Loving the ghosts of the past

I’m been busy lately. Really busy.

My mother and sister Lori were here for a week (we had a blast) and then Thursday night I went to Beer and Blog Las Vegas, where I got to hang out with my blogging buddies Hurricane Mikey, Carmen (Poker Girl in Vegas), and Sarah (408 Down), who’s also a former co-worker and precious friend for life. Then last night I worked until 8:30 (!) finishing up a proposal that had to get out. Me? Working till 8:30 on a Friday night? Yeah, I know.

Hey--welcome to all the new readers who’ve landed here thanks to Hurricane Mikey, Carmen, and Julie (47 and Starting Over). And thanks to all who commented on my last post, which was the synopsis of my book, Bastard Husband: A Love Story. Very much appreciated.

I’ve had some feedback, both on this site and from other readers, that the title doesn’t quite match the content. I agree; the story is about my first year alone in Las Vegas after a mid-life divorce, though I’ve threaded reflections on the relationship that led me here throughout the book. I figure it’s a working title; if I get an agent who in turn successfully shops it to a publisher, I’ll leave it to the professionals to determine whether it’s spot on or not. And if I self-publish, I’ll probably leave it as is—the title certainly gets attention—and I'll let the text on the back cover explain more.

My only problem with the title is that it sounds negative; I don’t want my book to be dismissed as a rant from an angry ex-wife. On the contrary, I think it’s clear throughout just how much I loved him. (And I still do.) But his path was wide enough for only one, and it wouldn’t have been healthy for me to tag along to where he was headed.

We were married for only two and a half years, but it’s taken me twice as long to get over Bastard Husband. As I wrote in my synopsis, “He was perfect and I loved everything about him. Until his thirteenth beer.” But as my father would say, “Other than that, Mrs. Kennedy, how did you like Dallas?” Anyone who's loved a person struggling with an addiction knows exactly what I mean.

In his book Effortless Prosperity, Bijan Anjomi talks about how some people come into your life as a boat; their role is to help take you toward your destination. In retrospect, I realize that my marriage to beloved Bastard Husband was, in itself, not the destination, as I had thought. No, he was the boat that took me here to Las Vegas. I do believe that was the role he was divinely meant to serve in my life, and once he got me here, his job was over. If it weren’t for him, I would not be enjoying this fabulous time today. So what’s not to love?

I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships lately, in part due to my renewed commitment to getting my book published, but more so because I’m in the, well… zygote stage of a new relationship. Actually, we’re a bit farther along—he’s met my mother(!)—but you get the picture.

One of the biggest differences in starting a relationship at age 51, compared to when you’re 21, is that you come to the table with history. When you hook up with someone in your 20’s, you have no real points of reference. You conclude, “He’s a nice guy” or “He’s an asshole” and that’s that. But if you’re single and over say, 35, chances are you’ve endured some battle scars. You view a potential love interest through the lens of your past and think, “Hmmm… I’ve seen this behavior before.” You project what's coming next, always expecting the worst.

That’s not fair to the new guy. Or gal--the concept works both ways.

So how about you? Do you have ghosts of relationships past that you need to embrace? Can you thank them for the roles they've played? And--this is the hard part--can you release them?

Once you reach that point of peace, I believe you clear your energy and make room for a new person to enter your life. And chances are, you'll enjoy that relationship a hell of a lot more. I sure do.