Thursday, March 4, 2010

Are you cloggin’ your toilet with a hundred dollar meal?

You know I’m a picky eater, right? You’ve heard this before—I was 18 before I tried cream cheese and 36 before I got the nerve to down a chick pea. You couldn’t pay me a thousand dollars to eat a banana, or ten thousand to chew on a stalk of celery. There’s food I won’t touch with a 10-foot fork just because I don’t like the sound of it, such as sushi, soy, guacamole… the list goes on.

So remember the luncheon I went to last Thursday, where I heard Marie Osmond speak? We all had a menu in the middle of our table setting. Not a menu as in “you have a choice of what you want”; a menu as in “this is what you’re getting.” I stopped reading after I saw this list of appetizers.
Petite Tarte Tatin of Mission Fig
Crispy Leek with Goat Cheese and Pomegranate
Forest Mushroom, Roasted Yellow Tomato, Wilted Arugula
I don’t know what the hell “tarte tatin” is, but let’s add “fig” to the list of things I would never eat unless they’re forcing it down my throat in a POW work camp. Leek? No. Goat cheese? No way; I don’t like the sound of goat anything. Pomegranate? No idea what it is, but I don’t like the sound of that, either. Yellow tomato? That’s just plain wrong; tomatoes are red. And God know what arugula is, but I have a word for wilted food: garbage.

You can see why the fancy-schmancy restaurants don’t do it for me. I once returned gazpacho because it was cold—my sister Lori will never let me live that down. I’m sorry, but soup should be hot.

Fine dining? You can have it. I look at a hundred dollar meal and think of all the cute little tops I could buy at Ross-Dress-for-Less. Give me a big-ass plate of chocolate crepes at the Pancake House in Green Valley Ranch—that’s what brings me joy! Or how about this awesome meal my brother, brother-in-law and I enjoyed Monday night at my favorite cheapskate casino, Ellis Island?


Meat, potatoes, and vegetable—that’s a meal I can understand! It also came with soup and a delicious microbrew. All for $6.99.

This may sound gross, but let's face it: food is just future shit. Drunken cipollini onions and tomato confit with sauce berre rouge will be flushed away in a matter of hours, but my cute little Ross Dress-for-Less tops will be hanging in my closet for a good long time.

13 comments:

Tara said...

HAHAHAHA, I love it. I too am a meat and potatoes kind of girl.

Lorna said...

Oh my goodness, you had me salivating with the fancy meals (figs? Are you kidding? LOVE those!) and the steak and potatoes one (especially the green beans, hehe). I used to hate guacamole growing up, but a few years ago when eating raw, I fell in love with them (season with lime/cilantro/cumin/cayenne), topped with pica de gallo...well then. But you are so right, it all ends up going down the toilet at some point, or so you hope...

Fragrant Liar said...

I'm with you on the fancy schmancy stuff. If I can't pronounce it or it takes more than two words to describe it, it's too much brain drain to process and I'd rather the stuff I'm seeing in your photo there.

Now this is something that needs to go on a koozie: "Food is just future shit."

classicrockforthesoul said...

I'm so with you on this. I've been really picky about food my whole life too. I like really plain, simple foods.

Whenever I'm at a luncheon where you have no say in what you get, the bread is my best friend. :)

Danica said...

OMG I'm so with you on those fancy meals. If I can't pronounce it, I won't eat it! I was like you...didn't try cream cheese until I was in my late 20's and never had a tomatoe until I was 30!!!!

I'll take a steak please....

The Vegas Flea said...

Nice rant there LL. :)

I'm with ya, mostly. I will however, throw down some bucks every once and a while for a nice steak and some good wine.

I Hate to Weight said...

ick -- figs, goat cheese and anything wilted.

hope this isn't too much TMI-- once i consulted at a "fancy" company. one evening they "treated" us to dinner at one of the top restaurants in NYC. We drank wildly priced wine (how much can grapes cost?) and ate outrageously (and i do mean outrageously) priced food.

the meal (and way too much red wine )seriously upset my stomach and the contents didn't remain in my tummy for very long. i remember thinking that you can get the same sick on a one dollar or hundreds. in the end, it does all end up the same.

hope the story wasn't too gross.

Julie said...

I haven't had a steak in ages but that looks damn good!

We're totally going to Ellis Island when I come out there!

Donna B said...

Linda, we have to talk....

Barbara said...

For some reason this post made me laugh so hard. I could hear you talking and saying all this and you are just so damn hysterical.

I needed to laugh out loud...thanks!

Pomegranates are good but a pain to eat, not worth the effort.

Debbie said...

I have never tasted cottage cheese in my life. I hate all cheeses. Especially if it's melted on something .... just the thought of it makes me wanna gag. I USED to be a picky eater ... now, except for the above mentioned dairy, I'll eat anything that doesn't eat me first.

Signed,

Big Fat Pig

I Hate to Weight said...

i once worked for a company where they were always taking us to fancy/shmancy restaurants. after one of these OUTRAGEOUSLY expensive places, montezuma took some serious revenge on me. i remember thinking -- whether the restaurant had five stars or golden arches, it's all the same in the end.

gayle said...

Now I am starving and I just ate supper!! That steak looked so good!! I'm with you I didn't know what half that stuff was. Did you eat anything?