No, I am way too Princess and the Pea to blindly stay at someone’s house. Seriously, I’d be broken out in hives and eczema wondering,
What if they have a dog? What if it starts licking me?Okay, so you know I’m afraid of animals. But I have other worries; worries about food
What if they have a cat?
What if they have a cat and they let it walk all over the kitchen counters?
What if they have a dog and they’re the type who pets the dog and then starts molding the hamburger patties?
What if they have a bird?
What if they have feather pillows and one of the feathers falls out and then I have to have somebody come in and get rid of it for me because I don’t touch feathers?
What if they make scrambled eggs in the morning and they’re runny?Remember, this is coming from someone with spotted dick in her fridge.
What if they use margarine and not butter?
What if they make tuna salad with chunk light tuna instead of solid white?
What if they don’t use Hellman’s mayonnaise? What if they’re (gulp) Miracle Whip people?
What if they use skim milk and not 2%? Even whole milk would be fine, but I’m sorry, skim milk is blue.
What if they put celery in everything?
What if they make something I don’t like the sound of, like soy?
Those brave girls! So maybe Julie’s not a whack job compared to me. Hmm… I wonder what questions are going through their heads right now
Stay tuned for the latest in Saturday’s post. But don’t expect it too early—we have a swinging Friday night planned!
11 comments:
You are certain to have a blast with your sleepover. Looking forward to hearing ALL about it on your blog!Don't forget to teach those gals to yell, "cocktails" as you stroll through the casinos. People always turn heads and think you have drinks!! Its fun...okay I do it with my girlfriends & love it,... husband, not so much!
Julie-is-a-whack-job....I love her, she's funny and she's definately helped me through some bad bad times. You will have a blast with both girls!!!!!
And BTW - everything in my closet is color coordinated down to the shoes.
OK first of all, I haven't asked myself any of those food questions because we've established that you do not have food in your house.
Second, you aren't home enough to have a pet. Wasn't worried about that either.
Third, I find the fact that our closets look so much a like very comforting. So if you find me in yours, don't be alarmed. If you find me trying to squeeze your size small shirts over my size XL body...be very afraid.
I guess it never occurred to me to worry about staying with a total stranger. You don't strike me as a serial killer, and let's face it, I'm twice your size, I can swat you off like a fly if I have to. And if you snore so loud that it wakes the neighbors, there are an abundance of hotels in Vegas. And ear plugs.
The only question going through my mind right now is....how big of fools can we make of ourselves at the airport at 6:15 tomorrow night??
I second Jules...How big of fools can we make of ourselves tomorrow in the airport????
OH you girls are going to have a blast!!! I can't wait to hear stories.
BTW Linda, it isn't the empty state of the fridge that I am in awe of - it is how darn clean it is!!! I need you to move in with me for awhile and teach me the ways of clean. (Moose Drool is my staple beer!! - it resides next to my hubby's PBR - ACK!)
I so want pictures of Julie trying on your little shirts!!
You ladies have a blast & drink a few for me too!
@ Caprice: Sometimes I sashay around the cube farm at work and purr, "Drinks?... Cocktails?" It's fun!
@ Danica: Uh-oh. Sounds like you're one of us.
@ Other Julie: PBR?! Did you know that going into the marriage? BTW, you're next--we are so gonna meet up next time I visit Mom in Boise.
@ Julie and Travel Girl: The answer is, "VERY big."
'allo there ole matey!
I guess that's more "pirate" then "british"
You teach yoga? In vegas? I think we should team up and do a zen spa casino. Like, the slot machines would only make sounds of rushing water and crickets. And when you win, no bells and sirens, just a big glow of light cascades over you.
You didn't realize how totally genius I am?
This is the beginning of a BEAUTIFUL bloggership...but uh, I do pet my dogs and then make beef burgers...ALL. THE. TIME. But Miracle whip? NEVER!
I will be sure to have husband read the, "what if" section so he knows exactly where I get my craziness from.
Precious husband went to the grocery store and bought Price Chopper brand mayo. He said he didn't think I would notice because the packaging was exactly the same. He must of forgotten that unlike my math skills, I'm a pretty (well, duh!) good reader. No worries, there is now Hellman's in the fridge. I was thinking that the unopened P.C. mayo would look lovely in a donation box.
@ Courtney: Beloved daughter, there is absolutely no doubt over where you got your craziness from! And you're right about the Price Chopper mayo in the donation box.
A note from another branch of our family tree. I tell people I can only eat tuna that is made by me, my mother or my sister. I cringe when people order it in a diner! People think I am nuts when I tell them about not wanting to eat food from other people's houses due to the pet factor or the nose wipe factor or the using the same towel to dry dishes, hands and counter tops,,,, It goes on and on. How do we survive?
Oh you are a funny writer - fantastic. Make same wish I was coming to Vegas. I totally love your authentic self. Say it like it is! And I would have the same questions too!
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