Saturday, February 5, 2011

Super Bowl Sunday... We'll Have a Gay Old Time

I understand that tomorrow's the Super Bowl, right?  Not being a football fan (too much racket for me), I don't pay much attention.  In fact, when it comes to the Super Bowl, I feel like a Jewish person on  Christmas Eve--all that hub-bub that simply doesn't apply to me and it's a good time to go to the movies.

At any rate, I thought I'd pull out an updated version of this perennial favorite that, like Courtney's take on Martin Luther King Day, just doesn't get old.  Hope those of you who celebrate have lots of fun, and I don't care how much you drink and eat at your Super Bowl parties, just NO DOUBLE DIPPING!

Super Bowl Sunday... We'll Have a Gay Old Time

Anyone who knows me also knows I am a BIG proponent of gay rights. I have a beloved and quirky lesbian aunt and half my girlfriends have real-life girlfriends. Don’t forget my long-standing celebrity girl-crush on Beverly d’Angelo—how many times have I said I’d make the perfect (lipstick) lesbian?

I’m the first to admit I’m one of those super-annoying girly girls. I wouldn’t be caught dead without nail polish, and my toes are always painted a pretty shade of pink, even if no one sees them all winter. I put on lipstick just to get the mail. I mean, I wearing a freakin’ tiara!

So never in a million years would I think I’d talk about football on my blog. In my opinion, there are only two sports: figure skating and gymnastics. And unlike the rest of the world, I sure as hell didn’t celebrate Super Bowl Sunday because football is so not me. It’s loud and, frankly, I just don’t get it. At least in basketball, when you make a basket, you get points. Baseball—you round home plate, you get a run. But football, with all those first downs and everything… I’ve had it explained to me, but it just never sinks in.

To me, the most puzzling mystery surrounding football is why so many super-manly macho men are into it in such a big way, especially since, well, obviously… Football is gay.

Oh, pull-eeeze… You have a bunch of guys making passes at each other in skin-tight pants, for Christsake! And what could be more gay than huddling?

Oh, I know: tackling. (You realize they’re tickling each other while they’re down there, don’t you?) Even after the player’s already on the ground, there’s always the guy who still has to jump on top of everyone, just for the sheer pleasure of diving into a pile of testosterone. (Not that I blame him—I probably would, too.)

Don’t get me going on all the hugging and ass patting that goes on in the end zone.  My Beautiful Ivory Girl co-worker says that if they weren't wearing helmets, they'd be running their fingers through each others' hair. So true!

Of course, after the game they all take naked showers together and, to soothe those aching muscles, rub each other down with what else but Ben-GAY.

Even the names of the teams: the Rams… the Packers (ouch).

No doubt the Oilers (eew!) left town and changed their name to the Titans for fear of being outed. Even the Cowboys and the Chiefs… tell me that doesn’t sound a little "Village People" to you. 

It’s okay, guys. Women love gay men! Yeah, yeah, I know… most of you don’t play yourselves, you just like to watch.

That’s just sick.


Mike Dennis said...

Then basketball must be even gayer, Linda. All those sweaty guys in short shorts and tank tops rubbing up against each other!

Vegas Linda Lou said...

Excellent point, Mike! And let's not forget wrestling...

Gina D. said...

Ha! This is awesome Linda! I, too, could not care less about football--it seems to take them forever to score points and the points system.... why do they get 7 points for a touchdown? How does all of that work... ? Aww who cares! And I won't even go into the issue with the commercials... really? There aren't more inventive and interesting things for us to be entertained by then a company spending millions of dollars for a 30 second pitch to sell us their stupid product? Ok... I guess I did go into the commercials but that's all I have to say.

This was also the first I read (or heard) about Courtney and her thoughts on MLK day and I laughed so hard I almost cried. Thanks for sharing both of these pieces again! Enjoy the empty theaters tomorrow night!!

Mike Dennis said...

And how about bowling? The balls are bigger.

Liz said...

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE football (and the fact the my Green Bay Packers will be bringing the Lombardi trophy HOME) but I have to agree that the sport does seem pretty gay!! These guys are all over each other!! :-) Although, if I was getting paid that kind of money, I might just do the same types of things!!