Linda's rules for clean living

My two grandmothers couldn’t have been more opposite. Nana, my father’s mother, was a real “Judy Friendly.” She was extremely outgoing and would talk to everyone she met. Granny, my mother’s mother, pretty much kept to herself; all she needed was her soap operas and she was quite content to be left alone.

Like Granny, I certainly loved my soaps (R.I.P. Guiding Light and As the World Turns), but on a social level, I definitely take after Nana. That’s about where the similarities end; I’m so much more like Granny, especially when it comes to being a germ freak. Granny was a freakin' nut--hello, she stored her vacuum in a plastic bag so it wouldn’t get dirty. Although I’m not quite as bad, I am enough of a pain in the ass that after 6 weeks of living together I think I’m driving Mike insane.

Whatever. Personally, I don’t think my rules about germs are that hard to live by, but I want your opinion.  And don't think Mike is guilty of these--God knows I wouldn't be with him if he were--I'm just more aware of my neuroses now that I'm living with somebody.

So here goes...

"Linda's Rules for Clean Living"

 

1.  Never stir something, taste it, and then use the same spoon to stir some more. Hell, no! And don’t tell me the heat from cooking kills the germs. That's bullshit.

2.  Never put bare food on the countertops, even if you just washed it. Put it on a plate, napkin, or cutting board.

3.  Always wash your hands after going to the bathroom. Guys, that "But I didn't touch anything" excuse is so not going over.  Wash 'em.

4.  If you wipe your nose and then flush the Kleenex down the toilet, you still have to wash your hands. You just touched the same toilet handle people use after they’ve taken a shit.

5.  Always wash your hands before you cook, eat, set the table, or empty the dishwasher.

6.  Speaking of... use the freakin’ dishwasher, even if you live by yourself. I’m sorry, but there’s no way dishes get as clean when washing them by hand. The water in the dishwasher is hotter and there’s no nasty "all purpose" rag.

7.  If you do wash a pot or glass by hand, don’t dry it with the same towel everybody uses to dry their hands. Or more likely, the towel they use to wipe crap off their hands instead of washing them.  There should be two separate towels: one for hands, one for dishes.

8.  Don’t wipe your nose (or, God forbid, blow it) while you’re eating and then look at it.  There's nothing worse than eating with someone who's looking at their own snot, as fascinating as you think it might be.

9.  Don’t wipe your nose (or, God forbid, blow it) while you’re eating and then put the Kleenex on the table. I was on a date once and the guy did that.  Needless to say, there was no second date.  That's one of the reasons I tip so well in restaurants.  Those poor waitresses.  I've even seem people blow their noses into cloth napkins. Positively revolting.  Which leads me to…

10.  Handkerchiefs should be outlawed. You know why.

Do you see why I refuse to participate in pot luck gatherings?  Why I can't eat food from people's kitchens unless I know them?   Huh?

What do you think?  Do you have anything to add?  Or am I as nutty as Granny?