Stage fright, you're my bitch

As I've mentioned before, my stage fright is pretty much under control and I've finally reached the point where I actually have fun doing stand-up.  Yay--after all, hobbies are meant to be enjoyed, right?

I had a ball Thursday night at the open mic at Savannah's in downtown Albany.  It was almost going to suck--I got there just a few minutes after the sign-up time and all the slots were already filled.  Fortunately, Russ, the guy running the stage, recognized me from other stages in town and let me close the show.  If I bumped any other comics, thank you for giving up your time.

A ton of people came to see me, so it's good that I was able to perform.  But as I was standing there watching the other comics, a bit of my old pal stage fright resurfaced.  At one point during the show, Russ said something like, "We have a very special guest performing" and I was like, yikes, don't build me up too much--I don't want to disappoint everybody. 

But the root cause of my anxiety was the fact that there were so many people I know in the audience.  My son, my first ex and a bunch of his friends, my roommate from college and some other Plattsburgh State friends, my sister Lori's biker buddies... It's much easier to perform to a room full of strangers than people you actually know, especially those who've known you for years.  And especially because--I've told you this before--so many people, when they learn I've been doing stand-up, say, "Gee, I never remember you as being that funny."  It's one thing to move to the other side of the country and reinvent yourself, but quite another to present the "new you" in a place you lived for the first 43 years of your life.

The nature of performing--no matter what kind of performing you do--is that sometimes you're just gonna have an off night.  You can't hit it out of the park every time at bat, you just can't.  With 18 people in the audience who came explicitly to see me, I wanted to do well; that's why the stage fright resurfaced.  But as I stood in the back of the room waiting for my turn to go up, I silently chanted my new mantra, "Stage fright, you're my bitch."

I hit it out of the park.  Russ was kind enough to give me a great intro and I flew with it from there.  Coming off stage to everyone's accolades, especially from the folks I didn't know, was a real high.  I sold a bunch of books, too, which was great. It turned out to be a really fun night and I was glad to be the impetus for a gathering of so many people, some of whom hadn't seen each other in years.

Lori's biker friend Mick and me

The lesson here is that you just have to plow through the fear, people.  It's taken me long enough to realize that, and it's much more easily said than done, but it's true.  Make fear your bitch.

This is funny.  You know how I telecommute from Las Vegas, but work in the office when I'm back in Albany?  Well, Thursday afternoon I was reviewing my set list in my cubicle and then after work met my friends for a drink.  I was a bit unnerved when I arrived at the pub because I was afraid I'd lost my set list somewhere in the office.  I thought I forgot it on my desk, but when I went back for it, it was gone.  I imagined someone coming across a crumpled piece of paper with a list that reads

1.  Breasts
2.  Fart shirt
3.  Dating
4.  Periods
5.  Blow jobs

... as well as the supporting details.  We all had a great laugh about it--hell, my contract is over at the end of the month anyway--but fortunately, I did, in fact, put the list in a separate compartment in my pocketbook. (As you can see, my humor is extremely highbrow.)

Anyway, I have just two nights left in Albany and then I fly back to Vegas on Monday.  It's been a great trip and yesterday the sun finally came out, so that was nice, too.  Hope you're all enjoying your weekend!

Crazy, insane, cuckoo... but having a great time

Can you believe I missed Tuesday's post?  I was sitting in the office, totally thinking it was Monday... Yikes, I'm losing it.  I've been crazy busy since the end of July when my sister Lori came for a visit.  The week after she left we started moving--which was a production and a half--and before we got the last picture hung, Connor came to visit and now here I am in Albany until next Monday.  Tonight I'm doing a set at the open mic at Savannah's, which will be fun.

So it's all good. I'm not complaining; I just need some downtime.  It's the natural ebb and flow of the universe.  I'm just ready for a little ebb time.

Anyway, I'm having great fun here in Albany.  Of course, I haven't seen the freakin' sun since I've been here.  Last April it rained for 12 straight days while I was here and then the sun came out as I was boarding the plane.  Lovely. 

But who cares about the stinkin' weather?  Lori had a family gathering at her house on Sunday and I was so, so happy to see everyone.  How about this beautiful baby?  Hazel is getting so big!

She has the face of an angel, if I do say so myself.  And that hair!  Orange ringlets and bright blue eyes--what a combo. And she's still the most. serious. baby. ever.

Here's my beautiful Courtney.  She and her three friends are doing their 50-mile walk for MS this weekend, and she asked me to say thanks again to those of you who contributed to the cause.  And I'll say thank you again, too.

Court's been training for the walk, and man, she looks fantastic.  She was slender to begin with, but all that walking is sure paying off.  I can't wait to get back to "reality" and get in the walking groove again.  Mike and I were doing so well, and then it all hits the fan...

On Monday a bunch of us went up to the track at Saratoga.

With the rain, a few of the longshots came in, but no big winners in this bunch.  (Well, we're winners, just not when it comes to horse racing.)

Mom  couldn't get over how tall Connor is getting.  He's towering over her!  (Lori's bending over a little, but he'll be catching up to her soon.)

So I've been having a great time, but busy, busy, busy.  Plus, I'm going into the office while I'm here.  I've been so spoiled by being able to work at home, but it's nice to see my work buds.  This gig is up for me at the end of the month, so that's one more thing I've been doing--conducting a job search.  I've already had a couple of good bites on some resumes I've sent out, and despite the lousy economy--and the even more dismal Las Vegas economy--I have a feeling I'll land something fairly soon.  Anybody want to hire a kick-ass corporate trainer/technical writer?  Oh, forget it... you guys know me too well.

Thanks to everyone for your patience and for continuing to read my crap.  I'll be back to my regular self, well, probably never.

OMG!

With the holiday, I totally forgot today is Tuesday.  I'll post later!

Quick trip to Zion and Bryce

Earlier this week, my boy Connor and I took a quick little trip up to Utah to check out some national parks.  If you've read my book, or even the excerpt "A Glimpse of Life in Utah," you know that BH and I briefly lived in Cedar City--an experience that I, um, don't ever need to have again.  But Utah is a beautiful state and the one good thing about living there was that the hiking was incredible.  How lucky we were to have two national parks within just a short distance.

Anyway, Mike's kids started school last Monday, so I took a couple of days off from work for some Granny-Connor bonding time and thought, hey, let's do a road trip to Zion and Byrce Canyon. 

Usually when I visit Zion, I stay at the Desert Pearl Inn, which I wholeheartedly recommend.  This time, though, their rates were a little more pricey than what I felt like spending ($142/night) so I thought, what the hell, let's try a new place.  The Majestic View Lodge caught my eye online, and for $129 we got two beds and a balcony with a view.

The decor was rustic and actually looked like the pictures they posted online.

I can recommend this lodge as well.  It was spotless and they double-sheet the beds, which is always a major plus in my opinion.  (If hotels did that more often and advertised it on their marquee, they'd always get my business, and God knows I do sleep around.)

The only thing a little on the different side was the toilet.  This video doesn't do it justice.


Connor warned me about the loud flush, and I totally thought he was exaggerating.  But then when I flushed it myself, it scared the crap out of me, even after having been warned.  But that's no big deal, and the fact that they have a brew pub on site more than makes up for it, if you know what I mean. 

Speaking of scaring the crap out of us, not too long after we exited the tunnel in Zion National Park, something pummelled our car.  You know how in a split second a million thoughts go through your head?  Well I thought, oh great, now I have to buy a new windshield.  Connor and I thought we got hit by a giant glob of bird shit. I immediately put on the windshield wipers and it was gone in one swipe.  We couldn't believe how much noise it made!  But upon closer inspection, it looks like the hood of my car was hit by a flying red rock, which left a good sized dent.  I don't know what the hell hit my windshield--maybe a piece of the rock?  At any rate, it's a good thing I wasn't going a nanosecond faster or it would have hit the windshield right where Connor was sitting.  Yikes.

Here's a pic of Connor just before all the drama.

Zion is beautiful, though.  Since we were pressed for time, we decided to just do a drive-through and then headed up to Bryce, where we did a gorgeous hike on the Navajo Loop.

Isn't my boy getting big?  I'd say he's getting so old looking, but if he ever told me that, I'd kick his ass.

Bryce is positively stunning.  If you've never been, you simply must.  You must!

We took the route home through Cedar City and I showed Connor the house where BH and I used to live.  Connor doesn't remember BH, but he had a lot of questions.  I just said, "He was a character, Connor.  He was a character."

Our old 'hood.  I could sit on my couch and look out at the red rocks.

Cedar City is a beautiful little town, but man, there's a weird energy there that creeps me out.

Connor's an excellent traveler and I love every minute I spend with that kid.  We had a ball together driving along listening to Weird Al's parodies (insert weak but loving smile) and watching Family Guy episodes on my iPhone.  I've talked before about the importance of travel and how a trip not only gives you lasting memories, but a wonderful opportunity to bond.  Connor is always going to remember this little getaway, as well as our trip with Mike and the kids last weekend to California.  Travel with your kids, people, even if you don't think you can afford it.  There are cheap ways to do it, and it's one of the few things that's perfectly okay to charge if you have to as long as you don't go crazy.  Just my opinion.

This afternoon my boy and I are taking off together again.  This time we're flying to Albany, where I'll be until September 12 when I come back to Vegas.  I haven't been back since baby Hazel's birthday last April and I can't wait to get my hands on her.  My mother is in Albany now, too, so we'll have a nice little family reunion. 

Whatever you have going on this long weekend, enjoy!

An aging nymph goes to LEGOLAND, or as David Byrne would say, "This is not my beautiful life!"

I know what you're thinking. Remember when Linda was a hip swinging single writing about her adventures making the scene in Las Vegas?

Yep, it's come to this, people.  LEGOLAND.  Mike has long been threatening a trip to Disneyland, but I said no freakin' way.  I can't stand that Disney shit and besides, I hear the place is full of birds.  But I softened on LEGOLAND and so last Friday afternoon we packed up and began our journey toward San Diego with his two kids and my grandson in the back seat. Connor's iPad kept the boys entertained the whole way while the little one watched Netflix on my iPhone.  All were wearing ear buds--thank you, sweet baby Jesus.  Anticipating the 5-hour trip, all I could think of was a comic friend's line that he asks a girl on a first date:  "Does this smell like chloroform?"

Thankfully, the drive was relatively quick and painless.  We found our hotel no problem and it was a gem; we got a two-bedroom suite at the Marriott Townplace Suites in Vista.  Marriotts are always of consistently high quality.  This one offered a continental breakfast and a complimentary shuttle to the park, so it worked out really well.  I highly recommend.

LEGOLAND is in Carlsbad, CA, and we woke up to some perfect southern California weather.  But during the shuttle ride my sunny mood darkened when I realized, This place is gonna be full of kids.  You'd think I might have put that together beforehand, huh? Of course I love the children in my immediate circle, but how many times do I have to tell you I have the patience of John McEnroe in five o'clock traffic? Not exactly a kid person.

We walked through the aquarium when we first arrived at LEGOLAND.  Overall it was pretty uneventful.  Our first stop once we got into the actual LEGOLAND park was Miniland USA, which I actually dug.  There were all these reproductions of areas of the U.S., all constructed with LEGO bricks.  Like my reader Jazzy Cazy, I am fascinated by miniature replicas.

I posted a few of Las Vegas earlier this week  Check out this one of the Venetian.

In addition to the New York, New York casino in Las Vegas, they also built a mini Manhattan.

 

Here we are in New England.

 I absolutely loved LEGO New Orleans.  Check out this Mardi Gras parade!

How freakin' cool is that?  I took a million pictures of these little places.

Unfortunately, the most interesting part was over in the first half hour and I spent most of the next 7 hours waiting for Mike and the kids to go on rides. 

 

There was a 45-minute wait for some of those rides, which gave me plenty of time to think.  At one point, I was sitting next to a row of about seven empty baby strollers parked against a wall and thought, man, I remember when I used to hang out in places with a row of Harley Davidsons parked outside.  Wasn't it just last month that I was dancing on the bar at Hogs and Heifers?  Has it really come to this? 

The people watching was interesting.  As the kids romped in the water, Mike and I observed the families that walked by.  Almost without fail, the mother led the way, pushing a stroller with another kid at her side as the dad dutifully followed along a few paces behind, wistfully remembering the days when he'd spend a weekend afternoon watching the game and drinking beer with the guys.  Back when he still had some testosterone flowing through him.

Our kids had a ball, though.  There's plenty to keep them busy.  Here's Connor climbing a rock wall.

He's gotten so big since I last saw him in April.  And I gotta say--the only thing worse than having a kid screech, "GRAAAANNNNNY!" in a crowd of people is hearing that from a really tall kid whose voice is changing.  (How many times do I have to tell you, it's "Aunt Linda" in public, sweetheart?)

LEGOLAND really is a beautiful park--it's very well maintained and there are hardly any birds.  At one point while the gang was in line for a ride I ducked into a cafe and serendipitously asked the cashier where I could get a beer.  I figured there had to be some kind of saloon somewhere, but alas, there is no alcohol in LEGOLAND.  So if there was one place for improvement...

The next day we stopped at Carlsbad Beach before hitting the road back home.  Again, it was a gorgeous day.

The kids were equally awesome on the drive home.  It's great that they all get along so well. 

So I survived LEGOLAND and 10 hours of driving with three kids.  I'm as surprised as you are.  Mike still wants me to go to Disneyland, but I said there's no freakin' way.  I'll make the arrangements and do all the navigation, but I'll be at the hotel poolside with a cocktail while they visit Mickey and his friends.  Yep, that's where you'll find me.

Hurricane Irene devastates the Albany area

But first, that’s right, folks. We were at LEGOLAND in Carlsbad, California, last weekend. I had a great time (in a “What the eff has my life come to?” sort of way) and I’m working on a funny post that you’re sure to love. But right now there’s something more timely to talk about, and that’s the flooding from Hurricane Irene in upstate New York.

Everyone was worried about what the storm would do to New York City, but the downstate area pretty much got off the hook. Upstate, however, is ravaged, especially around Albany and the Catskills, where one town got over a foot of rain.

For those of you not up on your New York State geography, my hometown of Albany is 150 miles due north of Manhattan on the west bank of the Hudson River, just south of where the Mohawk River meets the Hudson. Some trees were knocked down during the storm last weekend, but the real damage came—and is still coming—from the resulting floods.

This is a popular drive-up restaurant on the banks of the Mohawk River in Scotia, NY, not too far from the company I telecommute for. I ate here several times on my lunch hour when I was back East last summer.

And here’s how it looked yesterday.

Flooding has to be the worst. What a mess.

My family is fine, thank God. My daughter, Courtney, had the closest call. She and her family live in a rural area outside of Albany that was hit very hard because there are several creeks running through there. Her front and back yards were flooded, as was their barn. They evacuated Sunday night, but thankfully, they returned Monday morning to find their house untouched.

Not far from Courtney, a woman was swept to her death by the raging Onesquethaw Creek as she prepared to leave her home to seek shelter at the local elementary school. According to this article, she was last seen leaving her house and “like that, she was gone.”  So sad.

My son and his girlfriend expect to close on a house in that area sometime this week. Fortunately, their place is on higher ground. I guess the good news is, they know it can withstand both a flood and an earthquake. Yep, Albany felt the quake centered in Virginia last week—my company and several other offices even evacuated.

What the hell, huh?

You know, when we hear of these natural disasters, it’s human nature to get a little charged up. The folks are The Weather Channel get positively giddy, don’t they? In a sick way, we’re even a wee bit disappointed when things peter out and the devastation doesn’t quite live up to the hype of the predictions. But man, we tend to forget how serious these events are and how they can change people’s lives, sometimes in a way where they’ll never be the same.

I always say that if you wake up in the morning, can see yourself in the mirror and can take a proper piss and shit… well, right there you have nothing to complain about. It’s already a great day.

I know I have a lot of readers who’ve been affected by not only this storm, but by those crazy tornadoes early this summer. My heart goes out to all of you. Stay safe.

Where in the world was I last weekend?

I know.  I completely missed my Saturday post.  I hate that I did that; I really, really try to post on a regular schedule.  Between moving, working, having Connor here and taking the kids on a little trip, I completely dropped the ball.  I promise I'll write a proper post tomorrow. 

In the meantime, any guesses to where the hell I was last weekend?  (Or was I right here in Las Vegas?)

What were you in a previous life?

There’s a question for you. The topic came up the other night as Mike and I were working on the house. He’s convinced he’s had a previous life in the Excalibur era. (How else would you explain all the swords and shields?) As for me, this is what I wrote in my book:

I’d been drawn to the West my whole life; as a kid my imaginary friends were cowboys and sheriffs. I often told people, proudly and with absolute certainty, that in a former life I was a saloon girl. It made total sense, given my childhood obsession with Bonanza and my comfort level as an adult in the tavern environment. Not to mention my passion for lipstick. Then a couple of years ago someone took me aside and told me, to my surprise, that those women were prostitutes. Although I remain quite certain of that past life, I now keep the admission to myself.

It sounds weird, but I really do believe I've lived before in the Wild West. When I arrived in Wyoming ten years ago, I had a definitely sense of being home.  Oh, Wyoming--I will visit you again someday, I swear.  I also wouldn’t be surprised if I were a Salem witch. Just a feeling; that probably ties in somehow with my fear of organized religion.

Ever wonder about those people who participate in Renaissance fairs (something Mike used to do) (!) and Civil War re-enactments?  I’ll be honest with you—I’ve always thought those folks are a bit… different. But maybe people who are comfortable in another era aren’t really oddballs; maybe they feel that way because of a familiarity with a past life. Dressing up in those clothes, speaking that way, and reliving battles… maybe it’s all stuff they’ve done before.

What do you think? Do you feel you’ve experienced past lives? What were you before you were you?

Welcome to my world

Last night we were up till freakin' 2 o'clock in the morning arranging the formal living room.  And I do mean formal, people.  Remember last Thursday's post when I told you about the very significant differences in Mike's and my taste in home decor?  Southwest meets medieval Gothic?  Well, here's a glimpse of how one room came together.

I call this the "I'm sorry for your loss corner."  Just position a pleasantly somber man in a suit nearby and replace the kids' pictures with a sign-in book and we've got a scene straight from Six Feet Under.

My contribution to this corner is the Southwest hand.  Mike had to settle for a baby grand piano only because he couldn't find an operational harpsichord.

"Gomez, darling, would you light the candelabra?"

We had to rub my fake dog Stiff's nose in his fake poop for this one.  Really, Stiff?  Next to Joan of Arc?

Somehow it all comes together.  I keep telling Mike we need some color in here, but he insists that beige is a color.

And now for something completely different...

The guest room, designed by Linda Lou and Mike's 6-year-old daughter.  (His kids call this "the cool room."  Duh.)  Yeah, that's a shag area rug.  Yeah, that's a papasan chair.  Yeah, that's a blow-up bed.  You can't see my collection of crystals from this angle, but they're there.  Okay, maybe I'm a little stuck in the 70s, but at least it's the 1970s, not the 70s of the fifteenth century.

Mike is a saint, I tell you.  I tease him about his taste, but God knows it's classier than mine.

My grandson Connor will be sleeping there tonight--yay!  He arrives at 4:10 today.  I cannot wait.  Good thing his biological clock will be set three time zones ahead of ours--I think it's going to be an early night.  I'm exhausted!

House is coming along... and a celebrity look-alike

I am so diggin' this new house of ours.  How could I not?  We still have so much to set up, but it's coming along, slowly but surely.  The master bedroom is just about done; Mike just has to hook up the TV and we're pretty much good to go.

We've been able to blend our contrasting tastes in decor quite well.  Mike's pictures are above the bed and to the right of the bed; they're of old-timey guys on horses with their hunting dogs (how masculine).  The pictures above the couch and the dresser are mine; they're of Bell Rock in Sedona and tepees.  Somehow it all comes together.

On the other side of the couch is a sliding glass door to a balcony. Mike put a little refrigerator out there, which is stocked with dark beer and Two Buck Chucks from Trader Joe's.  This is the view looking toward the mountains.

And here I'm looking at the Strip.

Pretty cool.  Nothing can compare to the view I had at Linda Land, but you're not going to hear me complain--I can't believe I wake up here every day! 

Like I said, we still have a shitload of stuff to do, and I really want to get almost all of it done before my grandson Connor arrives on Tuesday.  He'll be here until September 3, and then I'm going back with him to spend some time in Albany.  I haven't seen little Hazel since April--I miss her so much! 

Hey, speaking of Connor... There's a teen idol kid named Grayson Chance who I swear is a dead ringer for my boy.  You may have seen him on Ellen a couple of times.

I can't get over it--the resemblance is really freaky.  Love that Connor's shirt is folded over so it says "Proud to be Awesone."  Grayson Chance wishes he were that awesone!

Hope you're all having a great weekend!  Now back to work for me...