First, 10 years ago today my father died of a massive heart attack while on vacation in Florida with his girlfriend, Pat. It was about 6 a.m. on a Friday morning when my sister Lori phoned to tell me the news. I remember the call like it was yesterday—I was in a hotel room in Shelton, Connecticut, where I’d been working for GE. Lori relayed the details as she knew them and told me that Pat had signed off to have his corneas donated.
After I got off the phone, I mechanically packed up my things, going through the motions as one does when they’re in that type of surreal state. I then went down to the hotel lobby to check out, and you’ll never believe what song was playing on the radio as I stood at the front desk.
It was Eric Clapton’s “Looking Through My Father’s Eyes.”
Is that freaky or what?
Next, I want to share a beauty tip. Totally unrelated—I told you. You know what I’ve been using on my skin lately and I swear to God it’s noticeably softer? Good old fashioned Gold Bond Lotion. I mix it with Bath & Body Works Warm Vanilla Sugar (cream or lotion) because I like the scent, but it’s the Gold Bond that’s keeping my skin soft. And—I don’t know if this is related—the eczema breakouts I used to have stopped since I’ve been using it. I know—we should be sharing beauty tips more often. (I can see Hurricane Mikey rolling his eyes now.)
Here’s the last thing I want to tell you…
My ex is on the friggin’ warpath because he caught wind that my book is getting closer to becoming a reality. He shot me several nasty emails yesterday, each with liberal use of the C word. He thinks I’m out to “fuck up his entire life” and I’ll be ruining his chances of ever finding a girlfriend.
Certainly, I’d have been spared untold headaches and heartaches had an ex-girlfriend written this book before I got to him. And note to anyone (male or female) who gets stinkin' drunk and obnoxious and pours water on their spouse at 3 a.m. while they sleep: Don’t think your actions will always stay a dirty little secret.
Or… should they stay a secret? Should I reconsider this project? Tell me what you think. I assure you, ruining his life was never my intention. I never mention his name in the book, and I’m going to make some changes that will obscure his identity a bit, but I realize it wouldn’t take a genius to piece things together.
So what is my intention? By sharing my experiences in this book, I know I will help other women gain perspective into their own lives. That’s my intention. And aside from that, the book is really funny; my goal is to entertain and inspire. Am I looking to cash in from all this? Hardly. Though if the book takes off, that would be a sign that there’s a need in the marketplace.
I really am sorry about this, on so many levels. I wish none of that bullshit ever happened. The most damning thing I say about him in the book was in the excerpt I posted last Saturday. BTW, I wrote this in response to a comment someone made about the Bastard Husband: A Love Story title. In case you haven’t seen it:
I can't tell you how many times I've reconsidered that title, and for two reasons: 1) the book is more about my post-divorce journey than it actually is about my ex (though certainly reflections on that relationship are threaded throughout) and 2) the title, as you've say, implies bitterness. That said, I've decided to stay with it for one huge reason: the title gets attention. People remember it. It came to me one morning in the pool area of the Ramada Inn in St. George, Utah, where I'd spent the previous night due to an episode like the one in the excerpt from last Saturday. I sat in a lounge chair thinking, "What a bastard, but I love him." That's when I thought I had the makings of a book.Hmm…. Lots of stuff here. Tell me what’s on your mind. Was the Clapton song a message from beyond or just a crazy coincidence? What's your beauty secret? And if you were me, what would you do about the ex?
Let me know!
44 comments:
The Clapton song was definitely your father whispering lovingly in your ear. Music - what a beautiful way to communicate! (Not that I'm biased or anything...)
Beauty Tips? I love my Patricia Wexler, MD daily face cream (also from Bath and Body Works). It's got sunscreen and keeps my ever-aging face feeling refreshed. I know that sounds corny, but it's true.
As far as the ex goes, fuck him! Is that clear enough? He did what he did and now he gets to reap the consequences. If he'd, for once in his life, taken a little responsibility, had compassion for you, or - dare I say - asked your forgiveness, the story might have turned out differently. (In fact, it's still not too late for that, is it?) Too bad you didn't have that pillow that says, "Careful, or you might end up in my novel" back then; not that it would have stopped him from acting like a selfish animal.
There you have it. My two cents. Any other questions?;-)
As a lurker over from Mikey's page, since you're asking for comments on this one, I'll give you mine...
1. The song was definately a sign.
2. I'm sooo going to try the gold bond since my exzema is out of control. My only question is doesn't the bath and body works lotion mixed in bother you? I can't use any of that scented stuff....
3. Release that book! I don't think for a minute you should reconsider publishing it. Those are your life experiences and if you want to tell the world, do it! I am totally with you in that if I had known the dirty truth about some of my ex's I would have stayed faaaaar away! If the book is half as entertaining as your blog, you'll do well.
Good Luck!
The song was a total message... all things happen for a reason and sometimes if we open our ears, hearts and minds at just the right moment the message comes through loud and clear.
Di
The Blue Ridge Gal
No coincidence at all...your Dad was sending you a message that you were meant to understand. Aside from writing in the sky, that was the best way he could get your attention at the time.
For beauty tips, you'll have to visit my On Being blog because my daughter, the fashion/makeup extraordinaire is taking questions and answers there.
Go with the book. He's a bully that is now feeling shameful because of the truth. What? He wants you to sugarcoat it? Not!!!
I think that you should definitely continue with the publishing. Especially if you've gone to efforts to obscure who he is. You didn't have to do that and you're doing it because you're a nice person. But, related to the comment I left the other day, information like this needs to be out there. I'm especially hoping you have what in retrospect turned out to be some early warning signs.
I think he's feeling a little spotlighted but really, only people close to both of you would know him, right?
On a personal level I also have no tolerance for men being assholes. I think we get away with that crap too much and it sits and festers in the minds of every woman harmed by one of these dickheads and conversely makes it that much harder for -me- to get a girlfriend :-)
I can't begin to tell you how many times some girl thought I was a -total- scumbag because there was just no way I was actually as nice as I seemed and I must be putting on an act. That is some bullshit, right there.
Bottom line, publish it. If -nothing- else it will cause him to think twice about pulling this crap on the women in his life in the future.
Hey Todd you think that girl just couldn't find the light switch for your hair.
Forget about all that Zen crap you pretend to preach about in your yoga classes!
Newsflash!: It ain't considered "Karma" to go ahead and say,"Fuck him" as a way to rationalize your behavior to go ahead and deliberately do things that YOU KNOW will hurt and humiliate someone else. (No matter what your friends with their "Atta, Girl" attitude may say. This isn't high school and you can make your own decisions instead of airing your dirty laundry in a public way and getting your buddies to reassure & convince you that you are doing the "right thing". Grow up!)
This really isn't about getting the word out to help other women who may find themselves in a similar situation, this is truly about your own ego trip and calling it being "an independent woman breaking free from her past".
We all make mistakes and should take responsibility for our own actions, etc;, etc;, etc., but why do you really want to go ahead and publicly humiliate someone who has a severe drinking problem in a very public way? Sure, you can say you were married to an alcoholic, but does the world need to know every single, minute detail of his shortcomings?
...I could never do a blog nor write a book...but I can read! Publish the book !! SCREW HIM..correction ..no don't screw him...I have no beauty or skin secrets because I tend to ignore everything the dermatologist tells me...and the Eric Clapton song...a message from your Dad!!!!
@ Debra: Patricia Wexler, eh? I’ll definitely look into that.
@ Chocolate: “Bully.” Good word.
@ Todd: It’s nice to hear a male’s perspective on this super estrogen-laden site! Any woman who doesn’t see how nice and funny you really are is certainly missing out.
@ “Anonymous”: That’s quite a passionate reaction; we must have hit a nerve. LOL! (For the record, the husband in the picture with my kids is not BH.) And one more comment, and I’m deleting them all. Enough is enough, man. Get back to work!
@ My Moon: No, "Anonymous" is definitely not BH; I can tell from the IP address. BH is in another hemisphere; Anonymous is here in Las Vegas. I have a feeling it's the same guy who left a million friggin' comments a few weeks ago. I haven't heard from him since I posted the "It's My Party" blog. I'm pretty sure it's the same guy, though.
Clapton song was a message, no doubt. I don't believe in coincidence. Everything happens for a reason.
Push on with your book!!!!!
As you can tell, my "Anonymous" stalker Laura/Cory/Sybil was here. I don't normally delete comments, but it was starting to get pathetic. I have better things to do than monitor my site 24/7, so my apologies if they leave their mark again.
@ Tara: Thanks for coming over from Mikey's and thank you for commenting. You know, the scented lotion doesn't seem to bother my skin, but I do mix it with the Gold Bond. I also cut out ice cream, and ever since then I haven't had a bit of eczema. Dairy is a known cause, as you probably know. I do have milk with cereal and coffee, though.
Maybe neither the Gold Bond nor the ice cream have anything to do with it. I'm like, whatever it takes... I hate being all itchy and scratchy. Good luck to you, and I hope it goes away soon!
I am so sorry for the loss of your dad, its not something you ever really get over, we only have one Daddy. Of course the Clapton song was a sign!! A very special one.
Beauty secret: I love this stuff called Jing Jang cream. I use it on my lips and it feels sooooooooo good. One little jar lasts a year. Also could not live without my Dermalogica eye makeup remover or my favorite lipstick which is made by C3.
As for the book - Of course you should publish it. The truth is the truth and if he can't handle the truth than maybe he needs to apologize and grow up and be thankful that you are not using his real name. Does he read your blog? Hi ex husband!!!
Perhaps by publishing it you will help someone who is an alcoholic realise the impact that their problem ends up having on the lives of others.
I personally know two women who are alcoholics who make the lives of those with them very difficult. They continue to blame others. When they are sober they still blame everyone else.
If people did not make the effort to "air their dirty laundry" as Anonymous so kindly put it, things would go back to the good old days of sweeping crap under the carpet (sexual abuse of children, domestic violence etc.)
If your ex was a brave and responsible man he would maybe feel some sort of remorse and come clean to any future girlfriend.
Publish the book. Tell the ex to get over it.
@ Barbara: Jing Jang, eh? Where do you get that? And wait... eye makeup remover? You mean you're supposed to remove it?
@ Linda: Oh, if only my ex would do that.
I think you're a great writer and loved the excerpt you posted. I will definitely buy he book. You need to publish it and do what's best for you. Let the ex deal with what's best for him. Fuck him. You aren't naming him in the book, and maybe it's a good thing he'll have a hard time getting a girlfriend. LOVE LOVE LOVE reading your blog.
Beauty Tip: Jergen's Natural Glow body lotion. Gives a very subtle but nice hint of color, smells great, moisturizes and it's cheap!
Josie
I to believe it was a sign ..
Eric Clapton's song. Now that's freaky.
My beauty tip? Drink lots of water.
And finally, your book. Your book is more than an account of your experience with your ex. It's a part of your life journey that is fun to read. I always enjoy reading your excerpts and am glad that you share! Publish away!!
Wow - look at all the fun and laughter we must have missed out on with those deleted comments!
I really think you should publish. I know it may not be the most ideal way to keep a civil relationship with your ex - but neither was his emotional abuse towards you. This book seems to be a part of you and I think you should follow your heart unless you feel keeping the peace is more important. But I vote for publish.
As for beauty tips - Mikey is also known for passing along his own beauty tips and bargain finds, so don't let him harrass you too much! I will pick up the Gold Bond for my overly allergic son & his eczema - thanks for the tip.
I agree with the others on the "Father's eyes." Magical moments happen when you heart is open to them.
Thanks for the entertainment - I think we would all pay extra to get our copy of the book autographed.
Dammit I miss all the fun when I can't get to blogs during the day!
This must have been quite a blog catfight!
warm vanilla sugar is absolutely my favorite scent ever. Next to tea rose and my boyfriend's goatee.
Damn... you have a stalker? What am I doing wrong? Yuk yuk yuk. No really, I'm sorry about your dad. I love the 3 things idea....I might have to steal it.
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