Monday, January 7, 2013

In the middle of the night... I think of you

I've been a mental patient these past few days. If nothing else, I'm pretty self-aware, and one thing I know for sure about myself is that I cannot freakin' handle stress.  You'd think that with 15 years of yoga under my belt, I'd somehow manage to come up with coping mechanisms, but no. Everything is a million times more intense to me than it should be; there's no such thing as "no big deal."

(As an aside, I'm pretty much convinced that the people who tell you to "just relax" are most likely the very ones who are causing you to stress in the first place.  Just a random observation.)

The holidays always freak me out, and starting a new job with a frustrating on-boarding period didn't help. Travel--no matter how fun--adds to it all.  I've developed a pain in my scapula area that I'm pretty sure is a combination of too much time on my laptop and, of course, stress.  I'm not sleeping well; most nights I wake up in pain and can't get back to sleep for at least an hour.  Neither Advil nor Aleve seems to help; applying heat worked for a while, but not anymore.

Last night I was a mess; I couldn't get to sleep at all.  I know that I can consumed with worry about my friend Chuck who is on the waiting list for a kidney-liver transplant.  My sister Lori and I visited him in the hospital yesterday. It's so upsetting to see him in such tough shape. I know that's weighing heavily on me, and there's nothing I can do about it.  I'm just so sad.

So at 4:30 this morning, I was wide awake, depressed and in pain and unable to get comfortable. I had talked to Mike earlier, and would have called him again, but it was 1:30 a.m. Pacific time.  I needed something, I needed somebody to talk to, somebody who could help me put things in perspective and offer words of encouragement. Nobody in the country would be up at that hour--who could I reach out to?

I thought of you, my readers. I could peck away at my iPhone and create a post there in bed. I could talk to you. I decided to take my phone downstairs to my sister's couch and create a post from there, where I might be more comfortable. And I was more comfortable, so comfortable I... fell asleep.

I didn't post last night, but I knew you were there for me.  You, my blogging buddies and readers in Las Vegas, some of whom I've had the pleasure to meet.  You in Regina, Saskatchewan; you in Sioux Falls, South Dakota; you in Bloomfield, Indiana; you in Brookfield, Illinois.  Edmonton... Chicago... Port Coquitlam, British Columbia.  Irving, Texas.  And of course, you in St. Francisville, Louisiana. You're all over.  And I know that you're there for me.  And last night, I really appreciated that.

Tomorrow night I'll be back in Las Vegas in my own bed.  Things will look different. And you'll still be with me.


Liz said...

Ah Linda. . . I hope that you can get yourself feeling better. I've gone through bouts of this myself (who hasn't?) and it's so damn hard. I don't sleep well at all (thanks for nothing menopause!) so I tend to get weepy and upset (occasionally even depressed) over almost anything. It sucks to feel that way. Top it off with pain and you've got a craptastic life (at least if feels that way).

I'm glad "we" could make you feel better!! Have a safe trip home!!

Gina D. said...

This was so poignant, Linda. And you're right, your readers are there for you. It's funny how panic can sometimes set in when we're in a bad way, and how loneliness will follow quickly when there's no one right there to help relieve that panic. But in truth, almost all of us have people who are there and love us and are there with us--even when they are physically there. Still, it's hard to remember that, so I'm glad you were able to. I hope you are feeling better soon, or at least can sleep better soon (sometimes that--next to laughter--really is the best medicine).

Tracy K said...

Just a little advice from Brookfield Illinois.....when I feel like you do....I get my butt to my masseuse!!
The $100 I spend is SO worth it!! Maybe a little self-pampering is in order??
Hang in....sending mega prayers for your friend Chuck!! And btw...I did buy and read your book!! don't you feel better? LOL

Anonymous said...

Yes I'm still here. I hope you feel better soon.

Vegas Linda Lou said...

Thanks, gals! I love you so much.

Julie D said...

Hey, what about me in Columbus Ohio!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm ready to book a Vegas trip. When do you want me? LOL

Taradharma said...

a heartbreakingly honest post, Linda. I'm glad you found an outlet that allow you to get it out and then fall asleep. Insomnia on top of worry and stress is the worst condition. I have my little tricks, and some nights they do actually work, but many nights not.

Two sticky notes in my bathroom: This too shall pass. I am Human.