Saturday, February 6, 2010

Bastard Husband winners, no double dipping, and another timely repost

First things first. Congratulations to Andi and Perplexio--you're the lucky winners of the Bastard Husband: A Love Story giveaway, just in time for Valentine's Day. Please email your contact info to and I'll get your books right out to you. (My Aussie gals Carol in Perth and Linda Twaddle--would you kindly email me as well?) Thanks to all who entered!

So tomorrow is Super Bowl Sunday, and for once I actually know who's playing: the New Orleans Saints and somebody else. I know that only because I love New Orleans. Anyway, yesterday on the radio they were talking about Super Bowl parties and people who double dip. They said there’s like a billion bits of bacteria that get transmitted that way. Disgusting, right?

Then somebody called in and said the solution is to break the chip in half and then dip each piece separately. THAT’S EVEN WORSE!!! In my way of thinking, the billions of germs festering on the person’s hands when they broke the chip have now made their way into the dip, which means the dip is now full of everything everyone has touched and don’t even get me going on those people who leave the bathroom without washing their hands. Call me crazy, but this is why I eat at home before I go to a party. (My own germs are friendly fire.)

Anyway, since tomorrow’s the Super Bowl, I thought I’d dig up this post from last year. Have a great weekend, and NO DOUBLE DIPPING!

Repost: "It's okay, I like men, too"

Anyone who knows me also knows I am a BIG proponent of gay rights. I have a beloved and quirky lesbian aunt and half my girlfriends have real-life girlfriends. Don’t forget my long-standing celebrity girl-crush on Beverly d’Angelo—how many times have I said I’d make the perfect (lipstick) lesbian?

I’m the first to admit I’m one of those super-annoying girly girls. I wouldn’t be caught dead without nail polish, and my toes are always painted a pretty shade of pink, even if no one sees them all winter. I put on lipstick just to get the mail. I mean, look at my picture—I’m wearing a freakin’ tiara!

So never in a million years would I think I’d talk about football on my blog. In my opinion, there are only two sports: figure skating and gymnastics. And unlike the rest of the world, I sure as hell didn’t celebrate Super Bowl Sunday because football is so not me. It’s loud and, frankly, I just don’t get it. At least in basketball, when you make a basket, you get points. Baseball—you round home plate, you get a run. But football, with all those first downs and everything… I’ve had it explained to me, but it just never sinks in.

To me, the most puzzling mystery surrounding football is why so many super-manly macho men are into it in such a big way, especially since, well, obviously… Football is gay.

Oh, pull-eeeze… You have a bunch of guys making passes at each other in skin-tight pants, for Christsake! And what could be more gay than huddling?

Oh, I know: tackling. (You realize they’re tickling each other while they’re down there, don’t you?) Even after the player’s already on the ground, there’s always the guy who still has to jump on top of everyone, just for the sheer pleasure of diving into a pile of testosterone. (Not that I blame him—I probably would, too.)

Don’t get me going on all the hugging and ass patting that goes on in the end zone.

Of course, after the game they all take naked showers together and, to soothe those aching muscles, rub each other down with what else but Ben-GAY.

Even the names of the teams: the Rams… the Packers (ouch).

No doubt the Oilers left town and changed their name to the Titans for fear of being outed. Even the Cowboys and the Chiefs… tell me that doesn’t sound a little "Village People" to you.

It’s okay, guys. Women love gay men! Yeah, yeah, I know… most of you don’t play yourselves, you just like to watch.

Eeew… that’s just sick.

11 comments: said...

There's some truth to that! Why the tight pants? Plus, it's the only safe way they get to pat each other without being mistaken for a personal foul.

I am rooting for the Saints, just cause Boo is.

Carol said...

Hi Linda,

I just purchased a copy of your book through your blog and I simply can't wait to read it. Could I please get you to sign my copy. Also, what do I do bout the postage costs? Simply let me know the cost and I will send you the money.

Perth WA :)

gayle said...

Love it!!! My feelings exactely!!

Donna B. said...

I KNOW!! Dips freak me out too...and I loved your hilarious football post... :}

Bar L. said...


I may have to print this one out and hand it to my brother when I show up for halftime, and then leave.

Anonymous said...


That's why I put a spoon in my dip in hopes that people put the dip on their plate!

Perplexio said...

Thank you so much Linda, I'll email my address when I get home form work!

Oh and your observations about football are pretty funny. While I enjoy watching the game I prefer hockey (which it could be argued is even more testoserone fueled-- in what other sport do you get to take a "5 minute break" for getting into a fight?)

Stephanie said...

LOL Oh this is a fabuous post! I always wondered how it was that all those big macho guys were so comfortable patting each others butts. This explains everything!

I Hate to Weight said...

double-dipping is repulsive BUT a part of me figures - the less i know the better. if i didn't see it, it didn't happen. i kind of figure that the more germs i get in me, the better my immune system. i love restaurants, but i've worked in a lot of them and know what can get on that dinner plate. so, what can you do?

when i lived in nyc, i just crossed my fingers and hoped my immune system was just getting stronger and stronger on a daily basis. i don't get colds or flus (now i've jinxed myself), so who knows.

re; football. of course, it's gay. i'm always explaining to my fiance that they're men in brightly colored spandex pants jumping all over each other. if aliens were looking down at a football game, what would they think of us?

i've watched many games, under duress of course, and have no idea what's going on.

Kathy said...

I have read your blog for over a year and I have never once posted but this article just had me cracking up laughing. This is so true. You are a brillant writer.

Darlene said...

This is the first time I have visited your Blog. You are very funny. I have not been to a Blog that has made me laugh like yours. Football, so true and in my house the same thing. I admit to watching a little of the Super Bowl, but was in it for the commercials that were not worth my time, and the food that we put together and was delicious. I just read the top of your Blog and now I realize why the humor is so good. I hope I have not duplicated my comment as our router just temporarily flipped out and I had try posting my comment again.