TMI alert -- No boys allowed! (Period.)

Not to brag, but I haven’t had my period in like four months and believe me, I don’t miss it.  Mike would love to have another kid, but I’ve instructed God that if there’s a 1 in 3 billion chance of something happening to me, it better be a multi-state Powerball win and not one of those miraculous change-of-life conceptions. No, thank you.

I remember the day I found out about menstrual periods. I think I was about 11. My friend Donna told me all about it; her mother had given her “the talk” and since our mothers were coffee pals, my little chat was coming and Donna just wanted to give me the heads up.

Let me tell you, being a kid is all fun and games until you find out that soon you’ll be bleeding from your vagina for one week out of every four, but don’t worry—it’s only for the next 35-40 years. I’m not kidding, that news hit me out of left field.

"Jesus," I said, "one minute you’re a normal kid fantasizing over Davy Jones and then suddenly you have to deal with this fucking bullshit." Yeah, that's exactly what I said. “Maybe it won’t happen to us,” I concluded. Ever the optimist, even as a child.

Donna just shook her head. Neither of us was buying into that “Now I am a woman” crap. No, it was a sad, sad day.

As it turned out, I was right—the rag is a drag. Except for a few times in college when I was gloriously thrilled to see (and actually prayed for) the crimson wave, periods have been a major pain in the ass. Decades of bleeding? Seriously? To this day, I think it’s a design flaw. Or a sinister plot masterminded by depraved tampon manufacturers.

However, I have changed my mind about a few things since I was a little girl. Like I no longer think “Morticia” is a particularly beautiful name, and while I used to think Paul was the cutest Beatle back in the 1960s, have you seen him lately? He looks like an old lesbian. I’m not kidding—the resemblance to my Quirky Lesbian Aunt Joyce is uncanny. (And who would have thought that Ringo would end up looking so cool?)

Okay, this is bad, but did you know there’s actually a “men who look like old lesbians” website? Or maybe you’re just interested in the top 25.


Well, this post is certainly nothing to be proud of, is it?