Thursday, March 26, 2009

Maybe I should take the bus

I forgot to tell you—I got stopped by the cops again. This is the fourth time that’s happened in the almost six years I’ve lived here, and each time I was pulled over on the same stretch of highway within a mile or two from home.

The first time was because I started to get off at an exit and then realized it wasn’t, in fact, my exit, so I pulled a lane switcharoo that apparently wasn’t safe.

“What do you call that?” the cop asked.

Honesty is supposed to be the best policy, so I said, “I call that… ‘Not my Exit’” and then smiled and gave him a single, deliberate nod. It worked; he scolded me a bit, but let me go. That little incident inspired a line for my comedy act:

I admit I’m a shitty driver. Thank God I never get in accidents… but I hear them happening behind me.”
The next two times happened about a month apart. I was stopped each time because my registration sticker had expired. Actually my car was registered, I just forgot to put the little sticker on the plate and so both times they let me go. I know... you’d think that after the first time, I would have just put the damn sticker on, but I kept forgetting.

The second registration sticker cop pulled me over right in front of my apartment complex and that guy had a bit of an attitude. In his defense, I think he might have been following me with his lights on for miles and I just didn’t notice and that’s why he was a little exasperated. Now I point the rearview mirror out the back window, not at myself, which makes it a little more difficult to check my lipstick while I drive. Yeah, I know.

The last time I got pulled over was a few weeks ago (I think by the same cop). Traffic on the highway was all backed up and my exit was right there, and okay, I admit I kind of crossed some lines from the on ramp merging onto the highway, but what the hell? I got into my exit lane prematurely—that’s it. It’s not like I was speeding or ran a red light.

This time I got a ticket I was pissed! I so wanted to ask, "Evidently all the child molesters are in jail? All the cold case files have been solved? That's why you cops are free to pursue crappy drivers like me?" But for once in my life I kept my mouth shut.

So I’m telling my mother about getting pulled over yet again in my beloved 13-year-old Saturn with a dent on the roof. And what does she say? What kind of support does she offer?

Mom: “I bet the cop was surprised you could speak English.”
So now I have to go to court in May. The ticket says I must appear—I can’t just mail it in—and the cop said it would probably cost me about $200. Great. Now I have to find something to wear; I have no cute court outfits.

Looks like I’ll be taking another trip to Ross. I'd better take the side streets.


Anonymous said...

LOL at your mom.... and your bumper sticker idea too. You certainly have the knack to make us all laugh...

The Blue Ridge Gal

Julie D said...

I think that cop likes you. LOL Perhaps you need to keep a supply of coffee and donuts in your car to hand out to your buddies in blue.

Anonymous said...

A regular huh? I hope you find something cute to wear!

Your mom is just as funny as you! :-)

Eric said...

As a cyclist I get crazy scared when I see people driving on the shoulder like that. Sure you were on a highway, but still, what's the rush?

Debra Lynn Shelton said...

Linda, Sounds like you're the kind of driver who gives women drivers everywhere a bad name. Cut the crap and drive with some integrity! (Did you read my last post about "telling it like you see it?" Unfortunately for you, I'm testing this theory out in the "Comments" section of your blog. HAH!!!) BTW: I hope I get to see you on Sunday! (And that you won't be driving *grin*)

And, “I admit I’m a shitty driver. Thank God I never get in accidents… but I hear them happening behind me.”

Flipping hilarious!

Hurricane Mikey said...

Eric... She wasn't on the shoulder--she was cutting through the little triangle area where an on-ramp was merging onto the highway. If there are any cyclists in there, then they'll deserve what they get.

Anonymous said...

Only pulled over four times!

Stephanie said...

"I admit I'm a shitty driver...."
So so funny I laughed out loud and then read it for my hubby to enjoy! Fab.

Vegas Linda Lou said...

@ Eric: Yeah, Mikey's right about where I crossed the solid white line. No worries--I wasn't on the shoulder, and cyclists would definitely not be on that highway!

@ Russ: The thing is, I've been driving for 35 years and only once did I ever get stopped back east. Then I move to Henderson and get stopped four times in less than 6 years!

@ Debra: I bet we'll be able to swing by on Sunday. My sister Lori will be driving, thankfully! And I'm totally digging the "cut the crap" attitude.

@ everyone: I should have told the cop, "Thank GOD you didn't stop me last night when I had like, three beers in me." HAHAHA!

[5,4,3,2,1... Ready for a MADD activist to be slamming me for the drunk driving joke.]

Unknown said...

I'd guess it's the economy... they gotta make the money for the gob'ment somehow. Driving home today, I saw no less than six people pulled over before I realized that it's the end of the month.

Vegas Linda Lou said...

Mrs. VJW--a lurker no more! I'm not the only one getting pulled over, I've noticed.

Thanks for commenting and hope to hear more from you!

Bar L. said...

It was the cleavage. :)

linda said...

You sure the police were not just trying to chat you up?

Anonymous said...

Yes - it's true the economy is causing the police to write more tickets for the revenue. Now when we get pulled over, getting a warning is far less likely. But I suppose if they are going to spend their time pulling motorists over all day, it would be a waste of money not to be writing the tickets. How sad is that?
I had to laugh at your mom's comment because with all of the talk lately about your car - my first thought was that it is because you are driving a "PC" car. (Probable Cause) When my husband was a patrolman he would point out the PC cars on the road, telling me that police will watch and wait for PC cars to make a tiny infraction because they are pretty sure they will find more interesting offenses once they pull them over.
Or maybe they saw the hottie driving and thought they would take a chance - I'm just sayin'.

Lilly said...

Oh my , your Mom is as hilarious as you. I have the same kind of cop stories. I even cried once, how manipulative was that? Um some advice, dont wear anything too short or too low cut to court, he he. I agree they all have quotas to meet is all. meanwhile the big criminals are out committing the big crimes. Keep a supply of donuts with you at all times, just in case. And tears work too (I am ashamed to say).