Monday, June 29, 2009

Yeah, I'm a man magnet

Had enough of listening to me spoutin’ off? Then you’re in luck. I have a guest blogger on tap for today—my beloved boyfriend, Mike. I know many of you have checked out his website and thought, “Oh, man, I can’t wait to hear more from this guy.” But if you’re expecting further insight into one of his smarty-pants mathematical solutions, I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed; I told him he could be a guest blogger only if he promised to write in plain English.

So without further ado…

My girlfriend, the man magnet

Linda and I had a fantastic time last weekend. We went to a house party that hosted various Las Vegas Strip musicians and vocalists who performed jazz and R&B throughout the night.

The beer was great, the music was fantastic and my companion was perfect; perhaps too perfect.

Upon arriving we were greeted by my friend Rochelle who looked surprised and asked, “Hey Mike, how’d you know about this party?”

“Well, Rochelle, you invited me. Remember?”

I couldn’t look at Linda. Linda has a billion friends and I have only six--three if you don’t count my kids and now two if you don’t count Rochelle.

“Oh, that’s right,” she said. “Well, have fun.”

OK, no problem, I remained calm. Linda went out back to put the beer we brought in the cooler and I surveyed the food offerings. After a short conversation with the guy who made the chicken, I looked for Linda and but had trouble spotting her. I wedged my way through a small crowd that had formed toward the backdoor – and there she was. Now get this: having her picture taken with some guy whom she met only 30 seconds prior. (The faces herein have been changed to protect the guilty.)

“You’re really beautiful,” one douche bag slurred. (I will be using “douche bag” often, so I will henceforth abbreviate to “DB.”)

“This is my boyfriend,” she chimed.

He looked in my direction. “Oh? Well, she is really beautiful.”

“Yeah, I know. You see, Medusa was busy feeding her snakes so I thought I’d break with tradition and bring someone pretty.” That was met with daft stares and beer drool. Still calm.

Well, that had actually happened to us before, one night at Green Valley Ranch, so I was somewhat conditioned. I safely escorted her to the back yard and sat down. That’s when DB2 found Linda. Now this creep, who was with a date, found it necessary to speak so close to her face that I was concerned Linda may have been deprived of ambient oxygen and become asphyxiated. Linda tacitly assured me the situation was under control and I decided to get some more beer as hers was empty. Of course, when I returned he had decided that my seat, next to Linda, would give him a better vantage for discussion about his life, his women and other stuff. I asked him to move, which he did begrudgingly. I’m calm, mostly.

Wow, we're there for five minutes and I’m like the Secret Service guarding the First Lady. We finally get to enjoy the music.

After a while, I excused myself to make use of the facilities, and when I returned what did I find? Linda has danced with DB3. Yes, yet another jackal had decided to prey on poor defenseless Linda. Still calm, and even amused and flattered, I asked Linda to identify DB3 and she pointed to the backdoor. I wondered how the short bald-headed guy with a walker could muster a dance, but I decided to confront him anyway. “No, honey, I was dancing with the big black guy behind him; the saxophone player.” No longer calm--OMFG, 6’5” by 6’5”. In a sudden and unusual show of mercy I decided to spare this bloke and take the higher road (mostly because the lower road probably would have led to stitches and a splint).

This, believe it or not, is a typical date with Linda. And yes, everyone lived.
Um, yeah… that’s probably a pretty accurate account. Except I had a picture taken with yet another guy—I don’t know how Mike missed this one. What can I say? I make friends easily!

Of course, this is all in good fun, and the men in the photos were lovely guys and not at all douche-baggy. We had a fantastic time! And Mike forgot to tell you that chicks dig me, too, though that’s a topic for some other post. Whatever. We’ll just let the record show that my smile is widest when this handsome devil is next to me.

Geez... do I have to cheer up or what?

I know, all this being-in-love crap has got to be wearing thin on some of you, and right about now my readers who hate me are hating me even more, but please just be happy for me. When my book, Bastard Husband: A Love Story comes out, you’ll see I deserve it.

Photos by John Kaye, singer/songwriter.


GypMom said...

I am very happy for you! After 2 failed marriages, I finally met and married my dream guy and BFF. Good things come to good people and you deserve it!

Krissyface said...

I love this. Your BF sounds like a keeper, and I bet you guys have the best time together. He's as funny as you are.

Argentine Rocket said...

Mike should get you one of those t-shirts that say "This is my boyfriend" with an arrow pointing to the right... That, or a ring ;)
Talk about a good looking couple, damn!

Julie D said...

OMG, I loved reading this. Being one of the few in bloggy world who actually know Mike, I can actually hear his voice saying this stuff and it had me cracking up laughing. You two are so cute together, and yes all the lovey dovey stuff is gagworthy, however I have read BH: ALS and I can vouch for you 110% that you deserve this happiness and then some!!!!

And then I deserve it next. So you two get busy and find ME a clone of your honey.

Love you both!

Oh hey by the way, I may be back in September....

KriMonster said...

It's a good thing that Mike has a high self-esteem! An absolute MUST when being with Linda...duh.

Josie said...

Love reading your blog. Since you posted the picture of your BF topless basking in the sun, that's all i think of when you mention him. What a hunk!!! Good God!!!

Okay, I'm wiping the drool off and getting back to work. *grin*

~S said...

Love this post! Mike is as brilliant in type as he is in person...a great match to Linda Lou! I adore you both :-)

Stephanie said...

Your grin is definitely wider with your dream boat:)
Great guest post!

Mandy said...

It looks like DB4 is trying to grab a feel! Or maybe he lost part of his index finger in a tragic combine accident.

Vegas Linda Lou said...

Thanks, girls! I'm feeling mighty lucky these days, and I'm brewing up a post that will give hope to anyone who's ever loved and lost. I've said it a million times: "The universe unfolds in divine order." I have no reason to believe otherwise!

Vegas Linda Lou said...

@ Argentine Rocket: Oh, totally, sister! I already have it picked out--ha. (There's one for the "never say never" department.)

CarmenSinCity said...

Love it!!!!!

Anonymous said...

ah you two are cute!!!

Anonymous said...

I like this blog tons better than his own blog,,,I understand this one!

Laisa said...

I am very happy for you! Anyone who can use the terms "ambient oxygen" and douchebag in the same paragraph is ok by me, LMAO!!!!