I don’t know if Denis Leary actually is a redhead; he looks more blond, but who knows because you can definitely tell he gets his hair streaked. The thought of him sitting in the hairdresser’s chair with foil and bleaching paste all over his head kind of takes away from the macho image, so I try not to let my mind go there. I prefer to associate him with handcuffs and whipped cream.
Anyway, I’m reading his book, Why We Suck, and though parts of it are like OMG, no wonder why some people hate you, overall it’s an amusing read. He’s really not the asshole you might think he is, and you God bless him for staying with the original wife for twenty years. And though I think Rescue Me can sometimes be pretty self-indulgent—I mean, every beautiful woman wants him and lesbians are everywhere—I have to give him credit for this advice he gives to women about their looks.
“Giggles, guffaws, and shrieks of laughter last a whole lot longer than legs and other assorted things men like to look at… If you’re dating a guy who’s more interested in the size of your chest than the length of your laugh—maybe you’d better start shopping around.”It’s nice to hear that guys value a sense of humor, especially since I may have to start dating again. Beloved boyfriend Mike’s lack of regard for my time is driving me out of my fucking mind. No, there hasn’t been much progress since the Mystery Date incident last month. Okay, he was actually a few minutes early for a date a couple of weeks ago, but last Sunday he just didn't show up. No call, no nothin'. That's a deal breaker, and I’m about to check out.
But you know what? To use his own words, everything has a price. So maybe it’s not over after all. I think I've found a way to salvage our union.
Here’s the deal, honey:
I’ll need a $500 deposit for every date or meeting we schedule. If you’re 15-30 minutes late, I keep $100 of it. More than 30 minutes, I keep half. No-shows will cost you the whole $500. Want to schedule something else? That’ll be another $500.A “relationship retainer.” Do you think he'll go for it? Believe me, I'm totally worth it.
Want more than just dating? That’ll be $10,000. Yes, I’m charging you a $10,000 retainer to continue our relationship, to continue to be your girlfriend. That will be my compensation for all the aggravation; it will help pay for the blood pressure medication I'm gonna need. But don’t worry—since you always say we’ll be spending the rest of our lives together, I promise I’ll leave $10,000 to you in my will. If I go first, that is.
See, this is exactly why people always tell me I should be a life coach. Because I so many brilliant ideas.