Sunday, June 10, 2012
No post yesterday...
Sorry I didn't post yesterday, but I was out having the greatest day of my life.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
From my brain to God's toilet
Please just bear with me while I let some random crap spill from my brain.
1. Do you absolutely hate the trend toward the "open design" workplace? As if cubicles aren't bad enough, they're breaking them down so now everyone can see everyone else floss their teeth or do God knows what else at their desks. Glass offices are part of this brilliant concept, too. Personally, I'd rather work in a Mississippi cotton field. This is just weird, people.
2. Speaking of weird, is HDTV a little creepy? I swear, I don't see people standing three feet away from me as clearly as I see the lines on Anderson Cooper's face from across the room.
3. Speaking of TV, remember how Mike called our cable company and asked for a lower rate and they gave us HBO for free for 3 months? Well, sure enough, there was a charge for $14.99 for HBO on our last bill, so I called and said what the hell? So now they're giving us HBO, Cinemax, Showtime, and Starz for free for 3 months. We'll see what the next bill says, though...
4. Speaking of Anderson Cooper, I would totally love to stay at The OUT NYC hotel, New York city's first gay, but straight-friendly, urban resort. Come on, you know it has to be well designed, right? But I'll bet you a lot of people would totally not stay there.
5. You know how sometimes things just ring true when you hear them? In Starbucks yesterday, a guy was talking about health care and said, "American doctors are taught only three things: cut, burn, and poison." I'd never heard it expressed that way, but man, I think he nailed it.
6. I was getting my hair done recently and the woman in the chair next to me said in November 2010 her husband was given 3 months to live (cancer--what else). His doctor, a guy from India, said there was nothing more he could do, but suggested he take Chyawanprash, available at any Indian grocery store. It's a food supplement with herbs and spices that he said his grandmother used to give to him back in India. Well, November 2010 was more than a year and a half ago and the woman's husband is still alive. She said everyone in her family takes it and they feel great. And their hair is thicker. Of course, I stopped at the nearest Indian grocery store on my way home. Of course, I also bought some Indian shampoo because you never see Indian women with fine, thin, limp, shitty hair.
7. Chyawanprash tastes like drek, but I bet it's good for you. I'll also bet you almost any disease could be cured by a concoction involving baking soda, vinegar, or petroleum jelly.
8. Speaking of concoctions, does anyone remember Save the Baby? I didn't think they sold it anymore, but evidently you can still get it online.
9. Do you have little brown spots on your face from the sun? I do. My mother's grandmother used to say you can get rid of them by dabbing them with your spit first thing in the morning before you've eaten anything. Supposedly, your "fasting spit" is full of acid that will lighten those spots. So now I'm starting each day with a face full of gob.
10. Speaking of Mom, she's doing well. She says she feels better than she has in 6 months. Thank you again and again for your good wishes!
1. Do you absolutely hate the trend toward the "open design" workplace? As if cubicles aren't bad enough, they're breaking them down so now everyone can see everyone else floss their teeth or do God knows what else at their desks. Glass offices are part of this brilliant concept, too. Personally, I'd rather work in a Mississippi cotton field. This is just weird, people.
2. Speaking of weird, is HDTV a little creepy? I swear, I don't see people standing three feet away from me as clearly as I see the lines on Anderson Cooper's face from across the room.
3. Speaking of TV, remember how Mike called our cable company and asked for a lower rate and they gave us HBO for free for 3 months? Well, sure enough, there was a charge for $14.99 for HBO on our last bill, so I called and said what the hell? So now they're giving us HBO, Cinemax, Showtime, and Starz for free for 3 months. We'll see what the next bill says, though...
4. Speaking of Anderson Cooper, I would totally love to stay at The OUT NYC hotel, New York city's first gay, but straight-friendly, urban resort. Come on, you know it has to be well designed, right? But I'll bet you a lot of people would totally not stay there.
5. You know how sometimes things just ring true when you hear them? In Starbucks yesterday, a guy was talking about health care and said, "American doctors are taught only three things: cut, burn, and poison." I'd never heard it expressed that way, but man, I think he nailed it.
7. Chyawanprash tastes like drek, but I bet it's good for you. I'll also bet you almost any disease could be cured by a concoction involving baking soda, vinegar, or petroleum jelly.
8. Speaking of concoctions, does anyone remember Save the Baby? I didn't think they sold it anymore, but evidently you can still get it online.
9. Do you have little brown spots on your face from the sun? I do. My mother's grandmother used to say you can get rid of them by dabbing them with your spit first thing in the morning before you've eaten anything. Supposedly, your "fasting spit" is full of acid that will lighten those spots. So now I'm starting each day with a face full of gob.
10. Speaking of Mom, she's doing well. She says she feels better than she has in 6 months. Thank you again and again for your good wishes!
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Time for a dance party!
The other night I was in the beer aisle at Trader Joe's picking out some liquid joy when "Ball of Confusion," the 1970 hit by The Temptations, started blaring throughout the place. Oh, the memories! My sister Lori and I used to play the 45 on our little record player, complete with the penny on the needle to prevent skipping, over and over and over. Having memorized each word, we would sing along.
Seriously, don't you wish we lived in a society where people could dance as the spirit moves them while grocery shopping? Old people, young people, black folks, white folks, and everyone in between making new friends as dance partners or just grooving in their own perfect world... God damn, that is the world I want to live in!
Every place I've ever worked, I proposed the idea of having a 2 p.m. dance party to break up the lull of the afternoon. Yep, at 2:00 sharp, everyone would stop working for a little, say, Talking Heads break. Music would blast throughout the cube farm and everyone would dance their asses off for a song or two. Then they'd return to their work with fresh blood and renewed creativity pumping through them to get them through the rest of the day. That was my vision. No one took me up on it.
WHY AM I NOT QUEEN OF THE UNIVERSE?
The world would be so much more fun.
So here you go, my friends. I hope you're at work so you can blast this fucker.
"People moving out,
People moving in,
Why, because of the color of their skin,
Run, run, run, but you just can't hide.
An eye for an eye,If you're over 45, you know you cannot possibly sit or stand still when you hear that song. I started moving a bit as I perused my selections for the evening, and it was so frustrating not to just let loose and DANCE. I mean go freakin' nuts.
Tooth for a tooth,
Vote for me and I'll set you free,
Rap on, brother, rap on."
Seriously, don't you wish we lived in a society where people could dance as the spirit moves them while grocery shopping? Old people, young people, black folks, white folks, and everyone in between making new friends as dance partners or just grooving in their own perfect world... God damn, that is the world I want to live in!
"Fear in the air, tension everywhere,One time I stopped to get gas and they were playing The Bee Gees' "Staying Alive" and for once I didn't mind standing there doing the second most boring thing on earth (flossing is first). I swear, if I knew of a gas station that always blasted the soundtrack to Saturday Night Fever, I would never get gas anywhere else.
Unemployment rising fast,
The Beatles new record's a gas,
And the only safe place to live,
Is on an Indian reservation,
The band played on.
Eve of destruction, tax deduction,
City inspectors, bill collectors, mod clothes in demand,
Population out of hand, suicide, too many bills,
Hippies moving to the hills,
People all over the world are shouting, End the war!,
And the band played on.
Every place I've ever worked, I proposed the idea of having a 2 p.m. dance party to break up the lull of the afternoon. Yep, at 2:00 sharp, everyone would stop working for a little, say, Talking Heads break. Music would blast throughout the cube farm and everyone would dance their asses off for a song or two. Then they'd return to their work with fresh blood and renewed creativity pumping through them to get them through the rest of the day. That was my vision. No one took me up on it.
WHY AM I NOT QUEEN OF THE UNIVERSE?
The world would be so much more fun.
So here you go, my friends. I hope you're at work so you can blast this fucker.
"Great Googamooga,You're welcome.
Can't you hear me talking to you?"
Saturday, June 2, 2012
If you disagree with me on this, I'll be secretly wondering HTHUCBSS
My favorite professor when I was in grad school at RPI once told me, "Linda, when you think you're right, you're right. And you can't believe anyone could be so stupid to disagree with you."
"Well, I agree with that," I said.
That was a good 20 years ago, and no truer words were ever spoken. I usually think things through and weigh all the options (I'm a Libra) and go back and forth until I make myself crazy, but when I've come to a conclusion about something, nope, I can't believe other people can't see it the same way.
You know how on job interviews they ask, "What are your strengths and weaknesses?" I swear, for weaknesses I just want to say, "Well, when someone disagrees with me, I secretly think they're retarded. Sometimes not so secretly."
Anyway, here's something I think is stupid as hell and I can't imagine anyone could possibly disagree with me. At the beginning of 2012, the hotel and casino known since 1971 as the Las Vegas Hilton lost its licensing agreement and is no longer affiliated with the Hilton empire. Around that time, I started noticing billboards advertising "LVH." What the hell is that, I wondered, until I found out that the Hilton is now known as the LVH, which stands for "Las Vegas Hotel and Casino."
OH, MY GOD! Is that brilliant or what?! Imagine a group of corporate brainiacs around a conference table holding a creative brainstorming session and THAT'S the best they could come up with??? Evidently they didn't envision this potential conversation between two tourists:
I kid you not.
Somebody needs to bring in the Groupon or Living Social copywriters. I can't believe I'm saying this because their overly-flowery descriptions are so annoying, half the time I can't even tell what the friggin' deal is, but I'm starting to think maybe there's a place for those people after all. You know, before Circus Circus rebrands itself as "FML."
"Well, I agree with that," I said.
That was a good 20 years ago, and no truer words were ever spoken. I usually think things through and weigh all the options (I'm a Libra) and go back and forth until I make myself crazy, but when I've come to a conclusion about something, nope, I can't believe other people can't see it the same way.
You know how on job interviews they ask, "What are your strengths and weaknesses?" I swear, for weaknesses I just want to say, "Well, when someone disagrees with me, I secretly think they're retarded. Sometimes not so secretly."
OH, MY GOD! Is that brilliant or what?! Imagine a group of corporate brainiacs around a conference table holding a creative brainstorming session and THAT'S the best they could come up with??? Evidently they didn't envision this potential conversation between two tourists:
"Hey, I'm going to Vegas next week."So now, get this. The old Sahara is going to be redeveloped and is expected to open in Q2 of 2014. It's being billed as a $744 million project. Yes, I said $744 million! Oh, it will be fantastic! And it will be called... "SLS Las Vegas."
"Me, too!"
"Really? Where you stayin'?"
"The Cosmopolitan."
"Ooh, sounds nice."
"Where are you staying?"
"The LVH."
"The LVH? WTF is that?"
I kid you not.
Somebody needs to bring in the Groupon or Living Social copywriters. I can't believe I'm saying this because their overly-flowery descriptions are so annoying, half the time I can't even tell what the friggin' deal is, but I'm starting to think maybe there's a place for those people after all. You know, before Circus Circus rebrands itself as "FML."
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Roller coaster of emotions these days
How many times have you heard me say, "The universe unfolds in divine order"? To the point of being annoying, no doubt. Sometimes I even annoy myself with that shit. I do believe it, though.
Every year I go up to Boise for Mother's Day, but this year I decided to wait until the following weekend. It just worked out better that way. As it turned out, I was there when Mom had the hypertensive crisis, and thank God for that. Stepdaddy is awesome, but he is hard of hearing and so it was a good thing I was around to answer questions for the medical personnel and hear what they had to say about my mother's condition.
Originally, I was supposed to return to Vegas last Wednesday. But brilliant me--I booked a flight to Boise using frequent flyer points and then booked another one-way flight from Vegas to Boise. Yeah, like two flights to Boise, but none coming home. DUH. I noticed I screwed up a few days before my trip, but I couldn't get a Wednesday flight, so I booked my return for Thursday.
That allowed me to stay for the Wednesday night open mic at the Liquid Laughs comedy club, and then when I won the contest and got the chance to open for the headliner the next night, I changed my flight again, so I left on Friday. That worked out because Mom was discharged from the hospital on Thursday, so I was around an extra day to make sure she was back to normal at home.
Mom is doing well, but unfortunately, she won't be able to fly back east for my son's wedding in a few weeks. That's really too bad, but her doctor would like her to stay close to home right now, and no one's going to argue with that.
I am so happy for my precious son, Christopher. The woman he is marrying is a gem; I couldn't have picked a better person for my boy. They are truly meant for each other. Adorable together.
Getting back to the divine unfolding, my contract on my tech writing job was over at the beginning of the month, which is freeing me up to spend a couple of weeks in Albany after the wedding. I'm going to stay there until my grandson, Connor, gets out of school, then we'll fly back to Vegas together (hopefully, I won't screw up on the flights this time). Connor will stay here until July 1 and we'll get that dreaded Disneyland trip in while he's visiting.
But I really, really need that time in Albany. One of my dearest friends, whom I've known for over 40 years, became seriously ill last week with acute renal failure. The day after my mother got out of the hospital, he went in. The road to recovery is going to be long and could involve a transplant. His wife is also one of my best friends, and I just can't wait to get back there so I can see both of them with my own two eyes and help however I can. I'm warning you now, if anything happens to him, I will be a mental case.
So it's good that the company I was working for didn't have the budget to renew my contract right now. I need to be there for my friends. And thank God we have a joyous occasion to celebrate--I'm afraid I'll be crying tears of joy throughout the whole wedding ceremony. It all seems to come together. So maybe even something awesome will happen in Disneyland.
Every year I go up to Boise for Mother's Day, but this year I decided to wait until the following weekend. It just worked out better that way. As it turned out, I was there when Mom had the hypertensive crisis, and thank God for that. Stepdaddy is awesome, but he is hard of hearing and so it was a good thing I was around to answer questions for the medical personnel and hear what they had to say about my mother's condition.
Originally, I was supposed to return to Vegas last Wednesday. But brilliant me--I booked a flight to Boise using frequent flyer points and then booked another one-way flight from Vegas to Boise. Yeah, like two flights to Boise, but none coming home. DUH. I noticed I screwed up a few days before my trip, but I couldn't get a Wednesday flight, so I booked my return for Thursday.
That allowed me to stay for the Wednesday night open mic at the Liquid Laughs comedy club, and then when I won the contest and got the chance to open for the headliner the next night, I changed my flight again, so I left on Friday. That worked out because Mom was discharged from the hospital on Thursday, so I was around an extra day to make sure she was back to normal at home.
Mom is doing well, but unfortunately, she won't be able to fly back east for my son's wedding in a few weeks. That's really too bad, but her doctor would like her to stay close to home right now, and no one's going to argue with that.
I am so happy for my precious son, Christopher. The woman he is marrying is a gem; I couldn't have picked a better person for my boy. They are truly meant for each other. Adorable together.
 |
| Chris and beautiful Ketti |
But I really, really need that time in Albany. One of my dearest friends, whom I've known for over 40 years, became seriously ill last week with acute renal failure. The day after my mother got out of the hospital, he went in. The road to recovery is going to be long and could involve a transplant. His wife is also one of my best friends, and I just can't wait to get back there so I can see both of them with my own two eyes and help however I can. I'm warning you now, if anything happens to him, I will be a mental case.
So it's good that the company I was working for didn't have the budget to renew my contract right now. I need to be there for my friends. And thank God we have a joyous occasion to celebrate--I'm afraid I'll be crying tears of joy throughout the whole wedding ceremony. It all seems to come together. So maybe even something awesome will happen in Disneyland.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
It's better to burn out than turn into a crooner
There's a trend among old rockers and I don't like it one bit.
I noticed it several years ago when Rod Stewart released a CD of "standards," which used to be called "old people's music." He now has a whole slew of "The Great American Songbook" records. Other rockers from the classic rock age have followed suit:
Neil Young, if I ever find out you're doing a cover of "They Can't Take That Away From Me," I swear, I will kick your ass.
Please, I beg of you, keep on rockin' in the free world!
What say you? Do you dig this trend? Is Alice Cooper singing "The Hokey Pokey" really what it's all about?
I noticed it several years ago when Rod Stewart released a CD of "standards," which used to be called "old people's music." He now has a whole slew of "The Great American Songbook" records. Other rockers from the classic rock age have followed suit:
- Paul McCartney's "Kisses on the Bottom" (WTF?) is a similar collection of old chestnuts.
- Glenn Frey of The Eagles recently released a solo record where he covers artists like Tony Bennett and Nat King Cole.
- Alice Cooper is getting ready to release "Welcome to My Nightclub," a collection of his parents' favorite numbers. Including "The Hokey Pokey." (I swear, I can't make this stuff up.)
- Ozzy Osbourne is rumored to be working on "The Cole Porter Songbook," featuring a duet with Patti Smith.
Neil Young, if I ever find out you're doing a cover of "They Can't Take That Away From Me," I swear, I will kick your ass.
Please, I beg of you, keep on rockin' in the free world!
What say you? Do you dig this trend? Is Alice Cooper singing "The Hokey Pokey" really what it's all about?
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Tough love -- it works both ways
Well, my mother is back to her normal self.
Again, thanks for all your kind wishes for Mom's good health. Now that I know she's fine, I am up her ass about losing weight. I know--there's nothing more annoying than having someone tell you something you already know, especially about your weight, and especially when it's coming from someone who's never had a real weight issue.
What caused her to have stroke-like symptoms is a condition called hypertensive encephalopathy. She was having a hypertensive crisis, which is experienced by about 1 percent of people with hypertension, commonly referred to as high blood pressure. This is serious shit, people; you cannot fuck with your blood pressure. You have to do whatever you can to keep it under control. And what do you think the Mayo Clinic and every other doctor on earth identifies as the #1 thing to do to control your blood pressure?
That's right: Lose extra pounds and watch your waistline. The second thing? Exercise regularly.
I've written about this before; check out my post, "If this post doesn't help you lose weight, then I give up." I'm the furthest thing from being a nutritionist, but I have a pretty rockin' body for being 54 years old and that should count for something.
Look, I admit that I stay slender because I'm so vain, Carly Simon even wrote a song about me. I want to look good because I perform in front of people, plus I have a 7-year-old stepchild and when she graduates from high school in friggin' 2023, I don't want to cheer her on looking like a cast member from Cocoon.
But the issue here is bigger than vanity, it's good health. I want to stay healthy so I can enjoy my children, stepchildren, and grandchildren for as long as I possibly can. I plan to dance at Hazel's 50th birthday party, so I have to stay good at least until I'm 102. And most importantly, I don't want to be in a position where anyone has to take care of me. Who does, right?
Last weekend, before shit hit the fan, my mother pointed to an elderly lady being helped up from her chair.
"Soon you'll be doing that for me," Mom said.
"Oh, hell, no!" I told her. "I'll help you if you're old, but I'm not gonna help you just because you're fat."
Later that day, she was squatting on the floor getting something from a bottom drawer in the kitchen.
"Oh, shit!" she said, laughing. "I can't get up."
"Well, you'll just have to stay there until you lose enough weight and can get up by yourself," was my reply.
That was the day before she landed in the hospital. In ICU, I might add.
Okay, Mom isn't like Gilbert Grape fat or anything--one of my friends says she just "Grandma fat." But she's definitely overweight and if lying in the ER not being able to say your own name isn't enough of a motivator to lose some pounds, then I don't know what is.
Here's the bottom line to everyone of any age. Love your children? Great. The best thing you can do for them is to stay healthy.
Don't hate me.
Mom (explaining how she keeps her credit cards straight): "I put a swastika on this one."I left her in good hands with Stepdaddy and got back from Boise yesterday afternoon. Oh, that handsome husband of mine was a sight for sore eyes! Actually, he picked me up from the airport in green shorts and a totally different color green shirt. I was like, "Honey, nice outfit," and he was all, "That's what happens when you leave me alone." That and the fact that the kids ate their breakfast cereal out of plastic cups that morning because somebody waited till the last minute to throw a week's worth of dishes in the dishwasher. At any rate, the love palace was shiny clean when I got home. Good job, Michael!
Me: "WHAT???"
Mom: "Not swastika. Asterisk."
Again, thanks for all your kind wishes for Mom's good health. Now that I know she's fine, I am up her ass about losing weight. I know--there's nothing more annoying than having someone tell you something you already know, especially about your weight, and especially when it's coming from someone who's never had a real weight issue.
What caused her to have stroke-like symptoms is a condition called hypertensive encephalopathy. She was having a hypertensive crisis, which is experienced by about 1 percent of people with hypertension, commonly referred to as high blood pressure. This is serious shit, people; you cannot fuck with your blood pressure. You have to do whatever you can to keep it under control. And what do you think the Mayo Clinic and every other doctor on earth identifies as the #1 thing to do to control your blood pressure?
That's right: Lose extra pounds and watch your waistline. The second thing? Exercise regularly.
I've written about this before; check out my post, "If this post doesn't help you lose weight, then I give up." I'm the furthest thing from being a nutritionist, but I have a pretty rockin' body for being 54 years old and that should count for something.
Look, I admit that I stay slender because I'm so vain, Carly Simon even wrote a song about me. I want to look good because I perform in front of people, plus I have a 7-year-old stepchild and when she graduates from high school in friggin' 2023, I don't want to cheer her on looking like a cast member from Cocoon.
But the issue here is bigger than vanity, it's good health. I want to stay healthy so I can enjoy my children, stepchildren, and grandchildren for as long as I possibly can. I plan to dance at Hazel's 50th birthday party, so I have to stay good at least until I'm 102. And most importantly, I don't want to be in a position where anyone has to take care of me. Who does, right?
Last weekend, before shit hit the fan, my mother pointed to an elderly lady being helped up from her chair.
"Soon you'll be doing that for me," Mom said.
"Oh, hell, no!" I told her. "I'll help you if you're old, but I'm not gonna help you just because you're fat."
Later that day, she was squatting on the floor getting something from a bottom drawer in the kitchen.
"Oh, shit!" she said, laughing. "I can't get up."
"Well, you'll just have to stay there until you lose enough weight and can get up by yourself," was my reply.
That was the day before she landed in the hospital. In ICU, I might add.
Okay, Mom isn't like Gilbert Grape fat or anything--one of my friends says she just "Grandma fat." But she's definitely overweight and if lying in the ER not being able to say your own name isn't enough of a motivator to lose some pounds, then I don't know what is.
Here's the bottom line to everyone of any age. Love your children? Great. The best thing you can do for them is to stay healthy.
Don't hate me.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Update on Mom and another change of plans
Wow. What a week.
First, thanks to everyone for your comments, emails, and texts expressing concern for Mom. She was released from the hospital yesterday and, thank God, seems to be doing well. What a scare, though.
Those of you who know my mother--in real life, virtually, or through my book--know she has a fantastic sense of humor and she loves being the butt of my jokes. Hell, without her, I'd barely have a comedy act; let's just say she's a goldmine for material. And even through all the craziness this week, we found all kinds of stuff to laugh at.
Okay, so Sunday we went to some kind of cultural festival, which used to be called "Hippie Fest," at Eagle State Park outside of Boise. It was a beautiful day, and the high point was sitting in the sun drinking a delicious Black Butte Porter (white wine for Mom), listening to a guy sing a most gentle version Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah." Perfect.
The next morning after breakfast we were sitting at the table making plans to check out a new Ross Dress-for-Less when all of a sudden I thought she was talking out the side of her mouth and slurring her words. "Keep talking," I told her (something I'd never encourage) and sure enough, I knew something was wrong.
Needless to say, off we were to the nearest Urgent Care. By the time we got there, her speech was okay, and I told the triage nurse, "If she kind of sounds like Barbara Walters, don't worry; that's normal for her." We had a good laugh, but the nurse was so concerned about Mom's blood pressure that she ordered an ambulance to take her to the ER for further evaluation. I said I could drive her, but I think Mom pulled the nurse aside and said, "Look, my life is in enough danger. Don't make me ride with her."
So I watched them load Mom into the ambulance, offered to take a quick picture for her Facebook page because I'm considerate like that, and then met her at the ER, where they did all kinds of tests. As we waited for the results, I looked at her lying there all hooked up to all these monitors and was like, "Sooooo... does this mean we're not going to Ross today?"
Fortunately, everything came back great. They concluded that the stroke-like symptoms were caused by elevated blood pressure--and it was super high. They gave her a prescription to fill and sent her home. After dinner she sat there shouting Jeopardy answers, I mean questions, to Alex Trebeck and everything was business as usual.
But right before bedtime, things were definitely not fine. Mom almost totally lost her ability to speak and that was scary. Stepdaddy and I raced her back to the hospital. At that point, she could speak again, but her cognitive abilities were definitely impaired. They'd ask her her name, and she'd be like, "My name? Oh, shit. I should know that." As they got her blood pressure more in control, she could respond appropriately. I asked her my name and she said, "Linda," and when I asked her my last name she looked at me like, "Jesus Christ, how the hell am I supposed to keep track of that? It changes with every goddamn husband."
After a couple of hours in the ER, they transferred her to ICU, where they could keep a good eye on her. She was obviously feeling better because she was complaining about the beep-beep-beeping and Jesus Christ, I feel like I'm in a goddamn fishbowl, so Tuesday afternoon they moved her to a regular room, which, thankfully, was to her liking. Yesterday they sprung her loose, and fingers crossed this whole ordeal never happens again.
Since Mom was home and doing well under Stepdaddy's watchful eye, last night I decided to take in an open mic at Liquid Laughs in downtown Boise. It's a nice room and the crowd was great. As it turned out, they were having a contest; the best comic of the night got a $50 gift card and the opportunity to open for headliner Gabriel Rutledge tonight. Well, guess who won? I was supposed to go back to Vegas today, but now I'll be heading home tomorrow. Again, fingers crossed.
Whew!
Thanks again to every single one of you for your good wishes. You have no idea how much I appreciate that you even stop at this site, much less take the time to write. I am grateful for so, so much.
First, thanks to everyone for your comments, emails, and texts expressing concern for Mom. She was released from the hospital yesterday and, thank God, seems to be doing well. What a scare, though.
Those of you who know my mother--in real life, virtually, or through my book--know she has a fantastic sense of humor and she loves being the butt of my jokes. Hell, without her, I'd barely have a comedy act; let's just say she's a goldmine for material. And even through all the craziness this week, we found all kinds of stuff to laugh at.
Okay, so Sunday we went to some kind of cultural festival, which used to be called "Hippie Fest," at Eagle State Park outside of Boise. It was a beautiful day, and the high point was sitting in the sun drinking a delicious Black Butte Porter (white wine for Mom), listening to a guy sing a most gentle version Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah." Perfect.
 |
| Stepdaddy and Mom on Sunday afternoon |
The next morning after breakfast we were sitting at the table making plans to check out a new Ross Dress-for-Less when all of a sudden I thought she was talking out the side of her mouth and slurring her words. "Keep talking," I told her (something I'd never encourage) and sure enough, I knew something was wrong.
Needless to say, off we were to the nearest Urgent Care. By the time we got there, her speech was okay, and I told the triage nurse, "If she kind of sounds like Barbara Walters, don't worry; that's normal for her." We had a good laugh, but the nurse was so concerned about Mom's blood pressure that she ordered an ambulance to take her to the ER for further evaluation. I said I could drive her, but I think Mom pulled the nurse aside and said, "Look, my life is in enough danger. Don't make me ride with her."
So I watched them load Mom into the ambulance, offered to take a quick picture for her Facebook page because I'm considerate like that, and then met her at the ER, where they did all kinds of tests. As we waited for the results, I looked at her lying there all hooked up to all these monitors and was like, "Sooooo... does this mean we're not going to Ross today?"
Fortunately, everything came back great. They concluded that the stroke-like symptoms were caused by elevated blood pressure--and it was super high. They gave her a prescription to fill and sent her home. After dinner she sat there shouting Jeopardy answers, I mean questions, to Alex Trebeck and everything was business as usual.
But right before bedtime, things were definitely not fine. Mom almost totally lost her ability to speak and that was scary. Stepdaddy and I raced her back to the hospital. At that point, she could speak again, but her cognitive abilities were definitely impaired. They'd ask her her name, and she'd be like, "My name? Oh, shit. I should know that." As they got her blood pressure more in control, she could respond appropriately. I asked her my name and she said, "Linda," and when I asked her my last name she looked at me like, "Jesus Christ, how the hell am I supposed to keep track of that? It changes with every goddamn husband."
After a couple of hours in the ER, they transferred her to ICU, where they could keep a good eye on her. She was obviously feeling better because she was complaining about the beep-beep-beeping and Jesus Christ, I feel like I'm in a goddamn fishbowl, so Tuesday afternoon they moved her to a regular room, which, thankfully, was to her liking. Yesterday they sprung her loose, and fingers crossed this whole ordeal never happens again.
Since Mom was home and doing well under Stepdaddy's watchful eye, last night I decided to take in an open mic at Liquid Laughs in downtown Boise. It's a nice room and the crowd was great. As it turned out, they were having a contest; the best comic of the night got a $50 gift card and the opportunity to open for headliner Gabriel Rutledge tonight. Well, guess who won? I was supposed to go back to Vegas today, but now I'll be heading home tomorrow. Again, fingers crossed.
Whew!
Thanks again to every single one of you for your good wishes. You have no idea how much I appreciate that you even stop at this site, much less take the time to write. I am grateful for so, so much.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
When you least expect it...
One day I'm enjoying HippieFest with Mom, and then the next day she's in ICU, which is where I'm pecking away on my iPhone right now. Quite a scare, but a full recovery is expected. They'll be moving her to a regular room soon. Can't write much at the moment. Be back soon.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
What? Traveling again???
I'm up in Boise for a few days, having a belated Mother's Day celebration with Mom. I'm busy-busy dragging Mom all over Potatoville and don't have much time to write, and since I seem to have a bunch of new readers, I thought I'd post an updated version of something from a couple of years ago that probably most of you have never seen. And certainly don't need to know.
1. I am the oldest of five kids spread over 14 years. My mother and the girl next to me in French class were pregnant at the same time.
2. I had two kids when I was 21 and still finished my bachelor’s degree at 23. I got my master's 10 years later.
3. I have never tried soy, sushi, yogurt, or guacamole simply because I don’t like the sound of them.
4. A few years ago, I came in second place in a pretty feet contest. It was held at a gas station in New Orleans.
5. I’m absolutely helpless. I can’t open a box of pasta without making a mess of it. If I have to sit in the emergency exit row of an airplane, I can tell you now, we'll all die.
6. I love men, but I would never, ever want to be one. Unless I were a rock star. Then I’d want to be Neil Young.
7. I have been to the New Orleans Jazz and Heritage Festival 14 times.
8. I totally admit that I’m a cross between Private Benjamin and Princess & the Pea.
9. Every morning my weight is somewhere between 137-139. The most I weighed when I was pregnant was 139.
10. Regarding weight, a famous actress once said that as women age, at some point they’ll have to choose between their ass and their face because as you get older, they’re simply not going to look good at the same time. I’m choosing my face.
11. From day one, my mother told me I was soooo smart and soooo beautiful. That's why I have such high self-esteem; Iit never occurred to me that she'd be lying.
12. When I was little, I asked my mother if the air was blowing the trees around or if the trees were moving and that’s what made it windy. She answered with, “Jesus Christ, what the hell kind of stupid goddamn question is that?” Maybe I wasn't that smart after all.
13. I have never had a day at work that was better than a day at home.
14. I used to regularly consult psychics. Prudence, my tarot card reader, is cheaper and more effective than a therapist.
15. I watched Guiding Light for over 30 years. My sisters and I used to go to NYC for their annual fan club gatherings. So queer! I don’t care--when I first moved to Las Vegas, my friends in Springfield were the only friends I had.
16. I am easily annoyed. And I have zero patience. But I still think I’m nice as hell.
17. I took ballet lessons on and off into my mid-30’s and started again a few months ago. I’m so graceful, I could trip over the pattern in the carpet.
18. I have a sister with whom I've been estranged for five years, but I think of her every day.
19. When I meet people, I know I subconsciously give them extra points if they’re Jewish, Canadian, or gay. Stereotyping people in a positive way is okay, don't you think?
20. My life’s purpose came to me one morning when I was meditating. “To help others access, acknowledge and accept their God-given talents and help them share those talents with the rest of the world.” Sounds corny as hell, but I do believe it’s true.
21. I believe in love at first sight. I believe it can happen more than once.
22. Sometimes to motivate myself to clean, I pretend Princess Di and JFK, Jr. have come back to life and are coming over for dinner.
23. I am not very materialistic. Yes, I now have a spiral staircase and a baby grand piano in my living room, I sometimes long for my old apartment with all my junky crap.
24. I used to go for younger men. Like at one point I had two kids and a boyfriend all in their 20’s. But I much prefer guys within a couple of years of my own age. Mike is 6 months younger--perfect.
25. I swear to God, I don’t think I’m any worse looking now than when I was younger. The only thing I hate about getting older is that I’m running out of time and I’m afraid I won’t be able to accomplish everything I want.
Yep, of everything that people should know about me, this is what I’m putting out there!
25 Random Facts About Me
1. I am the oldest of five kids spread over 14 years. My mother and the girl next to me in French class were pregnant at the same time.
2. I had two kids when I was 21 and still finished my bachelor’s degree at 23. I got my master's 10 years later.
3. I have never tried soy, sushi, yogurt, or guacamole simply because I don’t like the sound of them.
4. A few years ago, I came in second place in a pretty feet contest. It was held at a gas station in New Orleans.
5. I’m absolutely helpless. I can’t open a box of pasta without making a mess of it. If I have to sit in the emergency exit row of an airplane, I can tell you now, we'll all die.
6. I love men, but I would never, ever want to be one. Unless I were a rock star. Then I’d want to be Neil Young.
7. I have been to the New Orleans Jazz and Heritage Festival 14 times.
 |
| JazzFest 2002, I think. |
8. I totally admit that I’m a cross between Private Benjamin and Princess & the Pea.
9. Every morning my weight is somewhere between 137-139. The most I weighed when I was pregnant was 139.
10. Regarding weight, a famous actress once said that as women age, at some point they’ll have to choose between their ass and their face because as you get older, they’re simply not going to look good at the same time. I’m choosing my face.
11. From day one, my mother told me I was soooo smart and soooo beautiful. That's why I have such high self-esteem; Iit never occurred to me that she'd be lying.
12. When I was little, I asked my mother if the air was blowing the trees around or if the trees were moving and that’s what made it windy. She answered with, “Jesus Christ, what the hell kind of stupid goddamn question is that?” Maybe I wasn't that smart after all.
13. I have never had a day at work that was better than a day at home.
14. I used to regularly consult psychics. Prudence, my tarot card reader, is cheaper and more effective than a therapist.
15. I watched Guiding Light for over 30 years. My sisters and I used to go to NYC for their annual fan club gatherings. So queer! I don’t care--when I first moved to Las Vegas, my friends in Springfield were the only friends I had.
16. I am easily annoyed. And I have zero patience. But I still think I’m nice as hell.
17. I took ballet lessons on and off into my mid-30’s and started again a few months ago. I’m so graceful, I could trip over the pattern in the carpet.
18. I have a sister with whom I've been estranged for five years, but I think of her every day.
19. When I meet people, I know I subconsciously give them extra points if they’re Jewish, Canadian, or gay. Stereotyping people in a positive way is okay, don't you think?
20. My life’s purpose came to me one morning when I was meditating. “To help others access, acknowledge and accept their God-given talents and help them share those talents with the rest of the world.” Sounds corny as hell, but I do believe it’s true.
21. I believe in love at first sight. I believe it can happen more than once.
22. Sometimes to motivate myself to clean, I pretend Princess Di and JFK, Jr. have come back to life and are coming over for dinner.
23. I am not very materialistic. Yes, I now have a spiral staircase and a baby grand piano in my living room, I sometimes long for my old apartment with all my junky crap.
 |
| Shabby chic! |
24. I used to go for younger men. Like at one point I had two kids and a boyfriend all in their 20’s. But I much prefer guys within a couple of years of my own age. Mike is 6 months younger--perfect.
25. I swear to God, I don’t think I’m any worse looking now than when I was younger. The only thing I hate about getting older is that I’m running out of time and I’m afraid I won’t be able to accomplish everything I want.
Yep, of everything that people should know about me, this is what I’m putting out there!
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