The path of least resistance

Two weeks from today I head back to Albany for the holidays. Of course, I can't wait to see my kids and precious grandchildren (is there any other kind?), but man, I hate to even think about leaving the pleasant Vegas weather we've been having.  It's been way up in the 60s lately--I'll take it!

Hey (this is boring), I've lost about 5 lbs. in the four weeks since I've been back in Las Vegas.  God knows I don't have the willpower to diet or give up dark beer, but right now my life is structured in a way that's conducive to losing weight.  Mike and I both work at home, and every day at "lunch" (which is 9 a.m. since I follow East Coast time), we take at least a three-mile walk.  Would I walk by myself if he weren't around?  Hell, no.  But because we both structure our day to allow for that walk, we do it together and it's actually fun.

It also helps is that I'm not eating out as much. Over the summer at my job in Albany and when I worked in my old job here, more often than not I'd have lunch with co-workers in a restaurant or pizza place.  Big portions, lots of calories, right?  Now I'll have some cereal in the morning (how I love Trader Joe's Organic Morning Light!), a little snack around noon, and usually I make an early dinner around 4:00.  I think that's better than eating a heavy meal later at night.  
Okay, that was boring shit, but here's the part you should pay attention to:  your ability to achieve your goals depends a great deal on how your life is structured.  I really believe that.  Energy follows the path of least resistance, right?  So when you set up your schedule or structure conditions in your life in a way that facilitates the attainment of your goals, you're just about guaranteed to realize them.

As I write this, I'm wondering how the hell I'm going to prevent gaining every friggin' ounce back during the two-and-a-half weeks I'm in Albany.  My structure is going to be way different--it'll be too cold to walk and I'll be back having lunch with my work buds in the office-- and all the holiday social gatherings are going to be full of temptation.  I gotta figure this out.  I might just have to start again after the new year.

Yep, a new year is approaching, and I have a million things I want to achieve.  You, too?  Structure is going to be really important.

My love/hate relationship with performing stand-up comedy

I’ve mentioned my love/hate relationship with performing stand-up comedy many times. I love it when all the conditions line up perfectly: when the room has no bleed-in noise from the bar, the sound system is good, the host is professional, when I’m not the tenth comic up performing to an exhausted crowd, when my nerves are in check and I’m not consumed with stage fright, when I don’t feel fat and have a acceptable hair day, when the moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars… you get it.

Of course, rarely do those conditions unfold just so, which is why I’ve said a million times that I really don’t enjoy doing stand-up. So why do I do it? Why put myself through that?

One reason is because I usually do pretty well. Every comic has off nights, and I’ve certainly done more than one set that seemed like the longest 5-15 minutes of my life. But overall, I do okay. If nothing else, I always feel my material is solid; I'm a good writer.

My set Thursday night at the all female G-Spot comedy show went well, which is a miracle because I was in a miserable mood. Before the show, I was backstage with the three other comics. One, my beautiful friend, Dareece, is relatively new to the scene; she’s been performing less than a year. The other two gals, Lynn and Shelley, have been around for a while. They’re both from New York and have a super confident, brash, and in-your-face style reminiscent of Joan Rivers. Shelley laughed about how she performs her material to anyone who’ll listen, including fellow riders on the bus. Lynn beamed as she told us how much fun she has performing and that she can never wait to get up on stage.

My blotchy neck and I sat over to the side, and as I nervously went over my set list for the umpteenth time, I felt like a person who hasn’t surfaced in ages: I felt like little Linda Haber, the 10-year-old shy and quiet bookworm of my childhood, studying her notes before an exam.

As anyone in Albany can tell you, little Linda Haber was not particularly funny. And there I was, about to present myself on stage in front of a room of people for no other purpose than to make them laugh. Out loud.

Why aren’t I more like Lynn and Shelley? I thought. When am I ever going to actually enjoy doing this? What’s the matter with me?

It was weird feeling like that, and I really wanted to run off and forget about doing comedy forever. But I couldn’t; I had to go on and act as if I were enjoying myself. And so I did.

My set went smoothly and my new material was well received. And as I watched Lynne’s and Shelly’s performances, I realized that yes, I have an entirely different style than theirs. I’m more subdued, but there’s nothing wrong with that. There's no one "right" style to do comedy; look at the differences between Lewis Black and Stephen Wright.  Or Joan Rivers and Rita Rudner.

Furthermore, it would be wrong of me to try to mimic Lynn’s and Shelley’s style; that’s not the authentic me.  And while “acting as if” is a great technique to psyche yourself up, you have to balance it with authenticity. The further you are from being the most authentic version of yourself, the harder life becomes—no matter what you’re trying to do.

I learn something every time I get on stage. That’s why I have to keep performing, and in time, maybe I’ll even start to enjoy it.

Thursday odds and ends

Random stuff for today... no real theme.

First, Happy Chanukah to all my Jewish friends. 

(Okay, not the best image.)

As you know, I'm a big fan of the Jews.  Big fan.  And evidently, so is my mother.  Yesterday I saw a comment Mom made on Facebook in response to my quirky lesbian aunt Joyce's post announcing she bought a new car--it said "Mazel Tov!"  Well, at least I know where I get my wanna-be-Jewness from.

You know who I bet doesn't love Jews?  Walt Kowalski.  That's Clint Eastwood's racist character in the 2008 movie, Gran Torino.  Mike and I watched that Tuesday night, and I can't believe how much I dug that film.  We were more than just a little surprised at how funny it was.  You kind of feel bad for laughing (especially at this one racist as hell "Three guys walk into a bar" joke), but Walt's character is so well developed that you can see what a good man he actually is.  Really, I was blown away by this movie.  I have a hard time watching violence--and I did have to hide my eyes at one point--but man, this is a gem.  I highly recommend it, but if you're like super politically correct (then what the eff are you doing here?) you might find it offensive.

Next, here's a beauty tip:  Want a lip color that lasts forever and doesn't make a friggin' mess of your coffee cup, boyfriend, or whatever else you've got your lips all over that's totally not my business?  Try Revlon ColorStay Ultimate liquid lipstick.  You know me--I don't get the mail without putting lipstick on first. This is a great product.

What else...

Oh, yesterday I heard from a woman whose resume I did.  She said Tuesday night she responded to some postings on http://www.indeed.com/, and on Wednesday she was already in salary negotiations with a potential employer.  You know I'm full of myself, but I do know how to create a kick-ass resume.  Email me at linda@bastardhusband.com if you want me to work my magic on yours.

And finally, don't forget I'm doing a set tonight at 8:00 at Choices Pub, 6720 W Cheyenne here in Las Vegas.  Stop by if your parents let you go out on a school night.  I'm going to be trying out some new material--hopefully it won't suck.  Fingers crossed.

A great place to visit in L.A. where you're only six feet away from the stars!

So, last weekend's trip to L.A.

Have you ever been?  For the longest time I resisted, thinking I'd be the fattest, oldest, ugliest person there.  Seriously people, I'm a solid size 8--I thought for sure I'd be publicly stoned for presenting myself as such an atrocity. 

Oh, pull-eeese.  It's nothing like that at all.  I've been there a few times now and have never felt that vibe one bit.  (I bet some people wonder the same about Las Vegas--believe me, I don't think it's at all pretentious.)  L.A. is a blast! As I mentioned in my last post, my friend Nina is a tour guide, so she knows all the in's and out's. 

Nina lives in a high-rise apartment on Wilshire Blvd. with 24/7 valet service--swanky, eh?  

It's in the Westwook section, where UCLA is located.  Westwood is cool, with lots of shops and restaurants, and she's also a short drive to Beverly Hills, Santa Monica, and the beach.

Last time I was there (pre-blog, unfortunately), Nina showed me all the stars' houses in Beverly Hills, Bel-Air, and the Hollywood Hills.  That was so much fun.  This time, she again took me to a place right in her neighborhood where the stars hang out.  Kind of.

Yep, we did a little tour of the Pierce Bros. Westwood Memorial Park.  It's exactly like the Coon Dog Cemetery I've been bragging about in northwest Alabama, except instead of coon dogs, it's full of famous people.

Look, there's Archie Bunker!

Nice that the Odd Couple are together for eternity...

What's Jack Lemmon in these days? Oh, the ground.

(Side note: I know Tony Randall's dead, but wouldn't Jack Klugman make a perfect "Dead or Alive" question? I vote alive.)

A lot of people had funny stuff etched on their tombstones.

Hey, guess who Merv's next door neighbor is?

(Sniff.) Nothing funny there.  But if I were Farrah, I'd have "God damn you, Michael Jackson, for dying on the same day and stealing all the grief that should have been mine."

Lots of other people you know are there.

Marilyn's not in the ground; she's in a drawer in a wall, just like Dean Martin.  I also saw the final resting places of Natalie Wood, Bob Crane, and so many more.

I thought this one was funny...

If you're like me, you're wondering who the eff is David Moran of Beloit, WI?  (And did he ever hear of using commas?)  I have no idea.  I even tried looking for him on Find a Grave.com. This is a super cool site that you'll want to browse for the rest of your work day. 

The only thing is, I'm pissed about who I didn't know was there before I went.  Like I totally missed out seeing the graves of Roy Orbison, Jim Backus (a.k.a. Thurston Howell III), Sebastian Cabot and Brian Keith, Frank Zappa, and Jonathan Harris--freakin' Dr. Zachary Smith of Lost in Space. "Oh, the pain..."

I am so going back. 

(And see, that's one place where truly nobody cares that you're a size 8.)

Great weekend in L.A. and an upcoming comedy show

OMG, I had a fantastic time in L.A.!  What a fun place to visit.  As you can see, the weather was gorgeous. My friend Nina (the real-life "Mona" in my book) is an L.A. native and works as an actual tour guide schlepping tourists around, so she knows all the hot spots.  I took this of her on Rodeo Drive.

I'll tell you more in Tuesday's post, I promise.  It was a blast.

In the meantime, I want to let those of you in Las Vegas know that I'll be doing a set as part of an all-female comics' showcase Thursday night at 8:00 at Choices Pub, located at 6720 West Cheyenne.  I've never been part of an all-girl show (schwing!), so I'm really looking forward to this. 

If you're in town and can go out on a school night, be sure to check it out!

Happy Thanksgiving!

If you've been following my blog for a while, you know I'm not big on Thanksgiving (and even less big on Christmas, which is a post for another time).   Don't get me wrong--I'm aware during most of my conscious moments how lucky I am.  I'm thankful every day--period. You know how people refer to New Year's Eve as "amateur night"?  That's how I feel about Thanksgiving. Plus all that food makes me nervous. 

Damn, I'm such a Scrooge.  But I really do hope you've all enjoyed the holiday!

Thanksgiving time in Las Vegas

I'm not going to be able to post on Saturday; I'm driving to L.A. tomorrow and will return on Sunday.  I'm going to visit my friend Nina--the "Mona" character in my book.  Hopefully I'll get a chance to post something Sunday night. You know me--I can't get enough of the road.

Enjoy your long weekend!

When life is good, is it less interesting?

Remember I told you about my daughter, Courtney, and her "30 Days of Happiness" project on Facebook?  Check out Day 18:

Isn't it fun to play with your shadow? I think so, and the house made the perfect pallet. I stood there for about 15 minutes playing with my shadow and imagination. I was in my own little Courtney land and I created a story in my head and acted it out with my shadow. I feel as if I have... been in a creative slump lately as far as my music goes, but this little imaginative, mental escape gave me an idea for a new song! Wow, what 15 minutes of carefree, imaginative alone time can do! I'm going to reserve that time for myself every day! How refreshing.

Oh, how I need to do something like this!  I've been in a super creative slump lately--aside from cheeky little tidbits on Facebook, I feel it's been ages since I've said or written anything funny. Or meaningful.  Maybe it's because, like Courtney with her beautiful new baby, in recent months I've been really happy.

Which begs the question, does contentment stifle creativity? 

Sometimes I wonder.  Hell, I wrote Bastard Husband: A Love Story during the most depressed time of my life and it's definitely the most creative and well-crafted piece of work I've ever done.  When times are tough, we have to cope somehow, and our creative juices provide a soothing and productive outlet.  But when life rolls along perfectly, we just roll along and enjoy it.  There's no need to make sense of things through literary expression, or in Courtney's case, by writing a song.

When I wrote my book I was "so miserable even Jesus would cross the street if he'd seen me coming," but it's also the funniest thing I've ever written.  God knows I'm friggin' full of myself, but I still crack myself up when I read some parts.  During that same bleak time, I also started doing stand-up comedy.  That's because without things going wrong, nothing would be funny. 

So when life is good, is it less interesting?  

People often ask about my next book.  I'm still working on my How Am I Normal? anthology, but that will be a collection of essays by other writers. As far as my own work goes, part of me hopes my life will be sailing along so well I'll have nothing interesting to write about. 

No, I'll find something.

Why I rescheduled my flight for Christmas a few days earlier

I'm a "Glamour Don't," but even I wouldn't wear these

I'm the first to admit I know nothing about fashion.  As you know, I can spend fifty bucks in Ross Dress-for-Less and be all set for the season.  And most of the time, I think I look totally hot.

I have one fashion rule:  I wear whatever makes me look the thinnest. And from age 15 to 35--when I actually was thin--I wore Danskins literally every day.  Remember Danskins?  They weren't just for ballet class; I wore them with Levis, skirts, overalls (wince)... I had them in long sleeves, short sleeves, tank tops, scoop necks, turtle necks, V-necks... and in every color imaginable. 

And I'm talking real Danskins--the kind with no snaps at the crotch, not bodysuits.  It was an art form pulling a Danskin over to pee, right? And a source of frustration for the boyfriends; Danskins were the next best thing to keeping the goods under lock and key.

Okay, so who am I to talk about fashion?  But every once in a while, I see a trend that's just plain wrong.  Have you been in a shoe store lately? Have you seen all the open-toe winter shoes and boots?  Yes, open-toe boots!  They might work in Phoenix and Southern California, where the winters never get below 60 degrees, but for the rest of the country, I'm like WTF?  Seriously, what is the freakin' purpose?  If it's cold enough to wear boots, then why would the toe be open?  What am I missing, people?

This is the stupidest trend since those freakin' half sweaters they tried to push on us a couple of years ago.

Just.say.no.

Are you with me on this?

The daily walk through our 'hood and Las Vegas: its future isn't what it used to be

Oh, how I love the Vegas sunshine!  As I mentioned before, every morning at 9:00 Mike and I walk three and a half miles through the neighborhood.  I'll take you along with us...

Here's what 90 percent of the neighborhoods in Las Vegas look like. Not too exciting, but thanks to the (sometimes dreaded) home owners' associations, they're well kept.  Especially where we are in the Green Valley area.

I never get sick of seeing palm trees--they make me feel like I'm on vacation.  This is an intersection we pass near Green Valley Ranch casino. 

If I didn't have to get back to work, I'd be trying to talk Mike into breakfast at the Original Pancake House in there. If anything can send you into a diabetic coma in no time, it's their delicious chocolate crepes!

Sometimes, not often, the Strip gets a little smoggy.  A good wind will take care of that.

This is a typical scene: an empty lot that was once a twinkle of prosperity in someone's eye. My guess is, it will still look like this several years from now.

Unfortunately, this is what a lot of strip malls around here look like these days--half empty.

Las Vegas is hurting, people.  From what I hear, the Strip is still hanging in there, but the impact of the Vegas economy is really felt in the locals' quality of life.  The locals' casinos have cut way back on offering live music, my favorite casino cafe was replaced with a Denny's, and grocery stores that were once open 24/7 now close at 11 p.m.  Even my favorite biker bar, the Pioneer Saloon down in Goodsprings, had a single guy playing a guitar because they can no longer afford to pay an entire band.

Some of my friends, like Hurricane Mikey, have left; others are leaving soon.  A few would like to leave, but are tied to their houses or some other aspect of life here.  Even I wonder sometimes, is the bloom off my beautiful Vegas rose?