Thursday, August 18, 2011

I TOLD you we're a reality show waiting to happen...

Moving is never simple, but thanks to Purgefest 2010, I’m down to my essentials so vacating Linda Land is no big deal. My beloved Michael, however, is a bit of a pack rat. He has a ton of possessions he’s collected over the years as well as all the stuff that goes with having little kids. We’re moving into a big house, though, and there’s room for everything. Almost.

It’s fun putting a new place together; I look at it as a creative endeavor. Sure, lugging heavy crap up and down stairs is a pain, but I consider it exercise. Something has to make up for my atrocious nutritional habits lately—it’s hard to cook when you’re moving, so we’ve been eating out and hitting the fast food joints a lot lately. I feel fat as Elvis after Christmas dinner.

I’m digging it, though, especially the challenge of merging our two different—make that polar opposite—tastes in home décor. I don’t have time to post pictures today, but I go for vibrant, playful Southwest colors and designs and Mike’s taste is pure medieval. I’m talking giant heavy brass mirrors, statues, and swords. Lots of swords. And shields. I fully expect to come home some day to find he’s installed a moat and drawbridge.

With the exception of the TV and the sectional couch in the family room, every bit of Mike’s furniture looks like it was from a nineteenth century New England estate sale. I know it’s all good, expensive stuff, but I find it so depressing. Everything—everything—is some shade of brown. Okay, his ensemble in the formal living room is a cheery brownish, tanish gray.

When I saw the glass sofa table and Victorian wing chair arrangement he set up in one corner, I said, “I’m looking for the guest book.”


“You know, the guest book you sign when you walk into a wake.” I pointed to the candelabra. “We can lay out the body over there.”

I’m talkin’ total 1942 funeral parlor, people.

So you can see it’s a bit of a challenge. Like where exactly do I put my crystals and native American sand paintings and Kokopellis? Where’s the best place for the funky green shag carpet I bought a couple of years ago at Walmart? How do you think my beloved fake dog, Stiff, is gonna look next to Mike’s statue of Joan of Arc on a marble pedestal? (Stiff would look awesome on that pedestal, BTW.)

These are the challenges I face. To put it in perspective, all Obama has to do is fix the economy.

Mike is so, so good about my crap. It has to drive him nuts, but (unlike me) he never says a word. Seriously—this is no exaggeration—except for my car, TV and laptop, I might not have one possession worth more than fifty bucks. But it’s all priceless—it brings me joy.

And you know what? I’m not so sure that Mike’s possessions—as fine and aristocratic as they are—bring him joy. Sure, I know he’s fond of a few things, but I get the impression that most of it was purchased to fill space. He holds onto stuff because he got a good deal on it, not because he loves it. So in a way, my crap is actually more valuable. My crap brings me joy.

Still, Mike’s a freakin’ saint. Just for yuks, last night I told him I found this really cool decoration I want to buy.

“You know those pictures of dogs playing cards?” I said, brimming with enthusiasm. “It’s like that except it’s battery operated and—get this—the dogs’ cigars actually light up.”

I shouldn’t do that to him. He has small children and I’m not current on my CPR.


diana said...

Too funny! Love it. Wish you two the best.

K A B L O O E Y said...

HA! You MUST post pictures. Does he have a suit of armor? And I've got to say, a moat and drawbridge would be pretty cool and cut down on solicitations.

Mellodee said...

One of the advantages of a loooong marriage is that my guy and I grew up together (so to speak) and we learned about taste, and style, color, and design together, too! So our home reflect a mix of things that reflect what we both have learned. I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like to try to blend divergent styles. I bet compromise will be the most important thing that gets you from "your's and mine" to "ours"! Good luck!

Vegas Linda Lou said...

Thanks, Diana!

Kablooey, you're onto something about the solicitations. No more Jehovah's Witnesses!

Mellodee, "compromise" is a C word.

Tender Heart Bear said...

There is a compromise to this. You can have one room and he can have another room for your things. That is what I would ask my boyfriend. Just ask him if he would be willing to do that for you. No harm in asking something like that so that you are happy.

I wish you both the best!♥

Julie D said...

I have seen the pictures of his stuff before, if you recall. SCARY.

From a design standpoint I have no idea how you're gonna blend those two total opposite tastes into one somewhat tasteful house.

BUT....Penny will be out there soon, ask her. She's the best interior designer I know!

Debbie said...

old stuff and antiques scare me. I once heard Billy Bob Thornton say the same thing ... he was afraid of antiques. I felt so relieved! I'm with you on the decor ... see! once again proof that we're related somehow, someway. GOOD LUCK!!!!! ENJOY AND BE HAPPEEEEE!

Great post.