Bathroom mirror, why are you so unforgiving?

As you know, I was really lucky to land a contract tech writing job within three weeks of arriving in Albany. This gig has been a godsend! There’s a steady flow of work that’s not overwhelming, my boss is cool, and my coworkers are fun as hell. Look—I let beautiful Ivory Girl borrow my tiara last week. Isn’t she adorable?

To go on, the company culture seems healthy, there’s a free parking garage, I like walking around downtown Schenectady at lunchtime… the only bad thing about this place is the lighting in the ladies’ room. I’m not kidding, it’s AWFUL! I look like I’m 90 years old, anemic, hung over and suffering with the flu and a wicked toothache, and just endured the middle seat of a transcontinental flight that was delayed on the tarmac for five hours before takeoff. So. not. pretty.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve asked myself, “Is the lighting in here really shitty or am I not nearly as attractive as I fancy myself to be?” And then I spend the rest of the day wondering how the hell I have a boyfriend, praying that he never actually gets a good look at me, and guessing whether young and gorgeous Ivory Girl thinks the lighting in there is just fine. In which case, I will secretly hate her.

Imagine if you had such crappy lighting in your bathroom at home? You’d have terrible self-esteem and would never leave the house. Maybe this is part of the company’s grand scheme to retain workers. You’re lucky you even HAVE a job looking like that! Go ahead and see if anyone else will take you, you repulsive hag!

This bathroom situation is still a million times better than one of the places I worked as a contactor several years ago. Everyone there must have been on high fiber diet—I swear, at any given moment the place stunk like my father had just finished up after downing a giant plate of Mexican. Mixed with Chinese and Japanese.

Anyway, if you’re ever having an ugly/tired/can’t-stand-your-face kind of day, blame it on the lighting. Or just turn the damn lights off. If anything, I know I look best in the dark.