Thursday, December 4, 2008

If I'm so queer, why aren't I a lesbian?

I fancy myself as being kind of hip. Okay, that in itself is a really unhip thing to say, but you know what I mean—I doubt anyone thinks of me as an old fart. But for such a cool chick, sometimes I can be queer as hell.

When I was a kid, I had a collection of imaginary friends--all cowboys--and I liked to pretend I was Hoss and Little Joe’s kid sister. I even wrote to the powers that be at Bonanza suggesting they write in such a part for me. “I’ve never been on a horse,” I told them, “but I’m willing to learn.” (Very industrious, even at such a young age.)

As an adult, I still catch myself pretending. For instance, I hate washing my kitchen floor, so to motivate myself, I pretend Princess Diana and JFK, Jr. came back to life and are coming over to my apartment for dinner. Um, how queer is that?

Sometimes my sister Lori and I do the Buns of Steel video together. During the hard parts, she gives the guy the finger, but I put on a pretty-face smile because I pretend I’m auditioning to be one of the exercisers in the background. When I told Lori my strategy, she literally fell over screaming, "Oh my GOD, you are so queer!"

Shall I keep going? Okay... If I’m in a situation where I have to deal with someone who I think is a real a-hole but I have to be nice anyway, I pretend one of my family members needs a kidney and that person is the only suitable donor. Queer. And whenever I go out to see some music by myself, I sit at the bar and pretend the cutest guy in the band is my boyfriend. Superqueer.

So if I'm so queer, why aren't I a lesbian? Because I'm just not that smart.

5 comments:

CarmenSinCity said...

I love your buns of steel strategy! I used to do that video all of the time - it's good stuff.

I love your blog! Thanks for the link. I added you too.

Your biggest fan said...

Since I know that cooking is not your forte, I can't help but wonder what culinary delight you would serve when John and Diana come for dinner? Oh well, at least they will be able to eat it off the floor.

You really are strange!

Linda Lou said...

If John-John and Diana came to dinner, I would definitely serve my specialty: macaroni and cheese. I got the recipe off the elbow macaroni box about 20 years ago. It's delicious, and I bet my guests would really enjoy eating like commoners. And after dinner, I would take them bowling.

Lori Biker said...

I am sorry to say that even though I AM your biggest fan,,,I did not write that comment. You must have another biggest fan. I do think you are sooo queer though, that's true. I am sure that someday you will get picked for the Buns video,,,then I will be giving you the finger during the hard parts.

Tasha said...

I love Buns of Steel! It was so nice to finally meet you at the LLV party. You seem very sweet and charming....and very straight. haha! Keep in touch!