One night I was hanging out with two other comics before our show at the LVH and one of the guys said, "Today I saw a woman with the worst ass implants ever!"
I thought he was kidding. Ass implants? Who the hell would spend good money for something that could be achieved much more economically by a daily diet of Milky Way bars? They assured me that buttock implants are not unusual these days. God help us, ladies, have we not spent our entire lives logging thousands of hours of Buns of Steel and trying not to eat total shit just so we wouldn't get a fat ass?
"Are guys really attracted to a woman with a big ass?" I asked. They glanced at each other and smiled. Now, I'm shallow enough that if they were two blacks guys, I'd say, "Yeah black guys are into big asses. Not a newsflash." But one was a big black guy in his late 40s and the other was a little white guy in his 30s, and they both went on and on about how important a meaty ass is. Wow, that was a real eye opener.
God knows I'm full of myself and you know it, too, so I'll be honest. I've always thought I had a great ass, like it was always one of my best features. (Sure as hell wasn't my hair...) I even had a boss tell me I had one of the all-time best asses on the planet (before all that killjoy sexual harassment crap came into vogue). Unfortunately, that was about 25 pounds ago, and even though right this minute it's bigger than ever, I'd say my ass is still pretty decent. But I don't want it to get any bigger! If it starts to creep into Kardashian territory, I swear I will start drinking Coors Light (!).
Ever since J-Lo made the scene it seems to be all about the ass. You never hear about a celebrity with a great set of knockers anymore... who's the modern day Susan Sarandon or Adrienne Barbeau? Huh?
So guys, I'm curious. Do you go for the Kardashian-sized variety, or for a much smaller model? Is ass the new tits? Or are you satisfied with a nice rack and the ass is secondary?
And ladies, it seems we now have one more body image issue to worry about. Now we need to have a "Goldilocks ass"--not too big, not too small, but just right. Splendid.