Thursday, October 8, 2009

The Golden Rule for the Prevention of Nagging

I am not a bitch. I admit, sometimes I can be a total asshole, but I’m not a bitch. There’s a difference, you know. And I’m not a nag, either.

I do, however, have an occasional vocal inflection that my kids used to call my “snotty voice.” It comes out when I’m frustrated and I can’t believe people are so f*cking stupid and I want to rip their heads off.

The other night I was talking to the president of the company that’s printing my book and, sad to say, I had to use my snotty voice. I always feel bad when my snotty voice comes out because I know I’m much nicer than that, but I reach a certain point where I can’t help it. If someone says they’re going to check on something and call me back tomorrow and then tomorrow comes and I never hear anything and then I have to call them back… well, don’t be surprised if my snotty voice seeps through. Because part of the frustration of my snotty voice is that now you’re making me sound like nag. And I'm not a nag.

Remember Hurricane Mikey’s post where he answered all my questions about the male perspective? His commenters made it clear that they hate it when women nag. So you want to know how to absolutely prevent nagging?

Do what you said you’ll do, at the time you said you’d do it.
It’s as simple as that.

Here’s a little quiz for the gals out there to find out whether you’re a nag or not. (Guys, make sure you pay attention, too.)

Let’s say your husband or boyfriend or whatever says he’ll mow the lawn Sunday afternoon. On Saturday afternoon, you say,

“Honey, don’t forget to mow the lawn tomorrow.”
Are you nagging?

YES! It’s best to assume he’ll honor his promise. In this case, “reminding” is just a nice name for “nagging.”

Okay, let’s say you overhead him making plans with his friends for Sunday afternoon. You say,

“Darling, I see you have plans for tomorrow afternoon. Does that mean you’ll be mowing the lawn in the morning?”
Are you nagging?

NO! You are justified in fearing he’ll renege on his promise. In this case, he may need to be reminded of his commitment.

Now let’s say it’s five o’clock Sunday afternoon. He’s watching the game and is on his third beer and it doesn’t look like he’s getting off the couch anytime soon. You say,

“My love, are you still planning to mow the lawn this afternoon?”
Are you nagging?

NO! Because by that time of day you have reason to believe there's no freakin' way that lawn will be mowed. And if your snotty voice seeps through, you’re totally justified.

And now it’s Wednesday and you’re looking at the overgrown grass in the yard. You say,

“Jesus Christ, how many times do I have to ask you to mow the goddamn lawn?”
Are you nagging?

HELL, NO! Again, the Golden Rule for the Prevention of Nagging:

Do what you said you’ll do, at the time you said you’d do it.
It’s as simple as that.

(On a related note, can you believe I still haven't heard from Mike about our "relationship retainer"?)


Julie D said...

Oh, I have long lived by that thought....just do what you said you'd do, and I won't ever have to mention it again. Why are men so dense that they cannot grasp this simple concept???

Josie said...

It all sounds like nagging to me. If he happens to mention he's going to mow the lawn then something else better comes up, well the lawn isn't going anywhere is it? :)

Josie said...

The publishing company is a different matter. They are being paid to do their job and not respecting their clients time is inexcusable. Besides, I'm eagerly awaiting my copy. Ugh, speaking of people being paid to do their jobs, I suppose I should go back to work. :)

Caz Wilson said...

Ooh I had a bit of this with Lover last night. I needed him to read the elecy meter as we've switched energy suppliers and I have no idea what I'm doing. The deadline for submitting the reading was today and I've been "reminding" him since about a week ago. He did do it last night thank heavens but I could hear my own snappy voice get louder and louder in my head!!


Liz said...

I nag and I'll admit it.

My DH has a tendency to forget he promised to do stuff (anything from mowing the lawn to helping with the dishes) so he gets nagged. His answer is usually, "nag, nag, nag" and then he purposly waits even longer to do his thing!! After 20 years, we are both used to each other's ways and it doesn't faze either one of us. :-)

The Peach Tart said...

I can't believe that Mike didn't take you up on the relationship retainer. It's such a great idea.

Tara said...

This is why I'm single. Then I don't have to nag anyone but myself when things don't get done...

On another note, wtf? Mike needs to give you a yay or nay on the relationship retainer. ha, i accidentally typed relationshit. Freudian slip i'm sure :)

Anonymous said...

I don't think I would recognize my non-snotty voice. UGH

classicrockforthesoul said...

You are my fairy godmother.

I <3 this post! :)

Malu Silverman said...

I don't like to nag either, esp. my husband, he's beyond nagging. I remind, and yes have to nag the kids, though.

But people who are paid to the get the job done and they don't do their job, they deserve nagging. They ought to be blacklisted too by my friends, relatives, and as many people that I could warn.

Relationship retainer - I think most men will be totally afraid of that:)

Mike Dennis said...

I agree with Josie. The lawn is no big deal and is NOT worth nagging (read: starting an argument which could escalate into a BIG argument) over. The publishing company is, as Josie says, a totally different story, and is well worth the deployment of your snotty voice. Why? Because it's business, and it's what they are paid to do.

On a side note, Linda, instead of "f*cking", why not spell it "fuck*ng"? That way, there won't be any confusion as to what you were trying to say.

Anonymous said...

Hold on there tenderfoot....

The point is that you had to remind him on the day of the work, or the next day. If my wife promises to cook me my favorite dish on Sunday, and we end up with rice and beans, I give her the benefit of the doubt.

Instead of nagging, women should show appreciation for their significant other by doing something nice. After they do something nice, say something like "this is for mowing the lawn every Sunday last week"

Thanks, I appreciate you. I both men and WOMEN did that, no nagging is needed.


Anonymous said...

I nag...I admit it..because I don't care if my car gets washed before the lawn gets mowed!!!

deborah said...

I wonder how long it would be before he started nagging if you closed your legs and let your "grass" get overgrown...but that's just me. I agree, sweetie. If you're not gonna do the fuckin lawn, don't say you'll do it. Let me paint a picture...let's say that on a regular basis, you didn't do whatever chores are usually yours? Say, laundry, supper, dishes, etc. Let's say you opted for watching a 48 hour South Park Marathon, or bleaching the cat? Perhaps if one has to go without clean underwear, clean dishes upon which to eat, or sustenance, one might realize how the world would go completely to Hell in a handbasket if we all just decided "Fuck it, I'm watchin' the game. There is no excuse for it. That's my two cents. I'm with ya, sister!
Much Love,