Tuesday, September 15, 2009

TMI alert -- No boys allowed! (Period.)

Not to brag, but I haven’t had my period in like four months and believe me, I don’t miss it.  Mike would love to have another kid, but I’ve instructed God that if there’s a 1 in 3 billion chance of something happening to me, it better be a multi-state Powerball win and not one of those miraculous change-of-life conceptions. No, thank you.

I remember the day I found out about menstrual periods. I think I was about 11. My friend Donna told me all about it; her mother had given her “the talk” and since our mothers were coffee pals, my little chat was coming and Donna just wanted to give me the heads up.

Let me tell you, being a kid is all fun and games until you find out that soon you’ll be bleeding from your vagina for one week out of every four, but don’t worry—it’s only for the next 35-40 years. I’m not kidding, that news hit me out of left field.

"Jesus," I said, "one minute you’re a normal kid fantasizing over Davy Jones and then suddenly you have to deal with this fucking bullshit." Yeah, that's exactly what I said. “Maybe it won’t happen to us,” I concluded. Ever the optimist, even as a child.

Donna just shook her head. Neither of us was buying into that “Now I am a woman” crap. No, it was a sad, sad day.

As it turned out, I was right—the rag is a drag. Except for a few times in college when I was gloriously thrilled to see (and actually prayed for) the crimson wave, periods have been a major pain in the ass. Decades of bleeding? Seriously? To this day, I think it’s a design flaw. Or a sinister plot masterminded by depraved tampon manufacturers.

However, I have changed my mind about a few things since I was a little girl. Like I no longer think “Morticia” is a particularly beautiful name, and while I used to think Paul was the cutest Beatle back in the 1960s, have you seen him lately? He looks like an old lesbian. I’m not kidding—the resemblance to my Quirky Lesbian Aunt Joyce is uncanny. (And who would have thought that Ringo would end up looking so cool?)

Okay, this is bad, but did you know there’s actually a “men who look like old lesbians” website? Or maybe you’re just interested in the top 25.

Well, this post is certainly nothing to be proud of, is it?


Tara said...

Love the pic at the top and men who look like old lesbians. What an awesome Tuesday morning post! Also, good questions for Mikey, but I did have one question. Were you surprised with this boob answer from my post last week? That men like them all, real or fake, when you said the answer would obviously be real?

Comedy Goddess said...

I may just use this as The Talk to my daughter ~wink~

So true on so many levels! And the old Lesbians, what a hoot.

Rock on Ringo, you are a Starr in my world.

Suzanne said...

I. Just. Think. You. Rock.

k a b l o o e y said...

I hear you. Although I just got mine after a few months off (for the first time) and I have to say, I was kind of happy. Nostalgic, even. Also, thanks for alerting me to the fact that Cracked is still around in some form. I was a Mad fan, but also bought Cracked back in the day. (Not to mention Wacky Packages)

The men who look like old lesbians was HI-larious, especially the "Looks like" field.

Hoopswife said...

This post is a riot on many levels. After having my tubes tied after 2nd child, my periods became closer to the 2.3 weeks out of every 4 and were just a nightmare, no details needed :) Its a long story. Anywho, I had to have a hysterectomy 2 years later. BEST. DECISION. EVER. If there is a negative, its only that I cannot blame any bloating on its existence. On the other end, my barely 11 year old daughter got her period 5 days before my 40th bday. I figured it was coming, I had mine at 10, but she was better prepared mentally than I was :)

Vegas Linda Lou said...

@ Tara: We all know Mikey is not in his right mind. Almost every man I've asked prefers real boobs to the fake ones. Yours are "real and they're spectacular"--keep 'em that way!

@ Comedy Goddess: Certainly--just forward this post's link to your daughter. It's totally appropriate and she'll appreciate that you spared her that uneasy mother-daughter "becoming a woman is beautiful" bonding moment.

@ Suzanne: I love you, too. Duh.

@ kablooey: Glad you found me! Any friend of that demented broad Slacker Chick is a friend of mine!

Todd said...

You finally managed to do a post I didn't read top to bottom. I started it, I really did, but somewhere around the phrase "...you'll be bleeding from your vagaina for one week..." I took the post title to heart and moved on :-)

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

Ummm Todd...it says "no boys allowed" LOL.

I so related to this...period crap. Seriously, is it really necessary???

I hope that it's not a powerball baby on the way but if it is...I'll come to Vegas for the baby shower!

Did you and Julie have fun this weekend?

Mandy's Life After 30 said...

Do you know what I think the real cause for periods is?

To answer, let quote one of the pictured male lesbians of your post:

The Church Lady: "Oh, I don't know, could it be.... SATAN? Well, isn't that special?!

What an entertaining post! Loved it! I'm sorry that you didn't have your Judy Blume moment when your period started. I remember being totally freaked b/c I was on a syncronized swimming team and I was afraid to wear tampons (age 12) so I'd hope and pray that no blood would trickle down my leg every time I got out of the pool. Oh the fun days of anguish and adolecense. (Was that TMI for you? Somehow I suspect not! :-)

Danica said...

OMG can I tell you I haven't had one in two months (no I'm not pregnant). I hope it's on it's way out the door. I have endometriosis so my period is about to say bye bye to the world and I'm gonna say HELLO WORLD!!!

Anonymous said...

I have no idea what you were talking about in that post? IS there a link between that monthly thingy and men who look like Lesbians?

Sorry, just clueless on that post.


Vegas Linda Lou said...

@ Todd: My apologies, but don't say I didn't warn you! :)

@ Chocolate girlfriend: Julie and I haven't been able to get together yet--hopefully tonight!

@ Mandy: SATAN! You're definitely on to something.

@ Danica: Yeah, no shit. I'm telling you, it's a design flaw.

@ Ise: I thought I had a transition in there...

ModernMom said...

LOL That first pic is hilarious! Forty years UG. Agreed. Design flaw.

Ekanthapadhikan said...

Ho...ho... ha...ha... lol! That was really funny. More than the words, that pic. was a brilliant one!!!

The Peach Tart said...

The photographs are hysterical.

Anonymous said...

Nothing is too personal or sacred to print in the private/public world of Linda Lewd! What's next? Linda Lewd's trip to the gynecologist? Linda Lewd rubs herpes cream on her bunions? Linda Lewd has explosive diahrrea after another cheap steak at Ellis Island? Of course photos are always attached...

Anonymous said...

What the heck "Anonymous!" I usually MMOB and I know I'm stepping out of bounds by saying this, but why don't you just GET LOST!

Anonymous said...

Whoa, Nancy! Down, Ole Gal! Linda Lewd obviously welcomes my comments otherwise she wouldn't publish them on her blog from time to time. Note: she also doesn't wish to disable the anonymous comments section - can only conclude that my opinions are welcome.

Vegas Linda Lou said...

@ Anonymous (a.k.a. Laura/Cory): Your comments aren’t really welcome; I’m just not rejecting them right now. I'd like my readers to see for themselves what you’re all about.

Anonymous said...

Then stop printing them, Hon!

Because printing them gives them a sense of legitimacy on your blog. If you choose to print them & later call them unwanted, then by your very actions, they do serve a purpose on your blog - even a controversial difference of opinion that you may "wish for others to see what I'm all about"...

Anonymous said...

Hmmmm..."not really welcome" (what does that mean????)you say, yet

1. You decide whether to publish my comments or not
2. You choose NOT to disable anonymous comments

3. By publishing my comments & responding to them, you open up a diaglog/debate with all readers, encouraging more comments.

4. You ask for all comments from all bloggers.

See July 23 posting
"And don’t make me get mushy, but I really, really appreciate all of you stopping by to read the crap I unload here. I love you all, even my crazy stalkers who leave comments that I end up rejecting—you’re still family."

Then you print several of my responses when it suits you & makes your blog more entertaining, then you say

"Like I said--they're family."

July 24, 2009 1:49 PM

5. Plus you post topless photos of yourself & even your granny panties!

I DARE YOU so your readers can see the Real Linda Lewd!

Anonymous said...

But what about seeing what you are all about to your readers?

Why did you publish & then delete the comments made about your ex-boyfriend & him allegedly holding your manuscript hostage?

It was never a problem for him to take time out of his busy schedule to save you a ton of dough by editing your manuscript in the first place.

Funny how he was the bad guy who arrived late & didn't feel so much like being your lap dog anymore after you slammed the door in his face....

Is that who you are, Linda Lewd?

You really seem to dig "outting" those on your blog, but what about yourself????

Vegas Linda Lou said...

Okay, I think that's enough of the Laura/Cory sampling; I'll be rejecting any further comments. Unread, as usual.

Mandy said...


That was funny. I'm wondering what I will be able to blame my moody behavior on when menopause starts!


P.S. Sorry that you are still dealing with that douche-tard Laura.

Other Mikey's Julie said...

How sad it must be to go through life with so much hatred and negativity. Darn you Linda for forcing the psychos to read your blog! Darn you for showing the humorous side of even the grossest of topics. Darn you for making me spit coffee on my keyboard at least once a week!
I owe you a chocolate stout for all of the humor you bring into my day - thanks for being so honest and open whether we like it or not.

Vegas Housewife said...

I see your stalker is back. Lovely. Why cant I have a stalker? I want to be just like you when I grow up, Linda. :P

BTW, I'm still laughing at the "my crotch has been murdered" pic. And I'm totally checking out the lesbian man website. Cool.

slacker-chick said...

Whaaaaa? "that demented broad slacker-chick"? OK, I'll accept that! ;->

Re: Laura/Cory...WTF? I don't have time to read & comment on the blogs I like much less ones I don't - good grief!

Linda and her Twaddle said...

Linda Lou - I have to say your Anonymous contributor (aka Laura/Cory) is telling us more about who she/he is than anything about you.