Demi Moore, I want to be your girlfriend

No doubt you've heard about Demi Moore's recent hospitalization.  I feel for her, I really do.  There's been a lot of unflattering press about her lately--she's addicted to drugs, she's obsessed with her looks, she fears getting older and becoming unattractive, blah-blah-blah...  Nobody knows what her life is really like.  I just want her to win. 

Demi's a tough cookie who wasn't born into a life of privilege like so many actresses--she's no Jane Fonda or Tori Spelling or Kate Hudson. 

• Her biological parents were married for two months and her father left her 18-year-old mother before she was born.
• Her stepfather frequently changed jobs and moved the family a total of 40 times.
• Her home life was shaped by parents who were into drinking, arguing, and beating until her stepfather finally committed suicide.
• She had to wear an eye patch during childhood due to operations on her left eye. 
• Demi quit school at 16 and married rocker Freddie Moore at 18

She's a self-made woman, to be sure.

One of the best compliments I ever get is when women tell me I'm a "girl's girl."  I am; I'm a real girlfriend.  I love men, of course, but I'm all about girl power.  If Demi were one of my girlfriends, here's what I'd tell her, in the nicest way possible:

1. Look, you're gonna be 50 this year.  Aging is not a death sentence for your good looks.  There are plenty of beautiful role models who are a lot older than you, but the thing is, beauty emerges from the inside out.  Be thankful for everything you have--gratitude shows on your face as beauty.
2. Speaking of what shows on your face, you gotta quit smoking.  Nothing ages a face faster than cigarettes.
3. Give up the Whip-its and "special cigarettes."  You're too old for that shit.  You have daughters and need to set an example.
4. Gain some weight, I beg of you. At 5'5" you should tip the scales at least around 130. 
5. Ashton was an asshole.  I hate that he was such a cheater.  On top of that, he's weird looking. You deserve so much better.
6. Let me send you a copy of Bastard Husband: A Love Story. 
7. Next time, go for a guy your own age.  You won't have to worry so much about your looks; 50-something men are noticing changes in their own bodies and are very forgiving of the "imperfections" that come with the normal aging process.  They're not looking for perfection; they want someone real.  Except the 50-year-old midlife crisis guys who think they should be dating girls in their 20s.  But you don't want them, anyway.
8. Oh, and tell the next guy that if he ever cheats on you, he will wake up some morning with his bloody balls in his hands. You're an actress; I know you can say that very convincingly.
9. Keep in mind that even though we don't know you, there are so many people out there who love you.  We're all sending our best wishes.