Ever since back in 1968 when I witnessed my mother hurling a box of Whitman chocolates across the dining table, I’ve known Valentine’s Day was a crock. And from the looks of this post from last week, you all know it, too.
V-Day is especially tough for single people. Yes, this year I’m in a relationship (and I was last year, too) and God willing, Mike is the last one for me. Sure, sometimes I swear he rides the short bus to his Mensa meetings and more than once I’ve seriously wanted to kill him, but he is really cute and I’m crazy about him, so blah, blah, blah, you know?
That said, since my first husband and I split up in 1994, I’ve been in a relationship for a total of six Valentine’s Days—this will be my second with Mike, I had three with Bastard Husband, and one with my old boyfriend Tim. That means I’ve experienced eleven as a single gal.
As many of you know, people say the stupidest goddamn things to single people. Here’s a list of my favorites, and by “favorites” I mean do not ever let these words roll off your tongue or I will march right over to your house and kick your ass.
1. “I wish you could find someone nice.” OMG, that’s f*cking brilliant! Hold on, let me write that down.
2. “You know what they say--you gotta kiss a lot of frogs.” Why don’t you just say, “Holy shit, you sure know how to pick a bunch of losers” because that’s essentially what you’re getting at.
3. “I hate to see you by yourself.” No, you hate the thought of YOU being by yourself. Don’t project your insecurities onto someone who happens to be going solo.
4. “You’d think a good-looking woman like you would have no problem finding someone.” Hmm… maybe I should look behind the couch.
5. “You’re too picky.” Oh, right—I haven’t met my frog quota yet.
6. “You’re trying too hard to meet someone. When it’s right it will just happen.” Okay, go get me something to hit you with.
And by far, the most annoying:
7. “Maybe you’re just meant to have some time alone.” Single people spend WAY too much time alone—the last thing they need to hear is this bullshit.
What did I miss? Anything you want to add?