Yet another thing that can kiss my ass: Latisse

Okay, I know I’m the most vain person on earth, but even I’m not falling for this bullshit.

I’m talking about an article I just read in the Las Vegas Weekly, our weekly (duh) arts and entertainment magazine, about something called Latisse, “nightlife’s newest secret weapon.” Latisse is an FDA-approved prescription treatment that’s supposed to make your eyelashes long, thick and luxurious. It’s being hailed as a cost-effective alternative to “laborious and expensive lash-extension applications, which are being performed at boutiques and spas everywhere.”

Whoa, whoa, WHOA!

Are you telling me that now we’re supposed to be worried about the thickness of our f*cking eyelashes???

Evidently Brooke Shields is touting this stuff (insert sarcastic comment here). Look at the “before” picture.


Can you believe she had the nerve to leave the house like that? Well, thank God for Latisse—her career is sure to get back on track now. Lindsay Lohan, there’s hope for you, too!

Seriously, I find this ridiculous. Have you ever, ever looked at a pretty girl and thought too bad she's cursed with those stubby eyelashes? Guys, how many times were you on the brink of asking a woman out and then backed off because of her meager lash inventory?

Do women really need to be told that there’s one more area of inadequacy to worry about? I stopped logging into my MySpace page after being greeted with this:


Yeah, thanks.

Perhaps the most disturbing line in the Weekly piece was, “Latisse is letting cost-conscious ladies (and increasingly, men) stay competitive in an appearance –obsessed city…”

First, hold on, men are doing this? Sweet bearded Jesus, tell me they’re not straight. Because straight guys are getting into some pretty gay grooming habits these days, like going crazy with the eyebrow tweezers and over-trimming “down there.” Please, stop that shit. Women like men to be manly. We’ll have second thoughts if we’re unsure that you’ve actually made it through puberty.

And second, what the hell are we competing for? Whose attention are we trying to gain, and if long, thick eyelashes are the criterion for acceptance, do we really want to be a member of that club?

Imagine feeling so satisfied with your looks that you’d spend $1200 a year on this?

I’ve attained such a level of perfection, I’m afraid the only thing left is the eyelashes. I didn’t have anything else to spend that $1200 on… every vase in my house is in place, my charities are no longer accepting donations… thank you, Latisse!

Recession? What recession?

Hey, there’s no denying that only four days ago, I wrote “I think women should make every effort to look pretty.” Yes, I said that. And while I do believe we should take pride in our looks, I’m now taking back the “every effort” part. Enough is enough. Skimpy eyelashes aren’t going to make or break your looks.

To anyone who wants to appear more attractive instantly, I offer this simple advice:

1. Stand up straight.
2. Smile.

And to the drug companies, I say this:

Stop preying on people's insecurities and start finding a cure for cancer!