Thursday, December 16, 2010

Linda's rules for clean living

My two grandmothers couldn’t have been more opposite. Nana, my father’s mother, was a real “Judy Friendly.” She was extremely outgoing and would talk to everyone she met. Granny, my mother’s mother, pretty much kept to herself; all she needed was her soap operas and she was quite content to be left alone.

Like Granny, I certainly loved my soaps (R.I.P. Guiding Light and As the World Turns), but on a social level, I definitely take after Nana. That’s about where the similarities end; I’m so much more like Granny, especially when it comes to being a germ freak. Granny was a freakin' nut--hello, she stored her vacuum in a plastic bag so it wouldn’t get dirty. Although I’m not quite as bad, I am enough of a pain in the ass that after 6 weeks of living together I think I’m driving Mike insane.

Whatever. Personally, I don’t think my rules about germs are that hard to live by, but I want your opinion.  And don't think Mike is guilty of these--God knows I wouldn't be with him if he were--I'm just more aware of my neuroses now that I'm living with somebody.

So here goes...
"Linda's Rules for Clean Living"
1.  Never stir something, taste it, and then use the same spoon to stir some more. Hell, no! And don’t tell me the heat from cooking kills the germs. That's bullshit.

2.  Never put bare food on the countertops, even if you just washed it. Put it on a plate, napkin, or cutting board.

3.  Always wash your hands after going to the bathroom. Guys, that "But I didn't touch anything" excuse is so not going over.  Wash 'em.

4.  If you wipe your nose and then flush the Kleenex down the toilet, you still have to wash your hands. You just touched the same toilet handle people use after they’ve taken a shit.

5.  Always wash your hands before you cook, eat, set the table, or empty the dishwasher.

6.  Speaking of... use the freakin’ dishwasher, even if you live by yourself. I’m sorry, but there’s no way dishes get as clean when washing them by hand. The water in the dishwasher is hotter and there’s no nasty "all purpose" rag.

7.  If you do wash a pot or glass by hand, don’t dry it with the same towel everybody uses to dry their hands. Or more likely, the towel they use to wipe crap off their hands instead of washing them.  There should be two separate towels: one for hands, one for dishes.

8.  Don’t wipe your nose (or, God forbid, blow it) while you’re eating and then look at it.  There's nothing worse than eating with someone who's looking at their own snot, as fascinating as you think it might be.

9.  Don’t wipe your nose (or, God forbid, blow it) while you’re eating and then put the Kleenex on the table. I was on a date once and the guy did that.  Needless to say, there was no second date.  That's one of the reasons I tip so well in restaurants.  Those poor waitresses.  I've even seem people blow their noses into cloth napkins. Positively revolting.  Which leads me to…

10.  Handkerchiefs should be outlawed. You know why.

Do you see why I refuse to participate in pot luck gatherings?  Why I can't eat food from people's kitchens unless I know them?   Huh?

What do you think?  Do you have anything to add?  Or am I as nutty as Granny? 


Courtney Blackwell said...

Again...the acorn never fell. Oh, and you forgot to write that clipping finger nails is a bathroom project and all nails should be accounted for. They don't just disappear!

Vegas Linda Lou said...

OMG, Court! How did I forget that one? That's important, too!

Anonymous said...

Reading your list made me think of mine. All of what you said are legitimate. And oddly, I live by some and not others.

Like the taste thing - but I rarely cook for anyone else but myself. I don't have a dish washer, and let them drip dry. But I do hate a dish that hasn't been cleaned properly.

The restaurant things you mentioned are just gross. I'm sure that date is dead now from ebola, OR another date killing him for the offense.

I also always have BOTH toilet seats down. I don't like to brush my teeth and see toilet water. GROSSES ME OUT! Also, if something drops in the bathroom, which happens a lot, what are the chances of it landing in the toilet?! Keep that lid down!

I've begun using Clorox wipes for my remote. My roommate has a habit of picking his nose publicy as well and "warm his hands" in his underwear while lying around. I'm thinking of getting my own remote. Wearing a glove to change channels would be too obvious.

-Charles R.

Taradharma said...

never, ever use a kitchen sponge in the bathroom, and then return it to the kitchen. basic.

hey, thanks for your comment on my blog. i just purchased your book for a friend of mine who JUST moved out and left her husband of 17 years. She's pleased as punch, and I figure your book is the perfect Christmas present.

btw, when I was watching Stop Making Sense, I had my newborn baby strapped into her little snuggie on my chest. She's expecting her first baby, so perhaps she should continue the tradition.....

Lyn Robertson said...

These are the same things I've told my kids over and over and over...
This list is going to be printed and posted. Maybe they will get that I'm not the only one with a little decency. I will only add that NO ONE drink straight from the juice container or milk carton!

Kellee said...

You and I could totally be roommates. I'm with you on every single one of these. Plus, I have another dozen I could add. But I'll just add a couple. Absolutely no sponges, or wood cutting boards. Gross. The whole kitchen gets wiped with bleach after handling raw poultry. I have mad cross contamination issues. If you blow your nose, you should wash your hands just as you should if you sneeze into your hands. I also santize phones and remotes. The list goes on and on...

My mother-in-law doesn't believe in any of these rules. Her visits drive me insane. I chase after her with disinfectant and wash everything after she leaves.

Mortaine said...

Not only should you wash your hands after blowing your nose and flushing the kleenex... you should wash your hands after blowing your nose PERIOD. Full stop. Because hey, that kleenex did not keep 100% of the germs from hitting your hands, you know!

We don't have a dishwasher, so we just have to deal with the germs. Our biggest concern is washing the raw meat dishes, so sometimes I'll pour boiling water into the dishwater when doing those.

Best solution to the toilet and the toothbrush sharing a room? Don't let them share a room. I prefer separated bathroom/WC's for this purpose.

But cloth handkerchiefs are wonderful things and should not be outlawed. They just need to be thrown in the laundry EVERY TIME YOU USE THEM. Like underwear-- after a day's use, they're done.

Vegas Linda Lou said...

Oh, I am so feeling the love...

Babs said...

~Use a napkin instead of your sleeve
~Please do not comb your hair in the kitchen while I'm making dinner or any other time
~Brush your teeth more than once a day
~Change your underwear at least once a day
oh the list goes on and on....!