Thursday, August 9, 2012

Repost: I'm problematic, you're problematic

I read another blogger's post yesterday where she said something to the effect that her friends were rolling their eyes about her current boyfriend.  That got me to thinking that it wouldn't be a bad idea to repost the following, from last July.  At the time, I was living in Linda Land and Mike and I were "on a break," and yes, and that was only a year ago. I have a lot of new reader since then--and a lot of them are men--so I'd love for you to weigh in.

The other day one of my best friends (who doesn't read this blog) emailed me and asked if I was back with Mike yet.  "You don't have a good history of ridding yourself of problematic men," she wrote.  "As a matter of observation, I would say you are magnetized to them."

Um, just how am I supposed to react to that? 

I suppose I could start by asking, who the fuck isn't problematic?  By the time we're 50, most of us have a shitload of baggage and personal idiosyncrasies that would drive anyone up the wall.  It's not like when we were in college and were pretty much a lump of clay yet to be molded. 

We all sit somewhere on the "problematic" scale and granted, some of us weigh in a lot more heavily than others.  Bastard Husband was/still is a drinker and that was definitely a problem in our marriage.  In comparison, Mike's a lightweight.  He's a certifiable genius, but that brilliance can be a freakin' curse when it comes to day-to-day life skills.  Add young children into the mix, plus the fact that I'm a self-diagnosed "Highly Sensitive Person" (a.k.a. "Pain in the Fucking Ass") and we have a perfect storm.

Those of us in our 40s, 50s, and beyond have decades of experiences under our belts that form the basis of who we are and how we look at life. As a result, the older we get, the more we're set in our ways. We know what works for us and what doesn't.  In effect, and especially for a picky-ass person like me, the window of relationship opportunity is open just a crack.  It gets harder to find someone who has the winning combination of personal characteristics, professional accomplishments, logistics (such as availability and geographic location), and chemistry that we look for in a partner. 

So when I find someone I really dig and fall in love with, yes, I will leave no stone unturned to see if somehow we can make this work.  If you read my book you know I would have done anything to save my marriage to B.H.; I call it a love story for a reason.  And I can't tell you how many times I've hit the wall of frustration with Mike only to go back with him, believing there has to be some way to keep this together. 

I don't often get defensive, mostly because I don't give a crap what people think, but I find my friend's remarks insulting.  I continue to be amazed at what people, I'm gonna say married people, will say to us single folks.  I swear, someday my eyeballs will need to be surgically removed from my cerebellum. 

So single folks, tell me about the crazy shit you hear. And for those of you living in wedded bliss, here's the link to a post I wrote a while back on what you should never say to single people.  Please, I beg of you, read this!

And for the record, Bastard Husband is a professor with a Ph.D. and Mike's a computer wiz and successful businessman who was able to retire at 38. That's the caliber of men I'm magnetized to.


raydenzel1 said...

I would marry you!

I think...

Taradharma said...

those remarks are highly insensitive. Though these may be her observations, she should have simply inquired about you and Mike. Sheesh.

At 55, and single, people aren't making that many remarks to me, thank goodness. And my girlfriend, whom I am DATING, is getting the thumbs up from everyone. But my younger sister did tell me recently, unsolicited, that I seem to be addicted to dramatic relationships and that if this current woman seems 'normal' it may be a difficult adjustment for me.

I took offense. I may have been in dramatic relationships but I got out of them because of the drama. And why did she feel the need (married 25 years) to tell me this?

Julie D said...

OK first things does one of your best friends NOT know you've been married for over 8 months now???? Total strangers know that about you!

Second, I had to laugh at the little Freudian slip you wrote.."I continue to be amazed at what people, I'm gonna say married people, will say to us single folks." You ain't single no more, baby. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Gina D. said...

I'm pretty fortunate that most of my friends don't bug me about being single... There is one friend (whom I love, but he can be a real pain in the ass) who will ask me when I'm getting married (mainly, from what I understand, because he wants a fun wedding to go to). And since I have been single almost my entire life, I usually just tell him, "Don't worry, I'll marry the first guy who asks me, and you'll be the first to know..." What can you say to something like that, really? Fortunately I have a good sense of humor about myself and such things.

The worst though is when married or non-single friends want to set you (well, me) up. It is soooooo uncomfortable for me. I know they have good intentions, but it is basically like them saying "we just don't want to see you alone." Well, I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life either or constantly be stuck hanging out with couples, but I also don't want to get involved with someone just because it'll make YOU feel better.

Julie D said...

I am such a dumb ass. I totally missed the part that this was a REPOST of something from last year.

Ignore my comments. My blonde roots were showing.

Anonymous said...

I think it's horrible to judge someone's choices in that manner. You love who you love and someone so judgemental doesn't deserve the time of day. But then again, I'm a biatch.

Vegas Linda Lou said...

@ R Jacob: Like I always say, aim higher1

@ Tara: Yeah, I'd be pissed if someone said that to me. Figures she's been married 25 years--I think that gives people license to say things like that.

@ Julie: I love you no matter what, even those blond roots.

@ Gina: You hit the nail on the head--it's all about them. They don't want to see you alone because they would be scared shitless to be alone. Good intentions or not, it's annoying.

@ Anonymous: You're in good company, biatch.