I’m the kind of person who tends to make things much, much bigger than they need to be. Every little bump in the road or anytime something doesn’t go my way, my knee-jerk reaction is,“This sucks! This is the most horrible thing that could possibly happen!” It’s a miracle my blood pressure isn’t a thousand over a million and it’s safe to say that at just about any given time, I’m utterly annoyed or ready to kill someone.
Isn’t that terrible? Can I remind you I’m a certified yoga instructor? Ohm.
On the other end of the spectrum lies my daughter, Courtney. I can’t tell you how often she’ll say to me, “Mom, it don’t matter.” Though normally I would wash her mouth out for using a double negative, the grammatically incorrect nature of her mantra only reinforces its message. Because when I consider almost everything I worry about or get pissed over, I realize she’s right—it don’t matter.
Courtney gets her laid-back demeanor from her father, who’s one of the most even-tempered people I’ve ever met. Back in the early 80s I had a minor car accident (okay, I caused it—I was looking in my pocketbook for a nail file) and when I called Chris to tell him about it, I was a friggin’ mental patient. His response? “There are millions of cars out there. Every once in a while they’re gonna bump into each other.”
Must be nice.
I have two previews of my show scheduled for this coming Wednesday (1/27) and Friday (1/30). I’ve posted details over at www.bastardhusband.com; if you're in Vegas and want to come, send me an email and I’ll put you on the guest list. I’m trying not to freak about this; I just really want it to be good and as I’ve mentioned before, I struggle with stage fright. That's another difference between my daughter and me—when she was little, we’d be driving her to ballet recitals or auditions and she’d sing away in the back seat like we were taking her out for ice cream. No nerves whatsoever.
Courtney knew it don’t matter, even as a kid. And so it’s no surprise that when she was in high school, guess what she selected for her senior quote in the yearbook? The title of a Tom Waits song: “We’re All Gonna Be Just Dirt in the Ground.” (For that one, Court endeared herself to a hip global studies teacher who moonlighted in a blues band.) But it’s true, so why worry?
It don’t matter.
19 comments:
Wow! I can't believe I'm the first to comment here (unless I get beaten to it before I press the Publish button). Nice blog... skimmed through it after reading this post.. wanted to read it all.. then something strange happened. I wondered if you would like a comment from someone who not only never read your blog before.. but who would refrain from doing so on purpose. I'll just start from here onwards. And no, I'm not shy about posting here (we SortOfAnonymous people are like that)... plus, I'm guessing you won't have time to sort through all the email you get from here.. but I digress..
Okay, as a 45-year-old twice divorced sarcastic person who fantasizes at times about stand up comedy, I must say I enjoyed your post immensely (overused word, I know). Yes, I too, can get pissed off at the drop of feather... ironically while listening on my iPod to an audio book about how to stay calm at all times.. especially in traffic (ha!)..
I stumbled upon your blog by searching the word 'sarcastic' in your interests. I do that sometimes.. look up a peculiar interest for searching blog profiles. Now I'm intrigued, but.. for once.. I'm toying with the idea of deliberately not knowing anything about you as I write.
So while the answers to my questions might already be embedded in your blog(s) somewhere, I am clueless and will ask anyway: would you be interested in a joint writing project? Uh.. no, I have no previous written projects whatsoever, why do you ask?
And before I go, your following sentence from this post made me smile:
"if you're in Vegas and want to come...."
I thought people only went there for gambling and booze.. do they actually.. no.. no way.
Key Pup Then Ice Work
If it means something to you, it will matter. It is all about perspective.
I think you already know this, but I am exactly like you. I worry about everything. Even stupid little things.
It's true though, it don't mattta.
P.S. I really like the quote about growing up from your book, too! :)
P.P.S. I would sooo go out to Vegas to one of your shows if I could! It's gonna be awesome and you're gonna rock it!
@ Sort of Anonymous: Welcome and thanks for checking out my site! "A 45-year-old twice divorced sarcastic person..." that was me 7 years ago. If stand-up is a twinkle in your eye, start hanging out at open mics like I did and soon you'll get the itch to sign up to perform. Right now my show is consuming my time and I can't consider a collaboration, but I believe writers should be generous and share the knowledge they've gained. I encourage and have offered to help several of my blogging buddies get their writing off the ground, and I'll extend the same offer to you. Shoot me an email and tell me what you're working on.
@ R Jacobs: My problem is everything means something to me! I have to lower the bar a bit.
@ Teresa: THANK YOU!
Jon Stewart had a line about the bar and Democrats. "We have to set the bar on the ground and wait for them to trip over it."
I think that this is a good place to set all bars, except for drinking ones...
And you are in Vegas. Remember, please, that most people who are going to Vegas are there to escape and, probably are looking to be pleased. They WANT to laugh. I have not looked at your routine. Doesn't matter. Some people are just, plain, funny. It's not the jokes, maybe not in the material, even, but, woman, I have the sense that you could make folding laundry sound funny.
We who follow your blog, and undoubtedly the actual, like, real life people in your life haven't a doubt about your success. So be as nervous as you want. Twitch like a junkie. If it gives you the energy to burst out onto the stage, it's fine. But when you get to the microphone, to the part when you actually do your thing, just think of how many people never ever MAKE It to their dream. ENjoy it. Eat the damn place up and have a blast.
You have inspired me to go after my own dreams at last. I bet you are inspiring other people as well. SO THERE.
But in lowering the bar, don't actually trip over it. That would be my approach, but you? I'm hoping not so much.
Linda I am going to have to pop over to BH and check out the particulars on your show. I would LOVE to come. I should bring my husband, he has an infectious laugh and would be instant hysterics. Just from your blog, I KNOW you are hilarious and really funny. You will do GREAT! I too have a fear of speaking in front of large groups. Someone told me to always picture everyone in the audience naked....that works for me...course, I am a pervert.
If i didn't live so far away, I would love to come and watch your show.
You will be fantastic, I just know it.
Carol :)
Perth WA
I think this will be my new motto!
You're going to do GREAT in your shows! I KNOW it. Trust me.
@ Classic Rock Girl, Barbara, Jeanette, Donna, and Carol: God bless you. Seriously.
OK toots, listen up. You are one of the funniest women on the planet...naturally. Just having a general conversation with you is like watching a stand up routine. I vividly recall sitting on your patio and laughing so hard I almost snorted Dark Chocolate Stout out of my nose.
You have nothing to worry about. Your show will be a huge success, just like your book has been. If you're really worried about it, send me the script and I'll critique it for you. You know I can "hear" you when I read your words and you definitely know I'll tell you if something isn't funny or doesn't work,
Or is misspelled, but that's a whole other issue of mine.
I'll be out there in March to witness this show firsthand. And I cannot wait!!!
In the movie *Seven Years in Tibet*, just as the monks are about to be overrun and probably killed by the Chinese, Brad Pitt's character goes to the Dalai Lama who is all casual and zen-like and asks WTF? Aren't you worried about what's going to happen here? And Dalai says, "If a problem can be solved there is no use worrying about it. If it can't be solved, worrying will do no good."
I have never forgotten that--well, occasionally I forget it, but I'm remembering it now. There's a long list of OTHER things I now must forget about so I can find that inner peace again. See, memory is the real problem.
@ Julie: Thank you! I can't wait to see you again.
@ Liar Girl: I'm going to try to remember that, too--very cool!
i want to be one of those blessed people, who seem to relax through life, all the time enjoying it thoroughly.
i adore being around folks like courtney -- it completely calms me down. just as i'm about to hyper-ventilate, my calm friend, eve, can pull me back down and lower my pulse from the stratosphere.
good luck!!!! if i were ever anywhere near, i'd be howling and screaming for you (i have a very distinctive voice and laugh. awfully nasal, but very sincere.)
I SO wish I could head out to Vegas to see you! I KNOW you're going to be funny and it's going to be alright. Don't even waste a minute of worrying. You will be OKAY!!! Just breathe!!!!!!!
You sound like my wife... your ex husband sounds like me.
My wife gets upset over things that have happened or that could happen.
I only get upset over things that COULD happen that I actually have control over. If I don't have any control over something, what sense is it for me to get upset about it? What will it accomplish? Will my stress prevent something bad from happening/cause something good to happen? Generally the answer is no.
When I was in fourth grade, there was a Garfield poster on the classroom wall. Garfield was sitting in a rocking chair and the caption read, "Worrying is like sitting in a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere."
That and having a father whose mantra was/is largely, "Don't sweat the small stuff... and it's all small stuff" I came out even-keeled.
That being said, my wife & I being so drastically opposite in this regard does create quite a unique balance in our relationship.
Having just finished your book, I know, I KNOW you are going to rock. (And I don't know a whole lot, in general). Will definitely check out the video. When you get a moment to breathe, I left you a Happy 101 award...
I am so envious of the folks that are going to be able to catch your show in Vegas - they're going to laugh until they cry. I can only hope that you'll go on tour. :)
Oh, shut up woman! ... you're gorgeous!
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