This morning I'm live from Lamesa, Texas, which is very close to the New Mexico border. Although Lamesa is a tiny town, there's a beautiful Best Western here. And thank God--our motel last night had sheets that were literally threadbare. As much as I love a beautiful hotel, crappy motels give me the creeps.
So yesterday we drove clear across Texas, which is miles and miles of this:
As Pee Wee Herman would say, "Scream all you want, we're miles from where anyone can hear you!"
Of course, we made a couple of stops along the way. Who wouldn't go 10 miles out of their way to see the world's largest cedar rocking chair?
Lipan, Texas
When we saw there was an Albany, Texas, you know we had to check it out! The sign said this Albany had a population of 1921. And it's in a dry county.
Albany had a lot of cute little shops. We've driven through so many tiny towns in Texas and Mississippi that were all but completely boarded up. Some looked like ghost towns; you have to wonder how the people who remain can get by. Really, the poverty is striking.
And I have the nerve to complain about threadbare sheets...
Quick post before we hit the road this morning. I still have to tell you about our experience at the incredible Rattlesnake Saloon, but in the meantime, here are some pictures and a video from our travels yesterday in Mississippi.
Elvis' birthplace in Tupelo.
Statue of Elvis at 13.
Guitar on the street in Tupelo.
Ground Zero Blues Club in Clarksdale.
Morgan Freeman's restaurant, Madidi, also in Clarksdale. Believe me, this is the ONLY building in town that looks this good. It's a very depressed place. I can't for the life of me image how any of the locals can afford to eat there--check out the menu--and although it's home of the Delta Blues Museum, I can't imagine they have a huge draw of tourists.
We had to go to McDonald's to find a place to sit down and get a coffee--no such place downtown. Just a lot of run down and vacant buildings.
I have to wonder, who's paying $27 for salmon grenobloise?
One thing, though--the people EVERYWHERE in Mississippi are the nicest, most polite folks. Every interaction was a joy.
Here's a short video of a bit of our ride from Clarksdale to Vicksburg yesterday (background music by the Blackwell Sinners).
Right now I'm writing from an absolutely beautiful hotel room at the Riverwalk Casino in Vicksburg, Mississippi. You know me, I love a great hotel room, and this place is spectacular--especially since it cost only $49. Beautiful decor, flat screen TV, nice bathroom... MUCH better than the dumpy Days Inn we stayed in last night in Tupulo.
We rolled into Vickburg around 6 p.m. and it's definitely the best place we've been in Mississippi so far. But I should back up...
Okay, Sunday was our racing day at Churchill Downs, which as Mom said in the video, has nothing on beautiful Saratoga Racetrack. It was nice, and big, but I agree that Saratoga is more beautiful. Someday I want to check out Del Mar in California--I hear that's gorgeous.
Monday... seriously, who visits Helen Keller's birthplace in Tuscumbia, Alabama, twice in six months? Well, we did!
You know Lori--she just had to see her breast bust.
Lori and I loved that place--we had to show Mom. Here she is at the famous pump.
The woman doing the tour said 85 percent of the furniture is original. These are Helen's actual clothes.
It's a really awesome place. And I mean "awesome" in the way the word was originally intended.
After that, we decided to take in another famous northwest Alabama attraction, the Coon Dog Cemetery, where 185 coon dogs have been laid to rest since 1937. Only authentic coon dogs are allowed to be buried there--no pussy poodles or lap dogs. Remember, it was a coon dog that won first place in that movie, Best in Show, so there must be something special about them.
We didn't know what to expect, and believe me when I tell you it's out in the middle of freakin' nowhere. All my mother could say as we drove along these back country roads was, "I've seen Deliverance, you know." On the way we saw a sign for the Rattlesnake Saloon pointing down a cross road, but Mom was no way in hell going there, too; we were lucky to be able to drag her as far as we did.
It was definitely worth the trip, but you know me--I love those Roadside America attractions. This video gives a better sense of perspective.
As it turned out, we did convince Mom to go to the Rattlesnake Saloon, but that place deserves its own post--unbelievable. I still have much more to tell, but I'm exhausted right now. I'll try to post some more tomorrow.
Right now we're just south of Nashville. Here's a quick video from yesterday's adventure. Very fun!
Alas, we didn't get rich. But we had a great time!
Today we're heading to Alabama to return to a special place that we just have to show Mom. (Can you guess?) And then we're on to Mississippi. More to come...
It's Saturday night and I'm writing from Columbus, Ohio, birthplace of my celebrity girl-crush, Beverly d'Angelo. Surprisingly, I see no mention of a museum or shrine to her in my AAA tour book. Go figure.
The day started out pretty uneventful; if you've ever travelled the New York State Thruway, you know exactly what I mean. I got excited when I saw a sign for a rest stop with a Sbarro's outside of Syracuse--Sbarro's is my favorite fast food. Mom found a penny in the bathroom--face up--so we figured we were in for some good luck, but alas, the Sbarro's was under construction. Dammit.
Then Lori had the brilliant idea to stop at Dinosaur BBQ in downtown Syracuse. If you've ever eaten at the Dinosaur, you know that the food is yum. This was Mom's first visit and we all marvelled at the fact that we were able to drag her to a biker bar after only about two hours on the road.
We struck up a conversation with this cute Irish man sitting in the booth behind us who gave us cards with smiley faces.
Once our food came, we were more into stuffing our faces than talking. We did, however, come up for air long enough to say good-bye when our new friend got up to leave. Delicious!
After chowing down, we got out our wallets, but instead of placing a check on our table, our waitress said it was taken care of. "Mr. Coffey got it. He does that now and then."
That sneaky boy slipped out of there before we could thank him, so I'll do it now. THANK YOU, Mr. Coffey! What a wonderful and unexpected surprise. Good thing Sbarro's was closed--that lucky penny really was a sign.
We got back on the Thruway and stopped at the next rest stop for coffee and snacks and then stopped at the rest stop after that to pee. Yes, count 'em--three rest stops so far. But we forgot one thing.
Can you believe it???
Tomorrow we're heading south into Kentucky, to a place I've always wanted to visit. Stay tuned!
I'm posting today because I know I won't have a chance to post tomorrow. Yep, tomorrow--as early as we possibly can--we'll be hitting the road en route to Las Vegas. I can't wait to get to our first destination! I'll try to post every day, but it's not always easy when you're on the road. At the very least, I'll make periodic updates on Facebook, so feel free to follow me.
I'm excited out of my mind. Once I get back to Vegas I'll be starting a brand new chapter of my life and these are unchartered waters; I'll be in a situation that's entirely new to me. There's a lot of uncertainty, and I'm totally comfortable with it. It's like I'm jumping in the deep end and while I think I know how to swim, I'm about to find out just how strong a swimmer I really am. All I can say is, I'm going to do my best to make it work. I'm making a c-c-c-c-commitment. Commitment. There, I said it. Kidding--I'm psyched about it; I couldn't be happier.
Hey, I know enough about writing to know that you should always write to your audience. Today, though, I'm writing for myself. It's going to be boring as hell for you, especially the guys. But I promise things will start to get MUCH more interesting after I hit the road on Saturday. I promise!
Let me say one more time: It’s been a fantastic summer. I never liked the expression, “All good things must come to an end,” but it really is time for me to move on. Of course I’ll miss everyone, especially Connor and Baby Hazey, but I’ve already booked my flight to Albany for the holidays, so I won’t be gone too long before I’m back again.
Even though I started working three weeks after I arrived here, I feel like I’ve been on a five-month vacation. And vacations are not good for the body! You know how much weight you can gain during a one-week getaway? Imagine five months of eating and drinking and socializing and eating and drinking some more.
Since Lori and I hit the road in mid-May, I’ve hardly exercised at all except when I was in Vegas for those two weeks in September. Mike and I exercised a lot (giggity). I mean we walked three and a half miles every day. It felt great and I can’t wait to get back into that routine. My body is crying for it! I’ve never been in such crappy shape in my life; I haven’t gone this long without doing yoga since I started practicing it 13 years ago.
I know there are people out there who haven’t exercised literally in years. I can’t imagine. There really is an incredible mind-body connection, and when you’re in good shape everything in life seems to flow a little smoother. You really do have a lot more energy. Right now I feel shitty. Not achy and painy; it’s more mental than anything. I feel guilty for letting myself go. I’ve always had a pretty hot body and I’m not just saying that because you know I’m so friggin’ full of myself. Seeing this middle-aged spread in the mirror and in pictures is just so depressing.
You know how you hear about the 800-pound guy who can’t even leave the house because he can’t fit through the goddamn door and you think, “Jesus, dude, wasn’t it a wake-up call once the scale tipped 500?” I feel like this is my 500-pound wake-up call. And I’m gonna answer it.
I like to think I have a lot in the “exercise bank” from all the ballet and yoga I’ve done since I was a kid, and it probably won’t take too long before I spring back to a less disgusting state. But sometimes I wonder if it’s even possible to get in “smokin’ body” shape again; maybe it’s too late. That would suck.
I keep thinking of the line in Louis CK's show Saturday night that went something like, "You're not a good parent unless you give your your kid the finger to the back of their head. At least three times a week." And he's not talking about teenagers, either. He's talking about "the little asshole who makes everyone late because he won't put his shoes on."
Giving kids the finger to the back of their head? Can you imagine? Who would do such a thing?
A lot of us have, right? That's why he got such a huge laugh.
There's something delightfully passive-aggressive about behind-the-head finger-giving, no? I give Bastard Husband the finger behind his head on the very first page of my book. One of my friends routinely gives his boss the under-the-desk-finger. And then there's the old pointing-at-the-phone motion. Driving doesn't count; that's not behind the head.
How about you? Are you a secretive bird-flipper? (Yikes, what a horrible saying.) Who's your favorite target? Ever give your own precious angels the finger to the back of their head?
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To update you on Saturday's post, Mike called later that day so I didn't end up leaving him for Louis CK, as threatened here and on my Facebook page. (Rockin' Billy, I'm still laughing at your comment.)
Louie put on a great show, as expected. I'd seen him twice before in Las Vegas and he's a true professional. Thanks again to my brother and sister-in-law. What a fun, fun night!
I am so excited! Tonight my brother and sister-in-law are taking me to the Palace Theater to see Louis CK, one of my favorite all-time comics.
I freakin’ LOVE that guy! Aside from being funny as hell, he’s one of the most ballsy comics out there. If you caught his show on FX last summer, you know what I mean. Sometimes I can’t believe he’s going there, but he marches right along. He’s full-frontal honest and often self-deprecating, which I love.
Here’s a clip from his Shameless video. I saw this on Comedy Central a few years ago (after midnight, so it was unedited) and became a fan for life. WARNING: This is vile, disgusting, politically incorrect, and includes absolutely terrible language and mental images that will offend just about everyone on earth.
Yep, Louis CK is right up there with Larry David and Ricky Gervais as far as comedy goes, and he’s one of my major celebrity crushes. If I didn’t already have a handsome hunk of a boyfriend, Louis CK is exactly the type of guy I’d go for. I love redheads—hello, Denis Leary, Billy Mumy, and Prince Harry (even though that’s just wrong)—and I don’t give a crap if a guy is losing his hair. On top of that, Louis CK has a manly body mass index of about 30, which I consider ideal. (I like something to hold on to.) I’m not kidding, he's the perfect male specimen. (Second to Mike, of course.)
Do you ever wonder if you met your celebrity crushes in real life, if they would even like you? That’s one of the things that goes through my mind at work while I should be editing IT documentation. I can tell you right now that I would drive Denis Leary bonkers—he would be begging me to shut the F up—and I’m simply not intelligent enough for Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Billy Bob Thornton’s already had Angelina, so he’d be nothing but horribly disappointed with me.
But Louis CK… I think if he met me in real life, he would actually dig me. Like I wouldn’t drive him nuts or anything; we’d be a perfect couple. We could write comedy together and come up with scathing material about the people who annoy us, which in both of our cases, is just about everyone. I’m ten years older, but he’s said many times that he doesn’t particularly go for the young chicks. (He's single now.)
Hmmm… You know, I’ve called Mike several times in the past couple of days and he still hasn’t gotten back to me. If I don’t hear from him by tonight, would it be terribly bad of me to stalk the performer’s entrance of the Palace?
