My new goal: Dancing with the Stars

No kidding! Wouldn’t that be so cool?

I love to dance, though I’m not the greatest dancer. I don’t know steps or anything—I wish! My mother is a fantastic dancer, but she grew up in the time when everyone learned ballroom dancing. Unless they were caught up in the disco era, most people my age never actually learned to dance—we just get out there and do our own thing.

I dance like a white chick and when I’ve had a few beers in me, I dance like a drunken white chick. I can only describe my style as half Grateful Dead interpretive, half stripper. And I’m talking Tuesday afternoon stripper. If anyone ever taped me on the dance floor, the You Tube video would probably go viral, second only to a video of me doing karaoke.

Whenever a guy asks me to dance, I respond with this goofy/flirty “I don’t know how” and invariably he says, “That’s okay, just follow me.” Then after we’re dancing for like 30 seconds he says, “Oh, do you want to lead?” because evidently I can’t follow anyone. No, I have to be the one in control. You can’t tell me what to do!

I took several years of ballet as a teenager and into my 20s and 30s, but in ballet everything’s all mapped out; you know exactly what’s going on if you remember to just follow the course. I can’t have someone twirling me around on a whim. No sir.

I have issues, people. Duh.

So I’m a long way from my DWTS debut. Not to mention I’ll need to achieve some degree of fame before that can happen—they don’t call it Dancing with the Nobodys—which means I need to become a famous author, which means I need to sell a lot more copies of Bastard Husband: A Love Story.

You can help me achieve my goal!

Buy a signed copy through PayPal right here in this site (free shipping and cheaper than Amazon). Read some excerpts first if you want. Bastard Husband makes a great… um, Mother’s Day gift (?) Or summer’s coming—it’s the perfect book for lying on the beach. Yeah, that’s it.

So help me out, huh? Before I decided to end my show, I ordered another stash of books to sell after my performance. I’d love to reduce my inventory—the more books you buy, the lighter my load when I take off next month.

Take off? Did I say that out loud?