Buns of Steel, here I come!

At one point during the Leonard Cohen concert last Sunday night, two of the backup singers did a cartwheel together. (I told you this show was amazing.) Their agility prompted my boyfriend to whisper, “Can you do that?”

Easy answer. I told him I haven’t done a cartwheel in probably 20 years, and attempting one now would certainly land me in traction for the rest of the summer. No, cartwheels are a part of my past that I’m sure I’ll never return to. Just like Coors Light. But then I started to wonder, “Can I still do a split?” Hmmm.

I never thought I’d say this, but… I may be getting old.


The ability to do a split has always been my personal barometer of aging; as long as I could still entertain my friends and family by making an a-hole of myself on the dance floor (or in this case, on the bar) at the end of a particularly spirited song—usually courtesy of Talking Heads or some zydeco artist—I knew my youth was still intact. But the truth is, I’m not sure if I still have it in me. That’s a scary thought.

My sister Lori snapped that picture back in May 2005 when I was a mere 47 years old. A bunch of us were in Molly’s on the Market, our favorite bar in the French Quarter of New Orleans. We go down there every year for JazzFest. Well, almost every year; since 1994 I’ve missed only three.

I don’t think I’ve done a split since that afternoon in Molly’s, which by the way, is also the last time I almost got kicked out of a bar. (Yeah, I’m someone’s granny.) Anyway, I’m not sure I could do it right now, and that’s a sobering thought.

Three weeks from today, we’ll be back at JazzFest. I’ll be dancing my ass off, and whether or not I actually do another split on the bar or somewhere else, I need to get in better shape. Nearly stroking out during last weekend’s hike up Camelback Mountain (while my boyfriend just breezed along) was a major wake-up call. So last night I took out the big guns.

My Buns of Steel video.

I’m telling you, if you want to get in really good shape in a hurry, the original Buns of Steel video with Greg Smithey is the way to go. It incorporates everything—aerobics (which I hate), stretching, isometrics… and it works the arms and abs as well as the buns. I swear, of all the exercise and yoga videos I own, this one is the best bang for the buck.

Warning: This video will kick your ass. Seriously.

My sister and I used to do it together all the time in my living room before I moved out west. To get through the really hard parts, we each developed our own coping mechanisms. Lori got her revenge by giving Greg the finger as she burned through those excruciating leg lifts. I used to… oh, I can hardly write this with a straight face… I used to pretend I was auditioning to be one of the background exercisers, and so I’d maintain a pretty smile no matter how much pain I was in.

Lori literally fell over laughing when I revealed that little gem. Can’t blame her.

Anyway, I’ve often said that if you did Buns of Steel every day for a month, you’ll be in the most amazing shape of your life. With another JazzFest coming soon, and considering my pathetic performance on the hiking trail last Saturday, I think it’s time I put myself up for the challenge.

I am going to do that video every friggin’ day until I leave for New Orleans on May 1.

There, I said it. No, I proclaimed it. Every friggin’ day.