Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Denis Leary and retainers… they’re not just for teeth and lawyers

Unless this is your first time landing here, you know I have this thing for Denis Leary. And just for the record, this attraction started long before Rescue Me came out, before everyone started jumping on the Denis bandwagon. I don’t usually go for skinny guys, but I’ve had a thing for redheads ever since I first laid eyes on Billy Mumy in Lost in Space, and don’t even get me going on Prince Harry—I so want to party with him. (But I repeat: I am not a cougar.)

I don’t know if Denis Leary actually is a redhead; he looks more blond, but who knows because you can definitely tell he gets his hair streaked. The thought of him sitting in the hairdresser’s chair with foil and bleaching paste all over his head kind of takes away from the macho image, so I try not to let my mind go there. I prefer to associate him with handcuffs and whipped cream.

Anyway, I’m reading his book, Why We Suck, and though parts of it are like OMG, no wonder why some people hate you, overall it’s an amusing read. He’s really not the asshole you might think he is, and you God bless him for staying with the original wife for twenty years. And though I think Rescue Me can sometimes be pretty self-indulgent—I mean, every beautiful woman wants him and lesbians are everywhere—I have to give him credit for this advice he gives to women about their looks.

“Giggles, guffaws, and shrieks of laughter last a whole lot longer than legs and other assorted things men like to look at… If you’re dating a guy who’s more interested in the size of your chest than the length of your laugh—maybe you’d better start shopping around.”
It’s nice to hear that guys value a sense of humor, especially since I may have to start dating again. Beloved boyfriend Mike’s lack of regard for my time is driving me out of my fucking mind. No, there hasn’t been much progress since the Mystery Date incident last month. Okay, he was actually a few minutes early for a date a couple of weeks ago, but last Sunday he just didn't show up. No call, no nothin'. That's a deal breaker, and I’m about to check out.

But you know what? To use his own words, everything has a price. So maybe it’s not over after all. I think I've found a way to salvage our union.

Here’s the deal, honey:

I’ll need a $500 deposit for every date or meeting we schedule. If you’re 15-30 minutes late, I keep $100 of it. More than 30 minutes, I keep half. No-shows will cost you the whole $500. Want to schedule something else? That’ll be another $500.

Want more than just dating? That’ll be $10,000. Yes, I’m charging you a $10,000 retainer to continue our relationship, to continue to be your girlfriend. That will be my compensation for all the aggravation; it will help pay for the blood pressure medication I'm gonna need. But don’t worry—since you always say we’ll be spending the rest of our lives together, I promise I’ll leave $10,000 to you in my will. If I go first, that is.
A “relationship retainer.” Do you think he'll go for it? Believe me, I'm totally worth it.

See, this is exactly why people always tell me I should be a life coach. Because I so many brilliant ideas.

21 comments:

Julie said...

You + Me + Denis = a threesome like none other. :)

Sigh...I can't believe Mike didn't show up. I hope he was busy moving, but I'm guessing probably not. I like the retainer idea. Pay to Play. It works for many other things!!!!

Tara said...

Lol, love the relationship retainer!

The Peach Tart said...

In general I don't think the relationship retainer is a good idea but with Mike, I think he has earned the need for the relationship retainer. Either that or move the hell on.

bobdfishr said...

What do you get for being early?

Hurricane Mikey said...

So... all the red flags are just part of the scenery now?

Other Mikey's Julie said...

Love the relationship retainer! What a great way to save for new shoes!!
I guess some people don't realize that regardless of what they say, their actions show their real feelings. If he can't be bothered to call when he is not going to show up, then obviously you aren't as important to him as you deserve to be. No show without calling? Better be dead in a ditch or in a coma that renders him unable to dial.
Maybe the money will be important enough to him to get him there, but if that is the case maybe you don't want him there after all.

Ekanthapadhikan said...

Never seen a better relationship retainer deal!

Mandy said...

1) Was his name originally Dennis and he dropped an 'n' knowing certain girls would associate a similar word with him? You yourself say you've had a thing for him for a long time and don't normally go for skinny guys. Maybe that subliminal thing is working on you too!!!!!

2) You know how, when your friend breaks up and you say "it's about time, that guy was an ass-tard" and then the next week she tells you they are back together and all you can say is "ummmmm..wow..ok" Well that is why I didn't comment after Mystery Date. But I totally agree with Mikey about the red flags. Time to move on. After all, there are lots of "Denis's" out there !!

Oh My Goddess said...

Isn't that sort of a pre pre nup?

TetonGirl said...

Redheads huh? Does that mean you maybe might have a thing for Danny Bonaducci?

Vegas Linda Lou said...

@ Bob: No rebates for being early.

@ Mikey: Maybe it would help if they had flashing lights?

@ Ek...: At $10K, I'm still a bargain. Love your name--nothing like using every single letter in the alphabet!

@ Teton Girl: Danny Bonaduce? That's just sick! I mean, my taste isn't that bad. (Or is it?)

@ Mandy and Julie(s) and everyone else: Yeah, no shit. You know what my problem is? I will break up with a perfectly nice guy just because I don't like the way he chews. But if I'm feeling the chemistry with someone, I will put up with so much bullshit. Unfortunately, with Mike with chemistry is amazing.

You guys are gonna love my book. If for no other reason, I'll make you feel like you're totally together!

R. Jacob said...

Finally, someone agrees with me. I always say how a woman looks is only part of the deal. Her laugh, her voice, and her mind count so much, they can be a deal breaker.
Sigh, I am too old to be chased after by a Vegas Cougar...I know, not a cougar...whipped cream???

Caprice said...

Too funny...the retainer is a good idea. And, like my daughter's Dr. if you cancel without a 48hr notice, you pay the co-pay!!!

Danica said...

LMAO I'm all for a relationship retainer!

Mandy's Life After 30 said...

I think you're selling yourself short! You're worth way more than $500 and $10,000. Not only are you good looking but you have that great sense of humor that Denis loves. So try quadrupling those figures and then we'll talk. :-)

classicrockforthesoul said...

Haha! I <3 that system.

Yeah, it's especially a deal breaker when Person A doesn't feel the need to communicate with Person B to tell them their excuse (I mean, perfectly legit reason) as to why they're not going to show up.

BTW, my blog is back in town! :)

Mike Dennis said...

Chemistry? Linda, are you looking for love in the periodic table? If so, try titanium. Or maybe U-235.

Myself, I'm not big on chemistry. I've always felt there should be botany between a man and a woman. You know, something like, "Honey, pass the cholorophyll, will you?" "Yes, dear."

And forget about collecting a $500 deposit. Even if he pays, he'll eventually get it back from you one way or another. You just can't trust these guys named Mike.

slacker-chick said...

Well, I am willing to share Denis with you, even though he's been my imaginary boyfriend since he was doing his shtick on MTV!

And your relationship retainer is a brilliant idea - but we already knew you were a smarty-pants.

Deborah said...

And here I thought I was the only chick with a thing for Denis. My favorite song...'I'm an Asshole'...Love that guy! relationship retainer...hmmm...it could work. hope you're doing well, Miss Lady!
Deborah

Blogger said...

Makes sense, I hate tardiness, I hate inconsideration. Have to check out Denis Leary :)

I am Malou., remember me at the Henderzon Writers' Workshop last September? I came with Dave who came with his sample chapters for reading/evaluation.

Lori Biker said...

If I were the gatekeeper, I would shut the gate and lock him out! I think if a BF, who has been through all he has with you, does a no call no show, he deserves a new title, Big F...! The retainer idea is funny and would help, but I may be hoping he doesn't show! Put a peek hole in the Mystery Date door!